experiences with visits after TPR

Not sure, but we've been told AT LEAST 3 years but it'd be better to wait until he's a teenager.

it varies from case to case. Our DD loves her mom. so visits continue. even tho her attachement has transfered to us, there's still a tie between them

We have decided to have no contact with our 2 older kids bio parents for the same reason you are talking about-instability...and insanity! We DO visit with the maternal grandparents and older brother. They are very stable, predictable and consistent. They are our kids connection to their birth family and I am very grateful for that. (Even though gma drives me nuts :arrow: hehehe) Is there a possibilty of that in your son's case? Any relatives at all that are with it enough to keep in touch with in some way? Someone who knows the birth parents and can answer questions about what they were like as kids, etc? (which I think can be really good for adopted kids.) I want my kids to have a very honest picture of who their birth parents are, but also know that they were kids once too with lots of great qualities and talents. I want my kids to keep the good things they got from their bios and learn from the bad. If there aren't other stable relatives, I would at least ask the bios for a letter and some pictures for your son to have later in life and, if possible maybe an email address or something to keep in touch through the years. You never know when someone might wake up, get a clue and turn their lives around. If you loose all contact with them, you will never know and neither will your son. Just my 2 cents! Best of luck and good for you for thinking about what's best for your son.

Your story sounds very samiliar to mine. I keep my girls involved w/ bio grandparents, aunt, cousin and older siblings. After adoption I did mediate for 4 supervised visits a year w/ bio mom but she has yet to set anything up. My husband thinks that keeping them involved is only making it worse on us as my 8yo acts out towards us after visiting bio family (bio family very supportive of girls being with us and I know they are not doing anything to provoke this) I am told that "your not my real mom" or "I want to live with my real mom" etc. I worry if I am doing the right thing or is my husband right? Any advice on how to handle the obstinance from my dtr? My husband says she will only get worse, not better...is he right or will this pass? HELP!!!

So sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, it IS a very common experience for adoptive parents. (even when there is no contact with birth family) How long have your girls been with you? She maybe is still unsure where she belongs and seeing birth family stirs that all up again. This would be a good time for you to reassure her that she is part of the family. She could be testing you too. Sometimes the "I want to live with my real mom!" really means "Are you really my mom? or Does it hurt you when I say that? I have even seen my DD say something like that and then study the expression on my face to see my reaction. I just tell her that it makes me sad to hear that because I like being her mom and wouldn't want her to be anywhere else. We were having some trouble with our kids regressing after visits so we decreased to every 3 months and it has been wonderful to have a break in between. We needed to really feel like a family and not babysitters. Last week my DH took the kids to see their older brother and my son came back with a major attitude towards me and was being really mean to his sister. That tells me he is not ready for more frequent contact. Maybe you do need to take a break from visits until you feel she is fully invested in the family and then slowly add birth family back into the picture as much as she can handle. My kids' birth family does not understand one bit why we are doing this. They want to be involved in the kids lives, pick them and take them places, and come to every sporting event. Ultimately, we just have to do what is right for our kids and (for now) that is having less contact with birth family and feeling 100% a part of this family. I guess I should say that we have decided our kids NEED to know their birth family. I don't want them to loose more than they already have unneccesarily. They may always act out some after seeing them, but that doesn't mean it is unhealthy. It may actually be a good way for us to see how well they are accepting the past and moving forward as a part of our family. Talking with them after a visit about their grief can be an opportunity to bond with our kids.

Thank you so much for your timely response and advice! Reading your post has made me feel more at ease that im doing the best I can. I like your response re: what to say when they say we are not their real mom. And your right I think taking a break from bio family right now is wise. School will be starting and that will be a distraction for them. We received both girls 08/09 when they were 3 & 5 (birthdays that month). At that point we were their 4th placement since coming into care 11/08. They have been with us ever since and we finalized adoption 4/10. they were having weekley supervised visits at dhs up until 9/09 with bio mom. Dad went to jail when my oldest was 3yo so my youngest was not born yet. How long have you had your children? How old are they? Thank you, Andree

Our kids have been with us for a year and a half (seems like much longer though!):D They came at 5 and 6 yrs old. The grandparents and therapist had done a really great job preparing them for the move. They came as an adoptive placement so they were told from day one that we were going to be their mom and dad forever (not that they really have a concept of what forever is, even to this day!) The name change has helped a lot and so has decreasing visits. My son has done amazingly well. He is a "rubber band" kid. He just bounces right back from things. My 6 yr old daughter is a different story. She was very attatched to grandma (not neccesarily a healthy attatchment, but the only kind she's ever known) From day one, she was expecting me to be like her mawmaw and I am the exact opposite of her mawmaw. That's where the harsh comments come in. :( I get critisized by my DD for not doing things for her that mawmaw did. This becomes much worse right after visits. I know I am doing my best and really what is best for HER, but it is still hard that she cannot accept me like I am instead of constantly measuring me up to mawmaw. I have to deal with my anger seperately because sometimes I just want to snap back at her! That would only put a bigger wedge between us. SO, I see a counselor by myself, vent to my hubby, come here to these boards, read A LOT about attatchment, PRAY every moment of every day, and things are getting better. I know how hard it is to feel rejected when you are trying sooooo hard to give this child a home and family. People say "Don't take it personally!" but it IS personal! What I try so very hard to do is see the hurt and grief in her comments instead of the rejection. I even wisper to myself sometimes "OK, this is not about me...it's not about me!" The truth is, she misses her mawmaw, she misses feeling close to her and adored by her. The truth is, she doesn't really know if I will be here for her forever. No one else in her life has. Experience has taught her that her entire life could change at any moment and the people she loves could dissappear in an instant.(like her first parents did) Oh, and one more thing! I have discovered through talking to other moms with little girls that around 6-8 years old is when little girls start to fall in love with and emulate their moms. My 6 year old ask me to cut her hair like mine (short) and I will see her going and changing her shirt so we are wearing the same colors. She wants to be like me! How cute. So, I am taking advantage of this developmental stage big time. After I get the baby to bed, my DH takes our son and I take our daughter and we have one on one time for 10-15 minutes. We talk about her day, her bday coming up...anything... and we read a book. I dreaded it in the beginning (because of her control issues) but now I look forward to it. Maybe you could take turns doing that with your girls.

We have a very close relationship and frequent contact with the maternal grandparents and their two teenagers (aunts to our kids). Contact with bparents is a huge maybe, if it happens it won't be for years and years. The damage contact would cause our FD is not worth it in our therapist's opinion and we agree. Biomom is not mentally stable and likely never will be. She's a challenge for her own family to deal with so her contact with everyone is limited.

I am so glad to have found this site and particuliarly this thread. We adopted our foster daughter in May 2010- she is four. We were her 2nd foster home and we could not imagine her moving again. Parents rights were severed in March and that is when the last visit occurred. Our therapist made the same recommendation of not having visits with bio Mom, but recently our daughter has been crying and saying she missed Gloria (her bio Mom, and that's what she calls her). Bio Mom has mental problems (bi-polar, etc) and really sometimes seems out of touch with reality. I've talked to her on the phone a few times, but my daughter has not spoken or seen her since May. I hate to go against the therapist, but I really feel she needs to know her bio Mom is okay. Am thinking of trying to set up a visit - what do you think? Will I be doing the wrong thing for my daughter? Thanks for listening!

My therapist pointed out that the mommy they miss and ask for is the 'good' mommy or the person they remember as taking care of them. The aren't asking for the other side of mommy or the 'bad' mommy who scared them, neglected them, whatever. The problem is you have no control over which side of mommy shows up at a visit. So while our FD will occasionally ask for her biomom what she's asking for is not in her own best interest. (As a four year old she asks for a LOT of things that are not good for her!) So it's up to us as the adults to not just give her what she wants but to give her what she needs. And for now she needs to not be exposed to her birth parents. As she gets older that may change - if the same child is 16 and asking the way we deal with it is going to be completely different. Just remember, even children that have suffered severe abuse will ask for their abusers. So talk to your therapist and do what is 'right' for your child, even if it's what feels 'wrong' to you.

VERY well said. I have never thought of it quite that way.

L was 7 when TPR occurred. Before that, there were twice-monthly visits with bio mom. Bio dad has no contact. After TPR, DSS (county agency) recommended a few visits. The problem is L had a fairly decent relationship with bio mom. I continued visits on a monthly basis and she was the one who stopped them. He called me mom while talking to her is what did it.