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I found my 15 yr old teen aged son on Facebook about 3 weeks ago and was overjoyed. However, I didn't think he would either accept my friendship or want to talk to me (just based on my sort of luck lol) none of which turned out true. I wrote to him that Wow he was getting big and his parents must be proud, and talked to him about how good looking he was turning out to be, etc.. I said write back etc.. He wrote back that he was having a great summer, that he and his dad lived in the south and he visits his mom in the NW during the summer. he said FB turned out to be very useful afterall, and he looked at some of my pictures which were awesome! (lol) He also said he hoped to talk more to me again soon. and put love, and his name... so i wrote back some interesting stuff about him being related to Thomas Jefferson (which I think he knew) and some tidbit about his name and told him i looked frwd to getting to know him on the computer, and that I was very excited and open to talk to him anytime! Well, i didnt hear back from him. so i waited about a week and a half and wrote back and apologized if i freaked him out (altho it was all very innocent i thought) but hoped we could stilll talk in the future but told him if he didnt write back that i wouldnt bother him anymore (I really didnt want to push him) well, an hour later he wrote back and said hey you didnt freak me out i was just busy sorry i didnt reply im havin a great summer and definitely we shall talk more soon.
I know he definitely has at least a little time to write something back to me, so I think the busy thing may be a cover for something else. I mean he responded an hour later after I said i wouldnt bother him anymore.. So I don't know is he interested but just fearful? has some abandonment issues? also of importance, and I am usually very oblivious, so the fact that i noticed, was big.. his first response practically mirrored my first letter to him in wording. It was cute, but very obvious, so i take it he was open to me, likes me, or is empathetic or whatever mirroring implies.. My biggest fear is that he just really doesn't care, but is just being nice. Any insights? And what should my next step be? Is he hesitant b/c I have not opened up to him? I have wanted to go slow but it seems to have gotten me nowhere, pls help..
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Honestly, I would tread very carefully. It's generally not the best idea to contact a minor directly over the internet without their parents' knowledge and permission. Especially a first contact with a birth parent, with the boy in the middle of his teenage years and his parents (dad mostly in this case) being the ones who deal with parenting him and dealing with his emotions and behavior on a daily basis- you need to step back and contact his father and work with the parents at this point, not behind their back.
That said, I'm glad that you have been able to see that he is healthy and happy and I hope that you will be able to build a good relationship in the future. I just do not think this way, at this time in his life, is the right way to go about it.
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Reuniting with teenagers is so different than reuniting with adults...the challenges are different and complex. First of all, your son is still a kid, with all the hormones and mood swings that come with the territory.
That said, I always cringe when I hear of birth/first moms contacting their relinquished children (without the adoptive parents' permission) before they're legally adults. If they're under the age of 18, they are still subject to parental control; they're usually still living at home, being financially supported by their parents...in other words, they're still dependent children. I'm just afraid that things could get pretty messy for you if your son's parents object to him communicating with you without their consent.
In my own opinion and experience, it's extremely critical that your son's parents be onboard if you're going to develop a relationship with him while he's still a juvenile. Is it possible for you to have an open, honest discussion with them at this time? A little respect for them will go a long way...
I have to agree with the others. Any contact with your minor son should be done with the knowledge and permission of his parents. Did you have any contact with them previosuly, either directly or indirectly?
I also agree that reconnecting with an adolescent is much more challenging than doing so with an adult. I would encourage you to read up on adoption reunion and the emotions that go along with it for all members of the triad, and understand that "pullback" (which can happen with the adoptee as well as birthparent) will likely be a part of the dynamic, especially with a teenaged boy.
I'm not sure now the best way to approach this, but perhaps others will have better advice. You could let your son know that you feel it would be best if his parents knew of the contact, but I hate the idea of putting the onus on him to confront his parents when you were the one who contacted him initially. OTOH, if you tell his parents, he might be upset that you "went behind his back." Maybe you could let your son know you have thought this through some more, and would like to continue communicating but only with his parents' knowledge and consent, and give him the "heads up" and then get in touch with his parents.
I think if the parents are on board and feel he is ready for this, that will make things go much more smoothly in the long run. If they are not on board, I would express that you are open to contact when he comes of age. Maybe you could work something out where you have indirect contact until then?
What type of adoption did you have? Totally closed or semi-open??
Best of luck with this. It is certainly not an easy situation.