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Thank goodness for this great platform where adoptive families can get advice and share experiences! Once again I'm writing to get some advice from other Moms! Our daughter is four years old. She is very smart, intuitive, sweet, and also very sensitive. Although we talk about adoption and read books about adoption with her, we have been waiting for her to begin asking questions about where she came from to share her adoption story with her. We know that soon she will begin asking those questions. Our family and close friends are aware that our daughter is adopted; however my husband and I decided early on that we would be discreet with acquaintances, and neighbors. We would not lie about it if asked directly, but our daughter happens to be adopted, shes not our adopted daughter. DonҒt get me wrong, if my close friends or family have sincere concerns or questions, I have no problem explaining and talking openly with them. But early on realized how uncomfortable some conversations are with those who are simply curious and probing. We feel its our childҒs decision to share or not to share her history once shes old enough to understand it. We want our daughter to be proud of her history and know that adoption is wonderful. My concerns are that kids and some adults can be cruel especially when they are unfamiliar with adoption. From experience, they ask very personal questions and sometimes say unintentionally hurtful things. Also, we donҒt want her to constantly be in a teacher position of educating the world on proper adoption language etc. She should continue to be a happy, carefree, sweet little girl with a family that loves her more than life. Is it even possible to be open (we will be open regardless) and also encourage your child to be discreet. Maybe its not possible. I donҒt know how on one hand you tell them its a wonderful thing and then ask that they choose carefully who they confide in҅especially at 4 years old. We just love her so very much and want to protect her heart and let her be a carefree little girl for as long as possible. Moms, your advice and experiences would be much appreciated K
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I sooo understand wanting to protect them. I'm such a mam bear when it comes to J. On the other hand, I've seen several adoptees talk about the shame and secrecy. I think our generation of adoptions is in unchartered territory, with this regard. I've decided to go with this - "its no big deal" philosophy. I'm following her lead as far as comfort goes. I don't talk about the details of her previous life. In my life,I've found being "out" reduces the bullies more than hiding who I am. Bullies seems to sense out inner secrets and the shame that goes with it. That might not apply to adoption, but its my only frame of reference In Jaz's class (of 22), there are at least 3 adopted kids. The kids know about each other. They know they aren't alone. I'm friends with the other 2's parents. If someone starts picking on them, we'll all know about it and can send a consistent message If she decides to talk about it at school and gets teased, I'll help her process that. Oh, I should probably point out (in case its not obvious), I'm of the "you think you wanna go under the sprinkler of well water when its 50 degrees out? sure! let me know how that works out" school of parenting ;) This generation - at least around here - seems more accepting of alternative families.
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My daughters are 9 years old, have always known they were adopted, and have no issue with it. If it happens to come in conversation with acquaintances (or strangers), we talk about it in non-privacy-violating terms. If people want to ask more questions and I don't feel it's something to be discussed in front of the kids, I'll tell the person that. Their adoption story is their story - and a perfectly normal part of their lives. If we make it a big deal, it becomes a big deal. If we treat it as normal, it's normal. I think you might be worrying a bit too much. Kids can process way more than we sometimes give them credit for. And if we empower our kids to own their story, they'll be that much more prepared to face the world on their own terms.
My adopted kids are both ten, one will be 11 in just a week and half. Neither has ever been picked on for it. Pretty much everyone knows. My kids are proud of it. My daughter did a presentation in school on Russia (where she was born) My son came home in the middle of the school year at age six and didn't speak English so many of his friends remember him starting school when they were all in K, now they are all headed for fourth grade. One way to talk about it is to make it a bedtime story or story time story. Use age approprate language and talk about how excited you were and getting ready for the baby and when you first saw her, etc. The adoption part and the first mom are just parts of the story. Along with what gifts you got, how she woke up at three in the morning. Kids love when you add the silly stuff too, so anything silly you did in your sleep deprivation, throw that in. Anything you did silly cause you were nervous or excited, throw that in to the story. Some people actually make little books for the kids that they can keep in thier room. You can use the computer and scan in pictures and make it like a story book that you staple together. I did one for my daughter and added pictures (found on the internet) of airplanes, and suitcases and photos we took on our trip along with photos of her when we first met. As long as you don't treat it as something shameful or secret, they won't feel that way about it.
You're getting all good advice. :) My only big red flag in your post was this:She shouldn't have to figure out that there's something she needs to ask, to be told her story. Sharing it with her is your responsibility to initiate and teach her about, not her job to have to seek it out from you. She should already be hearing her story and beginning to understand it in bits and pieces, so there is no big "reveal." The longer you wait, the older she is, the more chance it will be a hurtful and confusing thing, rather than just one more wonderful and unique thing about her. You should already be telling her. Starting today.
Although we talk about adoption and read books about adoption with her, we have been waiting for her to begin asking questions about where she came from to share her adoption story with her.
Everyone knew I was adopted and I also gravitated to the other adoptee in my class or camp or even the new babies at church. I am sure there were comments made by the other kids but I do not remember them - I remember the comments the adults made whispering to each other behind their hands not realizing I was there and listening - those obviously did more damage to me if I still remember them 40+ years later. Kind regards,Dickons
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Thank you all!!! Every response offers some great and useful advice. I love the its no big deal" philosophy and the story book about adoption is brilliant! I started pulling photos to put a book together and canӒt wait to share it with her! Happy Twins MomI agree that empowering our children is a priceless tool that will help them throughout life and you are right on target in regard to worrying too much! Just writing my question helped me see things clearer. My concerns and desire to protect my daughter could cause her anxiety about her adoption and that is not acceptable, so IŒm implementing many of your suggestions ASAP! Any other suggestions or experiences on empowering your children anyone can share?
I think at 4 years old, you can't really make her understand that she might not want to tell everyone everything about her story. Little kids are so open and free (yet they do sense shame, etc.). I'm thinking around 8 (maybe depends on the individual kid) is a good time for them to start understanding the concept that they can keep things private if they don't want to tell certain people certain things and it doesn't mean they are lying or that it's shameful-just that certain things are personal info and they don't have to discuss it if they don't want to. And at that point, I'd give some different ways to handle different questions. Like she can be the educator and explain adoption (here is where the positive adoption language really comes in handy) or she can just say nicely that it's private and she doesn't share certain things or she can be the joker and give a silly answer that basically deflects the question. And actually give examples of things to say using these basic approaches so they can have an actual answer in their back pocket. These are all ways that I've read about that we as adoptive parents can handle intrusive questions. I feel that if we are open about everything, DD will be too and it will just be a natural thing to discuss. But it will be up to her how open she wants to be. I just don't think she can intellectually understand that now (she's 3) so she might say things that make people uncomfortable or that are even slightly confused or untrue (it's okay, she's just a baby).
I hope that you are not upset that this is coming from a birthmom. I reunited with my girl about 7 years ago and have learned so much from her wonderful Mom and Dad. I was blessed to be able to share her life through letters over the years. I also know that they did not keep the fact that she was adopted from her. They talked about adoption all the time. For this, I am so grateful. But, as a birthmom, I am also blessed to have a wonderful relationship with her Mom and Dad. As a birthmom, I have heard all of the awful comments made about the choice I made. From, you must not have loved her .. to .. how selfish you were to give her away. But, please don't let her ever forget that her birthmom loved her enough to place her in the arms of a Mom and Dad who loved her from the beginning and always will. One thing I wrote in one of my letters to her Mom was, She was not a mistake, all children are a gift from God, the mistake was the circumstances of her conception. Through the letters we wrote over the years, she learned that I loved her from the day I found out she was on the way - to the day I placed her - to the day I saw her again. I urge you to read and even print out this poem [url=http://www.birthmombuds.com/legacy.htm]Legacy of an Adopted Child[/url] It will hopefully help her as she gets older that she was truly loved. Giving her the tools to handle the questions, will be the best gift you will ever give her. I sent this poem to her Mom. She shared it with her when she turned 16.