Abuse, to tell or not to tell?

i would...and i have. it is their story to know, and i also want them to know facts about people in their family before they decide to seek them out when they are older. i think that part of it is a safety issue for my kid.

I would using age appropriate language. How is the child going to fully understand their story if they don't have that piece to it? As far as contact goes with the siblings goes? If nothing has happened with previous visits-I'd do it. First of all, it's not the kid's fault this stuff happened to them. They are siblings and have the right (yeah I think so!) to know each other. I'd supervise and just make sure there's no opportunity for something to happen. Hopefully they can work through the abuse and heal. I know you want to protect-that is so natural and something needed. It almost feels like punishing the kids for the decisions the adults made when contact is not allowed. A big part of the reason we brought my niece to live with us is so that she could have the opportunity to know her sister and brothers as she grew up. They have all been neglected and abused and all have their own stories to tell. I'd never leave her alone with them but she is allowed to see them.

I would just be very cautious about contact with the siblings. I cannot stress this enough: TAKE IT SSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! What happens with openness a lot is that if you have A LOT of contact in the beginning and then decide to cut back, everyone freaks. You could start out just by getting in touch with the grown ups (whoever has these older sibs). Then you could decide if you want to send/exchange pictures with the siblings. Then if you feel like it's appropriate, you could ask to get together with the siblings as a one time event. See how it goes and then think about whether you want to do that once a year or so. If that all goes well and you want to do more, then do it. I just wouldn't make any promises to anyone. Be clear that you are deciding what is best for your child. The good thing is that you have had your child from birth so you don't really have to worry about divided loyalties. It is very possible for him to know his siblings without them having a bad influence on him. Especially if you have an open dialog with him over the years about what his siblings have been through that makes them act the way they do. We tend to think about right now in these situations and forget that our kids are going to grow up! We don't have to make these decisions right now. A lot of it is wait and see.

I would try to keep the lines of communication open. Hopefully, with therapy they will be able to overcome the extensive abuse they suffered. I would want to maintain contact with the siblings. Since your baby is so little, you could start with letters/pictures. Overtime you could start supervised visits at maybe a park or something. I think that the reasons for being removed needs to be age appropriate and not very detailed until they are old enough to understand. My four year old still does not fully comprehend his adoption (at birth) so I know he can not comprehend the abuse his siblings suffered. My ten year old knows the just of it, but not a lot of details. He was there...so he understands a little since he was removed so young. We have the court reports for him to read when he is older if he wants.Good Luck,Happy123

I agree with another poster... its his story to know and he should know it age-appropriately his entire life.I have read a few places that children should know their ENTIRE adoptive history before their teenage years... meaning they know all that was done to cause their removal without it being sugar-coated or watered-down at all.As for contact, my daughter's adoption is very open. My son's is only semi-open. Do whatever you feel is safe. But I would keep SOME contact, if it were me.

That's an issue I struggle with - if we go t adoption with Baby J, when - if ever - is it appropriate to tell her that she is very likely the product of prostitution? Father has not been identified yet, 6 possibles named, only one of which could possibly be described as having an ongoing relationship with BMom, and even then it sounds fairly "regular business" with what information we have. I don't know that I'd want to grow up knowing that. I had a friend (as an adult) who knew she was the product of rape, and she struggled with it. I don't know, however, when she was told.

Annyka, I would love to know the answer, as we're in the same situation with FS. There were 3 or 4 possible dads named, all who could be found failed paternity tests, others could not be located. I'm still working on this in my own mind, so bear with me and please give suggestions: for the time being (FS is 3), if asked, the answer is that we don't know who his birth dad is. As for how to address it once he's a little older.....gosh, I wish I knew. You figure that they have to be old enough to understand what sex and prostitution are, before you can really explain it. I was going to type more, but my mind has locked up just considering this. I don't have any answers.

I don't think I would ever use the term prostitution when talking with them. I think I would just say that their birth mom had a very rough lifestyle involving drugs and that they never did identify who the father was. That way the child knows that searching for him is futile because he has never been identified and they don't have that aweful word (prostitution) running around in their minds. You can give the truth without all the ugly details. IMHO For example: My kids bdad was very physically abusive to their mother. I can tell them that with out revealing that in court she presented evidence of permanent damage to her vaginal area!!! I will NEVER tell them that I know that. It would not do them any good to know those details. SO sad the things our kids are going to have to work through on top of the normal growing up stuff. I agree with the poster who said that kids should gradually be told things and know them all by the teen years. (That said, every child is different in maturity so I think parents have to use their wisdom about when and how to give the info)

We have saved every letter the BP have written to us and to J we also have every courtpaper saved when he is at the age of asking hard questions and we feel he can understand he will get all of it so that he can fully understand his story. We keep contact with his half siblings but due to some recent events we have decided that we will not be sending him out to visit with them. We had talked about sending him when he was older to visit them. But the younger children in the family have been sexually acting out in school which makes me believe that the older boys who where in the home and were sexually abused are acting out on the younger ones. The dad and step mom have decided that the counciling that they promised the CW they would get the children is not something they will do. But with lots of love and the help of the Church the boys will be healed.

I know, all of your help was a million years ago (okay, six weeks) but I still want to thank you guys for posting advice and your stories. While we had intended to go ahead with private visitations (as in, between ourselves and fs's bio sib's foster mom) we're now at a stand still. They've been re-placed (again, sadly) and now we're back at square one. In time, we'll get them together... McBaby is too young to remember anyhow. We do, and will, continue to send pictures through the cw of McBaby for his siblings. I want to put my best foot forward so that when they are older I can feel confident that I did my best for my son. J Sautie--will be praying for you w/the tpr. McBaby's is that week as well!

I'm the devil's advocate regarding this advice. I think that like a lot of one-size-fits-all advice, it isn't great for every situation. The idea behind telling them before adolescence is that if they find out during adolescence, when they are at a crucial stage of identity formation and individuating themselves from parents as all teens are, it can lead to a big mess. But kids don't just learn something about themselves and file it away--they process it at every stage of their development, and that means that the info about their bio parents can still hit the fan in a messy way during adolescence, because they will be revisiting it again during those years. I don't buy the "it's their story" line of reasoning, because it isn't just a story, it's a trauma--but unlike other traumas that the child might have actually experienced before adoption (abuse, hunger, etc.) the trauma is in the finding out. To find out that you are the product of rape or prostitution is a trauma. If I could choose when to have that trauma inflicted on me, I would choose to have it happen once I was an adult with a strong concept of self and adult resources for getting through it/getting help with it. I would not wish it on my 7, 10, or 13 year old self. If my adult child comes to me and says "you knew all this from the get-go, I'm mad because you didn't tell me until I was grown" I can honestly say I applied the golden rule. Regarding prostitution specifically, I don't see how that information would ever be helpful or appropriate to share and I think it would be harmful to the relationship the child has with the adoptive parent as well as to the child's self-concept. If it was my child, I would just say the father is unknown. Women engaged in prostitution also have regular old voluntary sex with boyfriends, etc. So even if I knew birthmom was a prostitute at the time of conception, that wouldn't mean my child was the product of a financial transaction.