Attachment 101

There are no attachment therapists in my area, so I can't answer your specific questions about that! If you accept, will the boys be on your private insurance? Or will you stick with Medicaid? We're sticking with Medicaid for L. Here's a tip: it took about 5 weeks to transfer from Texas to Florida. That meant we couldn't use it in Florida until it transferred. It delayed her getting started in therapy. I didn't think it would be an issue because our community has a few sliding scale mental health programs. I figured we'd just pay out of pocket until Medicaid could kick in. Well, these places have extremely limited services for children it turns out and are SWAMPED. The soonest psychiatric visit we could book her was almost two months out. The only other places we found offered no discount and charged $300 a visit! Just not an option. So my advise is to research your options in detail before they come home!

Well, first, kuddos to you for considering a child with such a long list of Dxs! I can't give a lot of advice because I am just a year and a half in. I would say my biggest mistake was not preparing myself ahead of time. Mentally mostly:arrow: I wish I had taken some classes on attatchment, read everything I could get my hands on, and mentally prepared for having a child that fights me for control every moment of the day! I wish I had begun this journey realizing that my kids need theraputic parenting. As it stands, I feel like I am winging it most of the time! yikes. I question myself a lot. I want to be consistent, but then, do I consistently do the wrong thing? I would just say, get some guidance ahead of time; from professionals and from experienced parents. Have a game plan on how to best parent this particular child. I have found that my mental health is just as important as theirs...maybe even more important!

Its hard to really know because lots of people have taken a course that put "attachment" on their resume and left them knowing next to nothing about it. Attachment really has to be their specialty. You can ask about the name of a specific methodology and then research the method and ask about it here. You can rule out anyone who wants to meet with the kid without you, even if just to "build a rapport" with the child prior to the start of therapy. Yes. Even if the kid doesn't have RAD, the kids will not be attached to you when they arrive. Yes Pure speculation on my part. Its not like I have done this very many times, but... Make them feel safe. You do that by being a powerful parent, laying out a lot of structure and not letting them get away with anything. Doing this can shorten your honeymoon period, but the honeymoon is also the easiest time to lay down the law. I think maybe not developing a support base, and even deny to friends and family that it is needed. By the "Give Me A Break" DVD from Nancy Thomas and start showing it to everyone you know. No answer here. We came off of some of them within a month because of gaps in Medicaid coverage, reduced doses on others because our doctor said the old doses were hazardous. The only effect on the early ones was that they started being hungry and gaining much needed weight. We did others gradually over time.

We are on Medicaid and it covers all of the medical, dental, vision stuff. It would have paid for some of the not so good therapist but it didn't cover our good attachment therapist. I think you will find that the ones who are the best won't take Medicaid. We also adopted from Texas, region 9. Once we finalized then our therapist was able to contract with Post Adoption Services and now therapy is mostly paid for outside of insurance.

We found our attachment therapist through a Web site that lists attachment therapists that belong to their organization...try this link, I think that's where I found her. [url=http://www.radzebra.org/TherapistsList.htm]Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network - ATN[/url] This is our third therapist - the others didn't really get it. I think you have to have someone who does attachment only and is pretty immursed in all the issues. Our biggest mistake was thinking our daughter's issues were minor because the cw's told us they were - we didn't really recognize the signs quickly enough. Another mistake is kind of hard to put into words...I think I was so sad about her not being "normal" that I was not doing the right things for her in terms of nurturing...I distanced myself a bit because I was disappointed. Selfish, but true. I would say if I could go back I would focus on just accepting her for who she is and starting the healing process there.

I am going to copy Jeffw’s format:Ask exactly what happens in therapy. Ask what a typical therapy session is like. Talk therapy DOES NOT WORK for attachment disordered children. Play therapy DOES NOT WORK. If the therapist tries to "build trust" with the child - leave. That is the core of attachment disorder - inability to trust. That means they don't get it. If they want to meet with the child alone - leave. Again, they don't get it. The purpose is to build attachment between the parent and child. So, if the child meets with the therapist alone, that can't happen. The therapist must realize that the child sees them one hour or so a week, but the parent is with them all the time. Therefore, they must realize that the parent is the key.Yes. Attachment therapy can never hurt. And this child will have trust issues at the very least.Yes.Focus on structure and safety. Until the child feels safe with you, nothing else can develop. These children feel safest in a highly structured environment.The biggest mistake I made was in believing CPS that she wasn’t disordered. Even when it was thrown in my face, I kept thinking “Well, they said she was bonded with her foster mom.” (Who she has never mentioned to this day). I also wanted to make her life “perfect”. I decorated her room, bought her dresses, enrolled her in gymnastics and sent her to a private school. She proceeded to tear apart her room, cut up her dresses, refuse to participate in gymnastics and got kicked out of the private school. And I still denied it. I just tried harder. You won’t see the “real” child for quite a while. Think about when you are an overnight guest in someone’s home. Do you show your real self? And this is a child that has trust issues. Meds, or lack of, will not bring out the real child. Only time will do that.I would ask to speak to the previous foster homes and find out why he was moved. A child’s behavior in an RTC is not always indicative of their behavior in a family. If they won’t let you contact them, that’s a huge red flag.

If the attachment therapist wants to see the child alone, then leave. (Unless you can watch session from another room on monitor or through an window.) The child needs to attach to you, not practice their triagulation skills. The biggest mistake I made was buying too much stuff. Many of my kids couldn't handle too much stuff at once. I found it's better to start with a few clothes and toys and add as the child can handle more. I'd rather add then have to take away.

Thanks for the info about the Medicaid. I will be using that as well so it is good to know that is takes a bit to get set up in the new state.

thanks for the response and the great tips!

thanks for the response, that is a lot of good information to think about. I definitely need to learn more and you brought up some good points for me to start with. oh and i am looking for that dvd now.

thanks, that is a lot of help. I added some new things to my list to ask about (both for the boys CW and potential counselors)!

I really need to work on that last part...about the stuff! I think you have a really good point and I need to take this to heart when I am shopping ("I CAN resist the cute clothes, and fun looking toys" will be my new mantra when shopping)

Thanks for being honest about that. I have done the same with my 6 yr old and I am just now starting to accept her as she is and not how I want her to be. My counselor ask me the other day "If she never changes, can you love her and accept her as she is?" I was speechless. How could I have never thought of that? Of course that's what I need to do! Isn't that what loving someone is really about!?

I have to second and third the posts about structure (particularly for a child coming from RTC) Be prepared to have friends, family, teachers, drs, and complete strangers think that you are a...well...a B____ a :boot:, OR the :evilgrin: I have had to supress my natural tendancy to be a laid back and sorta kinda anything goes, fly by the seat of my pants, funny, silly momma. NO, that creates chaos in my older two kids. If I choose to let my silly out :banana: :rockband: :rockband: :thankyou: I must be prepared for at least 30 minutes trying to calm them down afterward. They take everything to the extreme. And I mean EVERYTHING. You other parents know what I mean! So, most of the time I am on top of them like white on rice. They are given few choices and very little control. I hope one day I can let my real self out of the cage, but for now, I just do what I can see works for my kiddos. The naysayers can volunteer to babysit sometime, or shut up! :eyebrows:

I am already the "enforcer", "the boss", and the "B____" to my family because of the way that I am with my nieces/nephews and weekend foster son. But what is good for the kid is good for all of us so they can call me all they want, as long as it helps the kids, I am ok with that.