Open vs. Semi-Open vs. Closed

Welcome to the boards, you've picked a great place to post your questions. :) Our DD is only 5 months old, so I am rking on limited experience. We would like to have an open adoption with DD's first mom, but that hasn't worked out so far. We were supposed to meet at the hospital when we picked DD up, but she backed out a few minutes before we arrived. She couldn't bear to watch us leave with the baby. About a month ago she contacted our agency looking for an update and some pictures. I hastily pulled together a bunch of pics and wrote a long letter about DD's doings and let her know that we are open to more, but understand if now is not the best time for her. I left it wide open for her. You are asking some great questions, and I know you will get loads of answers from the BTDT crowd. We have "conversations" with DD now, by telling her how much her first mom must have loved her to place her with us, etc. So that one day we aren't sitting her down for "the talk". By keeping an open dialogue going, we are hopeful that DD will feel okay coming to us with ANY questions she has about her first family. And I am hopeful that first mom will come around and want to be part of our lives. :)

Hi, welcome to the forums.I was raised in open adoption and I also placed my daughter in open adoption, so I’ve been involved in two sides of an open adoption.First and foremost – it’s great that you’re doing lots of research. Open adoption isn’t for everyone, so I commend you for researching it and making an informed decision. The unknowns are often scary.I’ve included my responses below. If you’d like to ask me any further questions, feel free. Open adoption isn't about gifts and presents and Disney mom/dad status - it's about creating relationships. You should define your boundaries with this type of thing (gift giving) early in the process. Map out what you hope to have the relationship look like - talk about it, etc.I can tell you, while my birth mother did buy me things from time to time - it was never about gifts and I never considered her the 'fun parent'. A child is likely going to wonder and/or think about why he or she isn't living with the birth parent, regardless of open or closed - I think this is one of those 'typical' adoption curiosities - "So, why didn't my birthmom keep me?" or "Why can't I live with Sue" - these are pretty normal in my experience. I know I wondered. I know that the daughter I placed wonder(ed)(s).Again, this isn't an open/closed thing - this is an attachment thing - you may or may not deal with this. I can tell you, as an adoptee who was raised in open adoption, I never felt that way...but ever child is different. I want to also add, I don't believe my not feeling that way has anything to do with open/closed. I know adoptees with open adoptions who have struggled with attachment issues and adoptees with closed adoptions who have never had a concern in their life with attachment. Like I said, every child is different :)Again, it's the boundaries - if gift giving is going to be a part of your relationship (it's never been a focus of the relationship I have with my birth mother or the daughter I placed for adoption) then you need to work that out. Maybe it involves group gift giving? Maybe it involves you making sure the other kids get a little something too...Do you get them all gifts when one child is having a birth day? Do the children find it frustrating that they don't also get gifts for a siblings birth day? How do you deal with that?Children are honestly only as confused as the adults around them. Respectful communication, boundaries (from both sides) and honesty are KEY when building a successful open adoption relationship and addressing any potential confusions.Good luck!

1)The adopted child would know he/she was adopted since he'd likely be a minority. If the child gets gifts from a birth mom, does he eventually think the birth mom is about gifts and the parenting mom is about rules and discipline? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] We tried to only allow gifts on special occasions like holidays and birthdays because we did not want our children to equate birthfamily visits with gifts. It really hasn't been an issue anymore than it would be when Grandma and Pop come to visit and bring gifts. 2)Would the adopted child wonder about living with the birth parent or be confused why he's not living with the birth parent since the birth parent's sending letters and cards and gifts? Would the adopted child wonder why the mom doesn't just come over and pick him up? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] My children understand that adoption is forever, so this has never been an issue. They also understand that just because their first mom wasn't able to raise them, she still loves them - thus the reason for letters, cards and gifts demonstrating that love. 3)If we ever left the adopted child with grandparents for a couple days, could the child ever think that we're not going to come back and get him just like his birth mom didn't come back to get him? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] My children's first mom didn't "not come back to get them" - she was unable to raise them and therefore made the decision to find a family who could. My kids know this too. 4)Though the birth children would know the child was adopted, would they think it frustrating that the adopted child was getting gifts while they weren't? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] We have an older child (not adopted) and our younger kids first family always included her - even if it was just a small token gift. They joke that they have "adopted" her into their family. Would you prefer semi-open instead of open now that you've adopted? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] I could not imagine having anything other than an open adoption. What's good/bad about semi-open? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] I have no experience with semi -open so cannot answer this. Do you really feel like the parent and not the babysitter in an open/semi-open adoption? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] I do not feel like anything other than the parent I am. Do you have too much birth mother interaction, too little, or just right? [FONT="Impact"][/FONT] For us, I would say we have just the right amount of interaction. We do not stick to a schedule, we call, visit, send pictures whenever we want. Right now it has been a bit longer than we like since we have seen each other, but life can sometimes get in the way of our plans. My children are now almost 9 and 6 and share the same first mom. They were each placed as newborns. We entered into open adoption after much thought and research because we truly believed it was best for the children. The first year or so we were very unsure of what was "proper", and so we walked on eggshells around each other. When we decided to just do what felt right to us instead of what some agreement said, our relationship grew tremendously and our fears and insecurities died. I was quite surprised myself by the amount of contact *I* wanted with my children's birthfamily. I wanted to share things with them - because who else would think they are the cutest/smartest/funniest kids on the planet???!!! Personally, I think that our open adoption works because we all want/expect the same thing. We all want our children to grow up confident and secure and knowing they are loved. We are also quite similar in personalities, and get along very well. We have fun and interests now outside of our shared children. But we're almost a decade into it - (wow, I cant believe its been that long!). JMO, but I think that we could have just upheld our end of the formal agreement and our children would probably have been just fine having "enough" info and knowledge. But I believe that they will be *better* than just fine because they have yet more wonderful people in their life who love them - and who happen to also have the same blood running through them.

We are currently waiting for a second child but we were sort of forced into an open adoption the first time. We went in wanting semi closed with full disclosure and the bm agreed till she lost it at the TPR. The agency pushed and pushed until we felt really trod upon for just trying to keep our child. The TPR took 9 weeks which was endless. The bmom was young and I think wanted us to parent her. Anyway, we feel like as our daughter gets older, she has a right to determine how much this person is in her life. Right now we do some visitiation but bmom keeps pushing for more.. We talk about adoption to our daughter openly but see no reason why we need to force this person into her life Agency is being really one sided as they became much more proactive about openness after her adoption. They should have never taken us as clients, but they sure took our $$

We adopted our son from foster care. He arrived at our home at 11 months and we finalized his adoption at about 30 months. We have an open adoption with his bmom who has significant cognitive delays. We are committed to maintaining an open adoption for now. Three years after the adoption I believe that our commitment to openness has been a strength in our relationship with our son. Our son (now five) knows he is adopted not because he looks different from us but because we talk to him about adoption in a positive, joyful way. We read books that have a positive adoption message. We talk about our friends and family who have also adopted. A few weeks ago he asked a friend about his adoption. When I explained hat his friend was not adopted but is being raised by the mom who gave birth to him, my son turned to his friend and said, "Man, you need to get adopted!!!!!!" Our son's bmom has brought gifts to visits on two occasions. He doesn't associate her with gifts. He does associate her with fun because we always schedule the visits for a fun activity (picnic, playground, bowling). So he always has good associations with her. And that's a good thing. But does that mean that I am only about rules and discipline? Not even close. Because I am about rules and discipline . . . and bedtime stories and bubble baths and pony rides and comfort when he is scared or sick and high fives when he does something he is proud of and all of the other joys that are a part of parenting. I'm not sure that my son is old enough to understand fully why his mom couldn't parent him. At five we tell him that his mom couldn't parent him and leave it at that. I believe having an open adoption will help him understand why she could not parent him. When my son is with his grandparents, he is so overjoyed with their spoiling that he doesn't miss me a bit. He has no doubt that we will return (probably all too soon). As stated in a prior answer - I think this is all about attachment. Our son is well attached to us and is secure in that attachment. He has no fear that we will abandon him. But we really don't talk to him about his adoption in terms that describe his birth mom as not coming back to get him. We talk to him about how bmom couldn't parent him so some other people helped to find us. We talk about how important he was to bmom and how she loved him, but needed a social worker to help her find forever parents for him. We talk about how we were so excited to have him and how lucky we are to be his parents. My gut reaction to this question is: when your kids have a birthday are the others jealous of the one getting presents? Maybe, depending on their age. And those are teaching moments. I would prefer a more open adoption, but her instability prevents it (see below). My son knows that there are no secrets. Our son doesn't ever have to choose between us and his bmom. He can have us both and love us both and that is fine. This is the easiest of all to answer. I am his mom. No question. No hesitation. She is also his mom, in a diffferent way. and that is good. We have an open adoption with two visits per year. Right now that works for us. We have our challenges. We limit how much personal information bmom has about us. We communicate only through mail (p.o. box) and telephone (I call her from a blocked line). Our son's bmom is pretty unstable - her housing is unstable and we sometimes have to search for her. She was married (they met at a homeless shelter). She had a new boyfriend at the last visit (they met online and lived together in his van before winter forced them into a shelter) and in the last few months that relationship ended and she has another boyriend now. It would be easy to get caught up in trying to help or rescue her all the time. I need to focus my energy on raising my son. The limited contact helps us maintain appropriate boundaries. Welcome to the journey.

Exactly. eagleswings216, I totally agree with your post. These days, agencies do more and more open adoptions, and it attracts more birthmothers. The agencies claim to us adoptive parents that "open adoption is the best for the child". As far as I know, there are no longitudinal studies out there that prove that claim. Sure, it is sure easy enough for agencies to do open adoptions but at the end of the day, we adoptive families are the ones who have to live it - our whole lives. Adoption is not about keeping the adoptive parents happy or the birthmother happy. The real question is what is in the best interest of the child. My personal opinion is (again, this is my own opinion) that semi-open adoption is probably it. Semi-open adoption is also a really good compromise between openness and safety/privacy. One can always open up the adoption later on. I have a semi-open adoption with my son, it works well and God forbid, I would not open it up, for safety reasons. I have an open adoption with my daughter, however since she lives many thousands of miles away and hardly ever communicates back with me, it became de facto a semi-open adoption.

[url=http://www.cehd.umn.edu/fsos/Centers/mtarp/]Minnesota-Texas Adoption Researc[/url]It's actually pretty readily available, with some research.

Thank you for being kind, gracious, and honest in your replies. You're nicer than some of the social workers at agencies I've interacted with in that you've not judged me on honest questions and minimized my concerns. Thank you. Now I think I'll start a thread regarding health/medical issues for an adopted child. I want to take advantage of the collected experiences here. I hope I'm not revisiting old issues that could be found by just searching. I like being able to ask my specific questions.

I was raised in what was supposed to be a closed adoption. My birthparents found our our last name (thanks to a clerical error) and "opened" the adoption when I was less than 2 years old. While I was not in contact with my birthfamily growing up, my parents definitely were. Because of this contact, my reunion took place before I was 13 years old. I am not a big fan of 'fully open adoption'. Never have been. However due to the fact that I have never personally experienced one, I'm not going to elaborate any further. What I can speak to, however, is semi open adoption. My parents sent photos and letters once a year to my birthparents through the private lawyer who handled my adoption. My parents saved these letters, as well as other momentos, in a safe so that I could see them one day. Knowing that my birthparents cared enough to request updates on me throughout my life has been helpful. Due to the semi openess of my adoption, my parents had a bevy of information about my birthparents, which was shared piece by piece according to my maturity level. The negative side is that, for all intensive purposes, my birthfamily is dysfunctional. To various degrees. But there is discord even amongst the most functional members, in that some family members strongly believe that my adoption, which brought shame onto their family, should have remain closed. I believe that open and semi open adoptions are only as healthy as the people involved in them. My birthparents have some boundary issues, which has created some friction between my adoptive and birthparents. However, overall they maintain a relationship of civility, but now that I am an adult they have little reason to speak to one another. Due to the semi-openness of my adoption, I have been able to choose which members of my birthfamily to have a relationship with. I keep clear of those who are toxic, and keep in regular contact with those who are not. I was placed for adoption for some very valid reasons (one of my birthparents is to this day very unstable, and has had over half a dozen children, none of whom they have been able to raise). In my situation, semi open adoption removed some (but not all) of the secrecy, while simultaneously shielding me from the dysfunction. I know that Open Adoption is becoming the new trend, and although I agree it can be beneficial, it also makes me very uneasy in that it is something that people can request without proving that it is something they are capable of healthily sustaining. I am always hesitant to say anything negative about open adoption because I am friends on this website with more than one birthmother who is currently in an open adoption with their young children. And it works beautifully for them. However, it would have been disastrous for me, and despite a few issues I have with the ideology behind it, I feel that the success of any degree of openness within adoption depends on the functionality and mental health of the adult participants.

My DD's technically a kindred placement, tho I had never met her mom prior to this placement. We have an OA, with an OA contract. We are adopting out of foster care. My daughter, at 5, can voice exactly why she's with us. While presents might seem nice, I can tell you my DD hardly notices them. What she most craves is attention and time. Once in a while, she'll pull out something mummy gave her and cling to it for a day. Those are the days I know she's missing her mom. As other's have mentioned, every case is different Not in our case. In fact, DD is spending the weekend with grammy starting tonight. She loves going, as she can have sleepovers with her brother. But she always knows exactly how long she'll be there and who is picking her up I can't answer this from an adopted perspective, but I can from a step perspective. I grew up with step siblings in the home. They got differnet gifts than I did. I never thought twice on it open with well defined boundaries i think an intermediary would be a hassle once relationships are established. Its mot natural for DD tosee us iteracting with her mom - and not having some neutral party in the middle absolutely. I'm only 8 months in. DD lived with her mom longer, but she already sees me as mom. In some ways, it might be argued we're more bonded than with a 5 year old who didn't go through all this. She was starved for parents for so long. She totally appreciates us. Still working a balance. But as of this week, it feels just right

Thank you for pointing out this study. :) The study actually supports what I thought, namely that claims by agencies such as "open adoption is best for the adopted child" are unfounded. The findings of the study are on [url=http://www.cehd.umn.edu/fsos/Centers/mtarp/keyfindings/keyFindOutChild.asp#details]Key Findings[/url] The key points are that adoption outcomes were not dependent on the level of openness but rather on the collaboration in the adoptive kinship network. For example, the study says that "level of openness by itself was not a major predictor of adjustment outcomes at Wave 1 (Grotevant & McRoy, 1998) or Wave 2 (Von Korff, 2004). However, relationship qualities such as collaboration in relationships and perceptual qualities such as perceived compatibility were predictive of adjustment across openness levels. " As I see it, and also from communications with families who are in an open adoption, an open adoption has the potential to become burdensome - and all that while adoptive families just want to be "regular families". However, it can work out, on a case to case basis, if proper boundaries are respected.

I second what c.a said. My son has always known that he was adopted. We have a photo of his birthmother and her parented son on our fridge. Adoption is not a secret, and he can ask whatever he wants (and often does). He's happy to have a birthday and an adoption day. Some of the kids in his class want to be adopted too. You focus a lot on gifts. My son's birthmother cannot afford gifts of any kind. If I want pictures of her family, I send her a disposable camera and a SASE. I know that there are a lot of birth families who are in financial situations that preclude gifts. This does make it a bit hard, however, in that we like to provide some gifts for them, but they can't return the favor. It's a tough balance. Jack has yet to ask why S doesn't get him any gifts, but I'm sure it'll come. I don't think this has anything to do with open v. closed. I think all adopted people wonder about this. No, I don't think they would. First, not all birth families can afford gifts at all. Second, there will always be inequity in gifts, if only because different children have different amounts of friends. In my family, my father's sisters loved to give me presents, but tended not to be as generous with my sister. Neither of us was adopted, it was just the way it was. OTOH, my sister was far more popular in school than I was, so had more friends to give her stuff. The gift thing also cuts both ways. What if the birth parents have children they parent? Do you send them gifts? We do. We send a family gift as well, usually candy or fudge, for her mom, sister, and Jack's cousin. We can't really afford to go all out, but we want to give them something. I love buying presents, really, more than I even like getting them. :prop: No. Even with the issues we've had due to S's situation, I'm glad that I can contact S or her mother when I need to. I'm glad that she can call us. She's become a member of our family. I like that. I have never felt like the baby-sitter. At the beginning, S sort of tried to get me to do things her way, as best she could over the phone. But I was secure enough in myself that I knew what was best. I will say that she did have some good ideas, and some insight based on her own health history and that of Jack's brother. But when she suggested that Jack would never eat peas because nobody in her family ate peas, it was all I could do to stop myself from laughing out loud. (For the record, peas are Jack's favorite vegetable.) Too little. We don't hear from S often enough. Right now, we're not entirely sure where she is. I've talked to her mom, though, so that's something. I'd like her mom to feel that we were friends. If we lived closer, I think I would like visits. I'd have to set some boundaries, mostly on who would be allowed to visit (family only, not the boyfriend of the week). I hope this helps! I recommend checking out some of my older posts on AdoptionBlogs.com. Also, the blog this woman's work is about a very open adoption. Good luck on your adoption journey! :hippie:

I think this is also a significant part of the findings of the MN study.

Bromachich, Looking back through the different stages of my life I believe it would have been incredibly helpful to me in adolescence as that was the time of my struggles with my identity...which grew in adulthood once life experiences were factored in. ThinkingaboutitVA, I found your wording concerning in this statement: "1)The adopted child would know he/she was adopted since he'd likely be a minority." and hope that you would tell ANY adopted child they are adopted even if they were the same race as you. Not simply from a moral or ethical point of view in regards to being lied too by those you are supposed to trust, but in regards to living with a false medical history their entire life. Kind regards,Dickons

Welcome to the forums. We are a family with two children (age six and four) adopted at birth, and continually working on open relationships with the original families of our kiddos. I'll try my best to offer my perspective based on our experience and how I've read your questions. Question #1: It's the every day parent's role in their child's life to tell them their story which include how they joined your family. My kids have always known how they came to us, and how their other parents made the decision for them to join our family. They don't know details, but will, when they are at the age when they can handle the whole story. And it is the every day parent's role to assure that the other parents of their children do not become "all about gifts". If that is the only way the kiddos have contact or interaction (through the giving of gifts) I would be concerned about that. Gifts to me shouldn't happen unless there is physical visits that happen alongside those gifts. Otherwise, if visits aren't happening, then letters and pictures would be more appropriate. In my experience, we've never seen the dynamic of which you speak. DH and I are the every day parents who offer not only every day discipline and boundaries, but also every day love. Hopefully, you would establish you role as the every day parent which makes the concern of that dynamic moot. Question #2: My DD is six and has asked some of the questions you ask here. I think it is entirely natural for them to wonder about why they are with you instead of with their original parents. It has especially come to the front of her questions as we've seen her other mom get healthier and more stable. If you approach answering the question, not with an insecurity about your role in their life, but with the understanding that these kinds of questions lead to your child being more secure in your family as you re-tell the story of how they joined your family. And I believe it is a part of them grieving theit adoption loss to want to know whether or not they can live with their birth family. They have to know that you know that their question is valid, all the while affirming that you are their parent, their every day family. And there may come a time in your relationship with your child's other family where you ask them to affirm their decision to place their child in your family, if that is appropriate. Question #3: I can only speak from our experience, and it is from parenting the adopted child from birth. This has never once happened. The kids know us as their family...period. I'm their Momma plain and simple in their minds even as they talk about their other Mommas. Now, this could be an issue if you were adopting an older child who is working through issues related to feeling permanently a part of your family. Others who have adopted older children might be able to better address this. I can imagine that helping a child feel secure about you being their parent when you are not physically present could be an issue for a child who has memory of multiple placements. Question #4: We don't have any children in our family by birth, so I'll leave this up to others who have that experience. But I can imagine that it would be an issue you would have to address related to the different ways your kiddos joined your family As to your other questions... As to our preference, we prefer the openness we have (and frankly, would have preferred the mutual openness be greater over the last six years, although things are slowly improving at least with one family). We have basically been reduced to a semi-open relationship with DS's other family, at their request. We wish it were not so. we feel we are missing out on a very important building time between our families that will make it much more difficult in the future to have mutual openness and trust. Semi-opennes to me, feels frivolous, on the surface... you never get the chance to dig deep into relating to each other. Regardless of how many boundaries put into place, at the very basic level you are entering into an intimate relationship with another family. So it is important at least from my perspective of what it takes to build authentic relationships, to keep doing the work of digging deeper into each other's lives. So semi-openness as the foundation doesn't work for me. It may be what it ends up being based on the health of our families, but it isn't ideal IN OUR PERSPECTIVE. You will find the widest ranging perspectives of this though, and that is fine. We all have different thresholds that make us comfortable. To me, any of these relationships are hard work. be prepared for that. Never ONCE have I not felt like the parent to my children. Never ONCE have I felt like just the babysitter. Embrace the role given to you as a parent just like you have to your bio children. It is yours for the taking. You don't have to give away the security of knowing YOU are the parent regardless of what the relationship is with your child's other parents. There's room in your child's life for all their parents if you embrace your role in a secure way, if you feel empowered to parent regardless of how your child joined your family. We feel like we don't have enough interaction with members of our kids' other families, but most especially with our DS's first mom. Our goal in all of this working on these relationships has been to get to the point where we "feel like" extended family. With DD's family it is getting there. Hope that answers your questions. And blessings on this journey.