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My name is Nancy, and almost 18 years ago I gave up my son for adoption. He is going to be 18 this Saturday.
I was such a young and trusting girl when I gave him up...I was made promises by the attorney handling the adoption (attorney for the parents, not for me). I didn't get things in writing, took promises at face value, etc. A week after my son was born, the receptionist accidentally let it slip to me what the adoptive parents' last name was...and let me tell you, that's been a blessing and a burden all of these years....especially since we live in the same town. I, of course, have been able to find them in phone books (not that I've ever contacted them, etc)...I have found my son on Facebook (haven't Friend Requested or anything).
When he was born, I received pictures until he was 6 months old. When I would contact the attorney, she would tell me that the adoptive mom was just too worried to give me anymore because he was so cute and was worried I'd be upset. I never saw the logic in that...and like I said, I never had anything in writing. Just a promise from the attorney that they would send pictures, etc. I pursued getting them until he was 5 years old and she stopped taking my calls at that point (wouldn't return them or letters). I was also told she would get my name on our state's adoption registry so if he wanted to contact me, he could. I called today and of course, there never was anything done like that.
So. Here is what I need advice with:
I want my son to know who I am and where I can be contacted if he ever chooses to get in touch with me. I can register through the DHS program and hope that he decides to do it one day....OR, since I know their last name and address, I can send a letter to his adoptive mom with all of my information. I don't feel right contacting him outright. I know he is still in high school. I would like to send current pictures of me and the other children I have had, and let him know that I am always here if he ever chooses to contact me. Would that be too forward or intrusive? Part of me feels like it is....but part of me feels like that is MY son, too. It's so hard to know exactly what to do. I don't want them to think I've stalked them all of these years, because I really haven't. But, Google IS a powerful tool...and it wasn't my fault that I was made aware of their full name.
Advice? Suggestions? Hellllllp!!! :flower:
Nancy
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Nancy,
I can only tell you what I did, and why. The year my daughter turned 18, I registered on every internet reunion site I could find. I felt that I didn't have the right to do anything more aggressive, but should she look I wanted it to be as easy for her to find me as possible. I then waited, and prayed she would want to find me at some point... More than two years later, she saw a story about adoption and reunion on 20/20, went to the reunion website they profiled, and less than 10 minutes later found my entry. Was it hard waiting to hear from her--definitely. But looking back, I would do the same thing today.
I did not have any identifying information on her, so in many ways I think your decision is harder. But you have been wonderful in not acting on the information you had all this time. You clearly have his best interests at heart.
All the best, and let us know how this all unfolds,
Soprano
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My soon to be son-in-law has asked me to search for his birthfather. I have lots of names and birthdates, but no luck finding anyone. He is a sweet young man and is now serving in the Army. I for one am very proud of him, but his only desire is to meet his father. Please if anyone can help please contact me.
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nance720
My name is Nancy, and almost 18 years ago I gave up my son for adoption. He is going to be 18 this Saturday.
I was such a young and trusting girl when I gave him up...I was made promises by the attorney handling the adoption (attorney for the parents, not for me). I didn't get things in writing, took promises at face value, etc. A week after my son was born, the receptionist accidentally let it slip to me what the adoptive parents' last name was...and let me tell you, that's been a blessing and a burden all of these years....especially since we live in the same town. I, of course, have been able to find them in phone books (not that I've ever contacted them, etc)...I have found my son on Facebook (haven't Friend Requested or anything).
When he was born, I received pictures until he was 6 months old. When I would contact the attorney, she would tell me that the adoptive mom was just too worried to give me anymore because he was so cute and was worried I'd be upset. I never saw the logic in that...and like I said, I never had anything in writing. Just a promise from the attorney that they would send pictures, etc. I pursued getting them until he was 5 years old and she stopped taking my calls at that point (wouldn't return them or letters). I was also told she would get my name on our state's adoption registry so if he wanted to contact me, he could. I called today and of course, there never was anything done like that.
So. Here is what I need advice with:
I want my son to know who I am and where I can be contacted if he ever chooses to get in touch with me. I can register through the DHS program and hope that he decides to do it one day....OR, since I know their last name and address, I can send a letter to his adoptive mom with all of my information. I don't feel right contacting him outright. I know he is still in high school. I would like to send current pictures of me and the other children I have had, and let him know that I am always here if he ever chooses to contact me. Would that be too forward or intrusive? Part of me feels like it is....but part of me feels like that is MY son, too. It's so hard to know exactly what to do. I don't want them to think I've stalked them all of these years, because I really haven't. But, Google IS a powerful tool...and it wasn't my fault that I was made aware of their full name.
Advice? Suggestions? Hellllllp!!! :flower:
Nancy
(((((Nancy)))))
I know where you are and the need to let your son know you're there is almost impossible to suppress.
First, I really hope you don't contact your son directly, at least for now. Since the aparents and everyone involved were dishonest in their statements, the odds are very good that your son does not know that he's adopted. If you deliver that information to him, the results will likely be unpleasant.
Rather, write a letter to the aparents. Let them know that at some point in the future you plan to contact your son and if they haven't prepared your son for that, they need to get on with it. Include some pictures with the letter of you and your family, in hopes that the aparents were at least honest with him about his origins, so they can give him the pictures.
And then, the hardest part: wait.
I watched my son's facebook page for a couple of years but never made my presence known. It was hard to resist the urge to send a friend request but I took solace in getting to see a little glimpse of him and his life.
My son is 20 and he contacted me this past June. So far it's been unbelievably wonderful. I think that if I had inserted myself before he was ready, it wouldn't have been good, much less wonderful.
Hang in there!
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