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Hi all,
I hope that somebody reading this can offer me some advice.
When I was 16, I fathered a child with my girlfriend. We broke up before I knew that she was pregnant and once we found out that she was going to have a baby, we realized that it was simply not an option for us to have this baby - we were not compatible as a couple and there was no way that we could have supported a child. She subsequently put our birth daughter up for adoption and the birth mother & I lost contact.
Our birth daughter is now 27 years old.
2 years ago, after searching for many years for my birth daughter, I managed to find the birth mother on a website like this and I found out that, some years before, she had had a brief correspondence with our birth daughter.
It was initiated by our birth daughter through a website such as this but our birth daughter had stopped communicating at a certain point and the birth mother believes that she may have 'scared her off.' From what the birth mother has told me, I believe that this is a credible possibility.
Once we re-established contact, the birth mother and I found out that we both had information about our birth daughter to share and we agreed to combine our efforts and look for our birth daughter together.
Since that time, our birth daughter has independently contacted the birth mother and they have begun a correspondence. Nothing too heavy - a few emails and a few letters.
It has been over a year since they have begun communicating and the birth mother has not told our birth daughter anything about me - neither who I am or that she is in contact with me, although she does share photos and copies of their letters and emails with me and I am thankful for these glimpses.
She has told me that she does not want to scare her away again, and I honestly believe that there is merit to that explanation.
However, for some time I have had information that I independently gained about our birth daughter and it is sufficient to initiate contact, but I don't know whether I should, especially as the birth mother has asked me to bide my time and wait until our birth daughter asks her about me.
What do I do? On the one hand, I do not want to 'freak her out' (the birth mother and the birth daughter); on the other hand, all I really want to do is make myself known to her and leave it at that. Also, there is a possibility that the birth mother may never tell her about me. How long is enough?
I should add that I've had 27 years to think about the prospect of contact. In the years immediately after the birth, I was definitely seeking absolution, but that was a long time ago and I am far beyond feeling guilty.
Indeed, why should I? I have 2 wonderful little daughters of my own and a fantastic wife; more to the point, by all appearances and from what the birth mother has shared with me and from what I have found through my own investigations, our birth daughter has had and continues to have a very good life and is a great person. Her adoptive parents gave her a life that we never could have, she graduated from university and she has a wonderful husband and 2 adorable little boys.
So I can say with certainty that, whilst a part of me is certainly curious, the over-riding intention of my quest has been to want to know that she was OK and at this point, I'm not so much thinking just for myself as much as wanting to provide her with an opportunity to contact me (or not) as she desires.
So there's my dilemma. Do I wait? Do I go ahead and send a letter? I suppose that I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do as much as I'm asking for insight, opinions and reflections, especially from those with similar experiences, to help me figure out what's best for myself and the other people in this situation.
So thanks for reading!
*btw - I'm new to this forum, so please excuse my use of terms. Out of respect for the people who loved her, cared for her and raised her, I refer to her as my birth daughter, as opposed to my daughters who live with me.
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Dear snoopy87 & txrnr,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply!
I posted the message late last night and slept on it - I was born and raised in the USA (Texas mostly), but I've settled down in England.
What a delightful surprise to wake up and read your thoughts! Especially because you both seem to have picked up on how important this is for me.
I am also so grateful to hear from women who are able to speak from the perspective of people who were themselves adopted.
snoopy87 - you ask if my other daughters know about my birth daughter.
My daughters are 5 and 2 - very close in age as my birth daughter's sons - spooky, eh? No, I have not told my daughters...yet. But regardless of whatever happens between my birth daughter and I, I will share this very important part of my life with my daughters.
On a similar note, I've never told my parents about any of this. My wife shares my opinion that my parents would either not believe me if I told them or wouldn't be able to cope with this news. They both have mental health concerns - my mother has been hospitalized several times over the past 7 years and this information would be devastating to her and my father has suffered from having to try and care for her. Without going into too much detail, I figured out a long time ago that there were and are understandable reasons that I did not tell my parents about fathering a child. But I definitely agree with you that secrets are never good, and I regret not telling my parents back when it happened.
snoopy87 - you also ask if I am open to allowing her to get to know me and her half-siblings and my wife.
I am absolutely open to whatever my birth daughter wants, or doesn't want. My wife has known about this since we met (17 years ago!) and she is supportive of me, but also very protective of me as she doesn't want want anybody to be hurt. I appreciate her concern, but as I have said, at this time I would be content to just write the letter and leave it up to my birth daughter to do what she wants to do.
I think that this is something that distinguishes me from the birth mother - she definitely, achingly wants a personal relationship with our birth daughter, whereas I want to put the birth daughter's desires first and foremost. I believe that this is best for her and for me. I think that this is one of the reasons that our birth daughter broke off contact with the birth mother when they first made contact years ago.
And snoopy87 - I am heartened to hear that you have had a pleasing reunion with your birthfather! Congrats!
txrnr - I am grateful that you recognize that my actions need not be in concert with the birth mother. I think that one of the things that has held me back is that I do not want to spoil the fragile relationship that is developing between the birth mother and birth daughter, but I am of a firmer view now that I have set a very low expectation for myself and do not seek or expect anything from the birth daughter. Also, I accept that I am no longer content to simply wait until the birthmother decides that the time is right to tell the birthdaughter about me.
txrnr - I will hope and pray that you and your bfather will have contact.
An interesting twist to this tale -my Grandfather was adopted and my family has always wondered about our relatives whom we will most likely never know. His birth parents put him up for adoption but they stayed together and eventually got married and had more children. Except for a family name and a few stories told by my Grandmother, all of the information about his birth parents died with my Grandfather and Grandmother.
After a good night's rest, a talk with my wife this morning and reading your lovely replies, I think that I'm a step closer to making contact.
I'm writing a draft for a letter, but I would still very much enjoy hearing from anyone else who would weigh in.
And again, many heartfelt thanks to snoopy87 & txrnr,
With cheers and best wishes to all,
silversurfer
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I see no reason why you should not contact your daughter. I see my mother and father as two totally separate individuals and it would be me as the adoptee to tell the other of my relationship solely because they went their separate ways and are unique to the other. Especially if I had reunited with one who did not seem to wish to discuss the other which sounds like the case here. Go for it and if it all works well then be just as honest and upfront as to the reasons why you can't tell your parents - your daughters grandparents about her. She may agree with you or not and that is something you will have to work out together. I am glad she will not be a secret to her siblings but I also agree due to their ages that it would be best to ensure the contact is wanted etc before telling them right now and getting them excited etc. Kind regards,Dickons
I would contact your daughter. She's a grown woman and if she feels "freaked out" or emotionally overwhelmed, she will handle that, but I would at least give her the opportunity to know you are open to contact and would welcome the chance to know her.
I think I would let her know that while you've been in contact with her birth mom, you have been searching for a long time, and that your decision to contact her was independent of her mother's involvement.
Dickons - thank you for your contribution. I have been bringing myself to the view that what had been a joint effort between the birth mother and myself has, for me, become a journey of one. I am still grateful to the birthmother for sharing her contact experiences with me, but I feel like I just want to put my contact details to our birth daughter and 'move on' to the next stage.
I am also glad that you understand why I have not yet told my infant daughters about their step-sibling. Or that they are aunts to children who are the same age as they are! :)
shadow riderer - Again, I am grateful for your post because it reiterates my view that I am no longer seeking a joint or triangulated relationship. I merely want to provide my details to my birth daughter and allow her the opportunity to decide what she would like to do with the information.
JustPeachy - you write: "at least give her the opportunity to know you are open to contact and would welcome the chance to know her"
Spot on! That is precisely what I am going for! I'm not saying, "Let's be friends", but rather, "Here I am."
You also write: "I think I would let her know that while you've been in contact with her birth mom, you have been searching for a long time, and that your decision to contact her was independent of her mother's involvement."
This would be the only onion in the ointment. I intend to tell her that I have known about her contact with the birth mother, but that my desire to provide contact information now is mine alone.
At this stage, I'm trying to decide how or whether I inform the birth mother of my decision to 'go it alone'.
I have a gut feeling that the birth mother will be quite upset with me, as I told her 2 years ago that I would wait until she decided that the time was right to reveal me to our birth daughter or if our birth daughter asked about me.
I pride myself as a person of my word, so I am moved to share (not make excuses or ask for 'permission') with the birth mother my intention to initiate contact with our birth daughter, but I also realize that the agreement that I made with her was too open-ended and that I did not realize or anticipate that I would still be at exactly the same point now as I was 2 years ago.
This is why I am so grateful for all of your replies.
I treasure your words because you are all objective as regards the particular emotional and historical circumstances of my situation and you have all offered me your frank and concise counsel. But you are all also allowing me your subjective outlook as people who have been affected by adoption and are willing to journey with other people as we wrestle with our own concerns and dilemmas.
This might sound strange but a part of me was expecting some dissension to my plans of independently making contact. But I gladly acknowledge that my heart and my mind are inspired and encouraged by the unanimity of your responses.
So I suppose that, in addition to continuing to draft an introductory letter to my birth daughter, I also need to think long and hard about how I will let the birth mother know about my plan.
And I'm still open and will graciously consider any other replies!
Best wishes to all,
silversurfer
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Hi there SilverSurfer!I'm an adoptee, 10 years into reunion (around your daughters age, actually. A bit younger). I have a relationship with both of my birthparents, but that with my birthfather has been the most fulfilling (for various reasons). I reunited with him first, and then he provided me with the contact info to reunite with my birthmother. They are, and have remained, completely seperate relationships. And they are not especially amicable with one another. I'd say contact her! Your daughter is certainly old enough, and should be offered the opportunity to know you. The choice to have a relationship will then be hers- the ball is in her court! I think you'd handle it perfectly. You both have a right to know one another, and I think initiating it in this way provides you both with a fair opportunity! :flower:A little word of advice: I would approach your birthdaughters birthmother very carefully. I dont know how your relationship with her is, but if she reacts badly to your idea to contact your birthdaughter, it could get complex (I've been in a similar situation with birthfamily members). Don't let her convince you out of it, because you have just as much of a right as she does to introduce yourself to your birthdaughter, but I'd be cautious !
Hey,I'm not in reunion but I just wanted to come here and say that you seem like such a respectful, wonderful man. I think it's great that you aren't going to try and push your daughter into a relationship, but just want to let her know that you are around if she wants/needs you.I say go for it! Write her a letter. You seem level headed and honest and I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from you even if she doesn't do anything about it immediately.As for the issues with the bmother...I would tread carefully if you think she may try and cause rifts between you and your bdaughter. I don't have any advice to offer for that situation, but I'll be giving you lots of luck!Good luck with everything!
I think the birthmother is treating you very unfairly, especially since the two of you agreed to work together to search for and find your birth daughter. It's not right for her to then unilaterally decide not to mention that she is in contact with you. I would suggest that you contact her first (especially since that is what your conscience is leading you toward) and let her know this isn't fair to you at all. Also let her know that you have contact info and intend to send a letter on your own. Hopefully she will see that it will be much better for her relationship with your birth daughter if she comes clean, rather than having the birth daughter find out she has been hiding this for so long.
Regardless of how the birth mother reacts, I would suggest that you then go ahead and send a letter to your birth daughter. I think you have exactly the right approach to it. I hope she will be excited to hear from you and that you are able to build a fulfilling relationship together.
Good luck!
I agree with the other posters
I found and contacted my father first, and it's been great. I had to ask for his help, and his brother's help who had her contact info. That was really difficult for me. The relationships with my father and mother are independant for sure. But they both seem to have soemthing to say about each other and how I should interact with the other, and it's rarely "nice", and I do see at times where they try to lead me in my thoughts regarding these independant relatinships :rolleyes: They would never agree to communicate with each other.
If you asked the birth mother to ask your daughter if she is interested in having your contact info? Would she ask?
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This forum - what a fabulous resource! I wasn't expecting so many thoughtful and encouraging responses.
My only regret - that I didn't do this sooner!
If any one who has contributed to this is still reading, I am wondering whether I should approach my birthdaughter personally (mail her a letter directly from myself to her) or use an agency to facilitate the contact.
I spent the last 2 days calling up different government and private organizations here in the UK. Like all of you, everyone has been very positive and compassionate - just what I need!
But the common consensus by these professionals is that, according to research and their own experience, first contact is usually best approached through an agency for the following reasons:
- it provides a degree of anonymity to both parties. Although I already have her details and I have no problem with my birthdaughter having my contact details, I think that it is reasonable to be concerned that she may not want me to contact her directly. After all, she contacted the birthmother through the home where the birthmother stayed while she was pregnant and she has understandably kept the birthmother a bit at arm's length, if you follow my meaning.
- the people whom I spoke to were all of the opinion that, given their experience and proficiency, I should consider whether I would benefit from having them provide some oversight and guidance to me in this process (counseling, helping to compose the contact message, etc.). What do you think?
Amandak249 - Love your avatar of Nuestra Seora de Guadalupe! I don't see her much here in the UK but when I was growing up in Texas, she was everywhere, and I was profoundly moved by the reverence and adoration that my Mexican friends expressed for her.
I really appreciate your advice on taking care with my relationship with the birthmother. Your post indicates that you have faced some distress from a similar situation, and I value your input because it presents me with a case of what can happen when there is not agreement between the different parties in an adoption.
You write: "I would approach your birthdaughters birthmother very carefully. I dont know how your relationship with her is"
To answer your question, I'd say that my relationship with the birthmother is amicable. That is to say, quite friendly, but with understandable caution from both of us. In the past 27 years, we met up a few times but I think that the anguish of our experience (our failed relationship and the trauma of giving a child away), among other things, made a continuing relationship too difficult. Now, with the passage of time, we are more comfortable keeping in touch, but I accept that there will always be some tension in our relationship. My making contact with our birth daughter has the potential to put an enormous strain on my relationship with the birthmother, and I feel some sort of obligation to try and remain on good terms with the birthmother, since we share this meaningful bond. But I am not content to allow my feelings of obligation towards the birthmother to determine how I will conduct my desire to provide my contact information to my birthdaughter.
You also say, "Don't let her convince you out of it, because you have just as much of a right as she does to introduce yourself to your birthdaughter, but I'd be cautious!"
For the sake of all of us, I am seeking to journey with gentle and considerate determination. There has already been enough heartbreak and misery. Now is the time for truth and understanding.
hpfreak080 - "...you seem like such a respectful, wonderful man...[and] You seem level headed and honest..."
I don't see a blushing emoticon to the right or below so (*^.^*)
Thank you for your kind words! I take it that my sincere humility is coming through - good, that is precisely what I'm aiming for! So you are like a good-will lurker fairy, wandering these threads and dispensing good cheer and sunshine? Well met, indeed!
"As for the issues with the bmother...I would tread carefully if you think she may try and cause rifts between you and your bdaughter."
Loud and clear! At this point I'm not so much concerned whether the birthmother may try and do; rather, I'm concerned what the birthmother may have already told our birthdaughter. After all, my name was not put on the birth certificate and it will be awkward for the birthmother to have our birth daughter know that the birthmother has been withholding her contact with me, for whatever reason.
"I'll be giving you lots of luck!"
And a <<big virtual Texas hug>> and thanks to you!:cheer:
St3v3n - you write "I think the birthmother is treating you very unfairly, especially since the two of you agreed to work together to search for and find your birth daughter."
That seems to be the consensus here all right and I totally agree with you, but I am also mindful that I've only given you my perspective. The birthmother has her own experiences and motivations and, whilst I certainly do not agree with or understand all of her actions, I am aware of them and am compelled to at least consider them, which I would humbly say that I am doing.
"Hopefully she will see that it will be much better for her relationship with your birth daughter if she comes clean, rather than having the birth daughter find out she has been hiding this for so long."
I must confess that a part of me feels like I'm putting the birthmother in a corner of her own making. I take no joy in this, but I can only answer for my own actions. I still feel sorry for her, though.
"I think you have exactly the right approach to it."
You all are like my own personal cheer-leading squad!:cheer:
"I hope she will be excited to hear from you and that you are able to build a fulfilling relationship together. Good luck!"
Thank you so much for hopeful words! I'm sure that she will be 'excited', let's hope it will be the good kind! And as I've said earlier in this thread, at this stage I only want to give her my contact details, but if we manage to develop an actual relationship...well, no amount of rational detachment can deny that I'm at this moment moved to tears by the prospect of such an outcome. I deliberately do not dwell too much on this, to protect myself. But after all, this is a time to plant a seed and wait and dream!
BethVA62 - "The relationships with my father and mother are independant for sure. But they both seem to have soemthing to say about each other and how I should interact with the other, and it's rarely "nice", and I do see at times where they try to lead me in my thoughts regarding these independant relatinships They would never agree to communicate with each other."
This will be another interesting bit to navigate. I will be totally honest with my birthdaughter. But do I tell her why the birthmother and I broke up? A: The birthmother's infidelity. Twice. We got back together after her 1st betrayal but when she did it to me again, I had to break it off for good. A couple of weeks later she found out that she was pregnant. Naturally, I denied paternity, but I am absolutely certain that my birthdaughter is mine. We know the date of conception and it jives perfectly with the birthday and my birthdaughter bore a very noticeable resemblance to me in her adolescence- God love her! ;)
I am delighted to say that my birthdaughter has turned out to be a very beautiful young woman. I look at my own little daughters now and wonder if they will someday share her looks?
Incidentally, this brings up another factor that I have only referred to in a roundabout way. I mentioned that the birthmother thinks that, when our birth daughter first made contact with her, she 'scared her off.' I believe that there are 2 reasons for this:
- that the birthmother was desiring an immediate personal and 'in person' relationship
- that the birthmother has had a very challenging life. 5 marriages, losing custody of her children that she had later in life, victim of domestic violence, struggles with drugs and alcohol and so on.
Whereas my life has been rather...more ordinary, although I am very, very far from any kind of sainthood.:p
Let me caveat this by saying that I only know some of what the birth mother has shared with our birth daughter and I absolutely do not see the birthmother as a bad person. To be sure, the birthmother apparently made her share of poor choices along the way, but she was horribly abused as a child (serially molested by her step-grandfather until her teens) and to this day, her family either doesn't believe her or they blame her for the abuse.
I'm absolutely certain that you'll agree with me that that would twist up anybody and for me it goes a long way towards understanding why her life has been so difficult. And I share these details with you because I want to take advantage of our anonymity and your kind and understanding support.
The silver lining - I am overjoyed to share with you that the birthmother is now with a wonderful man who absolutely adores and treasures her. She deserves nothing less and I have expressed my gratitude to her husband on more than one occasion.
Naturally, there is no way that I would share the personal history of the birthmother with the birthdaughter, but I have a hunch that the birthmother would have a selective approach to relating our shared history - namely, the fact that our breakup(s) was/were a result of her infidelities. Perhaps to the birthmother, a more useful narrative to relate would be the fact that I denied that I was the father and so relinquished any agency in the immediate future of my birthdaughter.
Not to excuse but to explain, I was 16, still reeling from the breakup and not in a position to trust anything that she said after all that we had been through. In spite of this, the strange thing was that I always knew that I was the father and I punished myself plenty over they years. But through my correspondence with the birthmother over the years, I slowly began to realize without reservation and accept the truth and continued to navigate the very difficult waters of self-forgiveness and contrition.
"If you asked the birth mother to ask your daughter if she is interested in having your contact info? Would she ask?"
I have already asked the birthmother and she has told me that the time is not right for her to share my details with our birthdaughter.
Wow.
I just had an epiphany.
Perhaps the birthmother does not want to play the part of the 3rd party?
I need to let this sink in...
This is a liberating perspective for me. Without actually saying so, the birthmother has actually discharged me from accountability to her and compelled me to pursue my own path.
What I have been viewing as a restriction born out of an assumed responsibility may also be seen as a license to build my own bridge.
Wow, talk about perspective shift.
What an interesting adventure this is - a pilgrimage of the heart.
Thanks, BethVA62!
And to repeat a point that I made above:
I am wondering whether I should approach my birthdaughter personally (mail her a letter directly from myself to her) or use an agency to facilitate the contact?
Again, my deepest thanks to everyone who has weighed in. Your input is precious to me and I am hoping that you are well and I wish you happiness and laughter, love and light.
silversurfer
I recently came in contact with my daughter I gave up for adoption. I have told her I know where her birth dad is and that he and I have had contact over the years. We actually reunited after breaking up almost right after her birth many years later but it didn't work out and now he won't speak to me. I did mention to my daughter that I know he would like to meet her and so would his parents. She has not brought it up again. I am going to let her work it out at her own pace.
However I would never not tell my daughter about him or prevent him from communicating with her. Right now at a loss as how to tell him, guess I have to write him a letter as he does not take my calls.
I would say go ahead and write her a letter. Why use an agency? She will decide when and how to respond.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
So you are like a good-will lurker fairy, wandering these threads and dispensing good cheer and sunshine? Well met, indeed!
Silversurfer, Your daughter is already in reunion so I think the agencies concerns in that aspect do not apply in this situation - she knows her own mind and is more than able to pull back and stand her ground if she feels the need. The agencies concerns for you navigating this are valid because it is a very overwhelming process. If you feel you are up to it without them then fine but also recognise the UK is eons ahead of the US attitudes on reunion and may have some really good unbiased helpful people just to be there for you...your choice - as you can tell you adoptees here ready to talk but what value we can provide no one can say for sure. Personally - to me it would not matter what or why my parents broke up - she may question why you did not claim paternity but in her late twenties she has lived long enough to put the dots together to draw her own conclusions and recognise that a 16/17 really you were not what you would be as an adult...you only need to go down that road if SHE asks the questions... Personally because she has already reunited I would most likely send the letter direct unless you feel the need to have the agency there for you for support and that is the only way they will provide it. One other note - she is in the US and you are in the UK so any pressure she may feel caused from her mother wanting a one on one being what she expects you want is negated due largely to distance. Take care,Dickons
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Dickons
Your daughter is already in reunion so I think the agencies concerns in that aspect do not apply in this situation - she knows her own mind and is more than able to pull back and stand her ground if she feels the need.
I just wanted to add, based on what you said about her resemblance to you, you should really consider including a few photos in your letter to her. Maybe a photo of you as a baby, one around the time she was conceived, and maybe one that's recent with your wife and daughters in it. Photos have meant so much to me in my reunion, and I think having a face to associate a letter with just helps a person digest the information better.