Advertisements
Given how heated the dicsussions are surrounding OA's, whether they should be legally enforceable, etc. I thought I'd share how I dealt with some unpleasantries in our recent visit and how the OA contract came into play
T is required to give us one month written notice before seeing J. We are to agree on a time and place.
She emailed (not print writing, but I'm ok with that) 7 weeks ago. She stated she was going to CA for a month, but would like to schedule her visit on the 7th when she gets back. Oh, and she's driving back with her step dad. Would it be ok if he sees J if he's still in town (she's not allowed to bring anyone without express permission)
I said that was inconvenient, as it was the weekend of the finalization. I did not wish to muddy the memory of our party with her visit. I told her we could do the following weekend.
She said ok. She would contact me when she got back from CA to firm up a time and place. She was due back from CA the weekof the 2nd. That week comes and goes. Last week came and went.
She emails my home account beginning at 5:30 on friday night, asking when she was gonig to see J. I don't read email on the weekend, typically. I did happen to look Saturday morning, as we were waiting to leave for a family pool party - to find 3 emails of increasing urgency, asking about the weekend plan.
By that time, I had given up on hearing from her. We had made plans for the bulk of the weekend already. Rather than dropping everything and fitting her back in, I opted to not reply until Bri and I got back form the family party. J was sleeping over her cousins house. we were going to go back and get her at her cousin's birthday party sunday afternoon.
As we're early in the OA, I'm working hard at setting good precidences. Showing up at the last second and demanding a visit is not a good habit.
That night she writes all indignant and says my cousin (who is avoiding me and not speaking with me) told her i wasn't going to let her see her daughter. How would he know?
So I email her from the road, explaining how we had plans, but i could squeeze her in at 5:30 sunday afternoon.
That night she send a series of 3 disturbing emails, which I ignored). we don't need to work together. i don't need excuses or drama. eventually, at 5 am on sunday, she wrote agreeing to the time.
she wanted me to call her to discuss location. I wll not call her. She will not have my number, nor wil we have non-documented negotiations. by the time i got that request, she managed to figure out how to describe the location.
J is unaware that the visit is even going to occur, as this is all happening when she's at her cousins. Throughout T's rants, she initially stated her reason for not contacting me sooner was she wanted to see if her stepdad could be around, because he wants to take pictures. In talking to the family who knew T, I find out stepdad is the one who molested T when she was young. Clearly there's some unresolved garbage there, as she's going on a 2 person cross country drive with just him
So, request to have a pedophile take pictures of my daughter. Not only does that cancel permission for him to see her, but that showed she has not judgement with who she would expose our daughter to.
I told her yesterday that ALL men are banned from visits (in response to her asking if her roommate - who may or may not have done inappropriate things to J - could swing by to say hi).
Bri and i supervised the visit. Seeing her parent showed me a couple things - she doesn't see J as an individual; more like an object. And we have really bonded over the past year.
The choices she made parenting wise will not long term hurt our child. Yes, she fed her a bag of beef jerky, resulting in a stomach ache. Yes, she called her names like lazy and piggy - which have to hurt. And yes, she pulled her hair when she insisted on brushing it.
But in seeing how T treats her, Bri and i are better able to counter some of those things.
At some point, she's start seeing her mom for who she is.
Dealing with T is draining. She was constantly pushing on the boundaries. Can she start video conferencing her daughter? no. Can she have an extra visit in Sept when he step dad is in town? no.
The four corners of the OA contract are clear. The rules are spelled out.
I wrote out all the gory details to show a contract can be a useful thing.
Like
Share
