Advertisements
I am 29 years old and just found out a few days ago that I was adopted. There were hints and things that did not add up along the way, so this question was always in the back of my mind, but I can recall asking my adoptive mother a few times during my adolescence and being told a resounding "no". Still, I wondered, and a few days ago I brought up the issue again, and was very persistent this time around... she was skirting the issue and doing her very best to avoid giving me a straight answer, but she was no longer denying it. We just had another talk about it tonight, which involved high levels of dramatics on her part, which made me feel like I was asking something that I did not even have the right to know. Like she was amazed and wanted me to feel guilty about wanting to know who I was.
When I pressed her for more specific information, she gave me conflicting bits of information and implied my birth mother didn't care, was abusing herself deliberately during pregnancy, wanted to have an abortion -- all after vehemently denying she knew anything about her :mad: She did give me a name, eventually, but who knows if that name is accurate. I think it was only provided to stop me from getting my adoption records, which I still intend on doing, btw. I seriously need to learn whatever I can. I feel like I've had this open, bleeding scar MY ENTIRE LIFE, although I had no idea what was causing it, so couldn't even begin to heal. I can even remember being suicidally depressed (oh, I did make a few attempts in my teenage years, and from the age of 10 or 12, would dream of running away) and just not knowing *why* I was so sad and angry. Finding any information on my birth parents, I think, would be a good part of the healing process, especially since I always instinctively felt rejected by my adoptive family. I knew I never belonged, I knew I was looking in on something that I was so far removed from and could never be a part of. No one had to tell me or make hints. I could see it, plainly. I was so entirely different from them in looks, personality, etc.
The worst part of all this is that I feel I was forced to grieve for my adoptive father as if he were my own. He died when I was 16 months old, so I obviously remember little to nothing of him. I am sure it affected me, in hindsight, having a parent there then gone, but to believe your father has been dead all your life only to find out you may very well have a still living father... I cannot describe how upside down this has turned my world. It feels like a trauma. I always used to view adoption in a much different light, but this has opened my eyes to the darker side of it.
Quite literally, I am nobody, nothing. I had a difficult childhood & adolescence and my adult life has not been any better. I have always felt rejected, unwanted, alone. But at least I thought I knew who I was. I had an ethnicity, an extended family, and even if they weren't too fond of me, I believed that I was still family, that tie could not be severed. Now that tie has been severed, and I am cut off from everyone.
Sorry to be so gloomy, but I am not taking the news very well...
Like
Share
Advertisements
Chris, First off welcome and second I am ever so sorry you were subjected to the lies and secrets. Incredibly harsh when you knew and asked over the time. In order to search you need some basic info which unfortunately may need to come from your mom. Adoption paperwork would be the ultimate but if you cannot get that (and based on when you were born there may not be identifying info in it anyway). Your mom may also have your Original Birth Certificate - some got them - others didn't. 1. State and county where your adoption was finalized in. 2. State and place of birth (which can be different than where the adoption was finalized in)...sometimes that gets changed on amended birth certificates which some judges did or parents requested be done. 3. Applying for non-id from the state your adoption was finalized in. Once you know where there is a section of this site with details or I can give you the link. 4. Each state is different - a handful allow you to get your paperwork and original birth certificate - most don't so don't get your hopes up. Some offer confidential intermediaries to search for you and see if your parents wish contact. Other states have registries etc. 5. This site has a free reunion registry that you can search and post your search on. Always keep in mind that some things like the actual day you were born may not be accurate (unlikely due to your age) or if someone is searching for you they may have the wrong date so broaden your search beyond the day of your birth. Same with location of birth (which can be in a different state) etc. 6. ISRR.net is also a free registry that you can apply to. Take time to just grieve what just happened. Be kind to yourself and don't feel alone - there are many of us and there may also be a support group in your area - if you let us know then someone may know of one or you can google with the area and adoptee support... Just know you are not alone. Kind regards,Dickons
Chris, let me add to the chorus that I think it really stinks that you had to find out this way. However, please remember that being adopted is not a shameful thing. Also, it does not mean that you are no longer a part of the family you grew up with. They are still your family. The reality of an adoptee's life, though, is that there is another family out there. It doesn't replace the family you grew up with, it just adds to it.
I was struck by your comment that you had to grieve your father's death as if he was your own. He was. He was your father, not some fake substitute. Just because you don't share his genes doesn't mean that his relationship to you wasn't real. Same with your mother, and the rest of your family. If you ask the adoptees on this board or elsewhere, including me, who their parents are (or even their "real" parents), they will tell you it's the people who raised them and who they lived with all their lives. The birthfamily is still an important part of who we are, but it's different.
I do encourage you to search for your birthparents, and I hope that helps you figure things out for yourself. The laws on what information you can get and how to go about it vary by state (assuming from how you write that you're in the US), but there's good information on this site about each of the states and some ex-US countries. There are even a few states where you can get your original birth certificate, the one with your birthparents' names on it, for the asking. Also, a lot of people here can give you help and guidance.
I would also like to say that although this clearly has put a big strain on your relationship with your mother, I would strongly encourage you not to let it destroy that relationship. I know it hurts to find out that she kept this secret from you (and lied to you outright about it), but she did it for a reason. She may have thought, or been told, that this was the best way to love you and raise you as her own. Or, she may have been ashamed that she was not able to have children and didn't want to admit to anybody that she had turned to adoption. This is not to say she was ashamed of you, but rather of herself. Both of these reasons are pretty common among parents who kept the secret, and there may be others. So do try, when you're able to, to see things from her perspective, and maybe even have a talk with her about why she did what she did. It may help you understand and maybe even forgive her, and it might even make her want to help you any way she can in your search for your birthparents.
Please do stick around this board. You can get a lot of support and good advice here. And good luck!!
SOunds like your amom was being quite defensive when speaking of your bmom. Thats a big burden to carry, keeping a secret that is. How sure can you be that she didn't care? Amom could have cut off contact with her, you really won't know until you find out more. She should have told you a long time ago. Why do so many aparents hide it as if it is a shameful secret? I am so sorry you are going thru this. I had been in touch with my amom until recently, turns out she never had any intention of ever telling my daughter she is adopted, we have talked about this for the past 16 years. Now she has cut off contact with me, like that is going to change anything, like pretending if I dont exist will make it so.
Advertisements
Im Soo Sorry! I Know Exactly How You Feel And I Just Found Out Like A Few Days Ago Yet I Had My Doubts Its A Crazy Roller Coaster!! And My Mom Doin The Same But Just Denying All I Can Say Is Be Strong It Came Out For A Reason! U R Ment To Know What Happened And If You Cant Get It From Her Try Someone Else In Your Family Thats How I Did I Wish You Tons Of Luck!!!