Advertisements
September is rapidly approaching and I feel the dread coming as well. That sick feeling in my stomach when I send my RAD daughter to school.
I get a weekly call from her teacher (at least) for behavior issues. She is currently in a special needs class with about 12 other kids. It seems like she is the only one with average cognitive ability but the teacher just can't handle her emotional issues. We had a big problem at the end of the year (my daughter and I both have transition anxiety!) and we had to have a meeting with the principal and teacher about the way the her teacher handled a discipline issue. I don't think I want to revisit that over and over this year.
My husband and I have kicked around the idea of homeschooling all summer and I am beginning to like the idea.
I know that she will sit for me and do the work because she has this summer when I have given her worksheets and projects. I think less distraction would be great for her. She doesn't have friends anyway so she won't miss the social aspect.
I am worried that I will be shortchanging her though. She gets speech,motor skills, brushing, a lead vest, a social worker visit every day and other things at school. Some of which is just silly, really a lead vest? She just wants to drive the teacher nuts, duh.
Of course she plays the social worker like a fiddle and I really don't want any accusations on her part against me. She's done it in the past to her therapist and in her birth family they "tattled" to the therapist and social worker all the time on each other. She can play just about every therapist we have tried. Even the one who diagnosed her with RAD! We went through two years of torment with DHS because of her accusations before the adoption was final. At one point they even identified another family for her. (Somedays I wish we would have just given up but that makes me feel so guilty, nevermind.)
I know that is a poor reason to pull a child from public school but it is not my only or even the most compelling reason.
I have had problems with the school for years. Recently when Michael Jackson died the school spent two months rehearsing a tribute concert for a man that died from a drug overdose, not to mention the other things about his lifestyle. So now my girls think of Michael Jackson on the same par as Martin Luther King Jr., or the President!
But my kids still don't know their times tables?:grr:
My older daughter is in 6th grade and I won't be teaching her this year, she will miss the social aspect of it too much, but if her grades are poor again with little help from the teacher, then I will homeschool her next year as well. She barely passed, even with intervention from both of us, the teacher passed her in spite of failing grades. In her IEP we had agreed to let her repeat 5th grade but they passed her (for social reasons)without telling me? So how can I go back on that now without being the evil Mom of the year?
My youngest is 9 and in 4th grade but is about 2nd grade level. She is stuck in with kids far below her level because of her behaviors at school.
Is there anything I should be paying special attention too so I give her the best education I can? Now that her adoption is final the many social workers and therapists and lawyers are all gone. She has no one to "tattle" too so I hope we can start the healing process.
She has been with us for 3 years but in that time we have had so many people try to "help" with their sticker charts and consequences and uneducated parenting advice. If I could get just one person who actually understood RAD I would stick with them forever!
I guess I have made my decision to homeschool but would love advice from someone who has been down the same road. I am scared and don't know if I can do it but really, how much more behind can she get? Since my husband works nights he can also take time with her so I can have a break so I won't get too burnt out.
Does anyone have any advice for me as I take this big step with my child?
Thanks for reading this!
Paula
Like
Share
IMO, RAD kids are the hardest to deal with of all........and because of that, knowing that attachment is the root to their problems, homeschooling them is a good thing to do.
I homeschooled our RAD child for some time. I honestly believe had we started homeschooling him much earlier, he'd have done better. For him, the help came far too late.....but I *know* it helped him tremendously.
The main thing *you'll* have to realize and continue to do---is be able to take a break from your child when you need it. (Weekly, bi-weekly, etc).....because I suspect the first few weeks will be the worst. Your child might pull out all of the stops in acting out......but she'll have no one to manipulate!
IF you can be patient, calm and not let your child pull fast ones on you....then I highly recomend homeschooling as a real *plus* to her healing. Good luck and keep us informed as to how it goes......
Most Sincerely,
Linny
Advertisements
It's hard. Of course, so is dealing with the school and the triagulation and manipulation etc.
Do you think your child needs the services the school is providing her or do you think she is fine without them? I wouldn't want my child to have a social worker visit everyday.
You need a plan for when your child decides she isn't going to do any school work and wants to play push mom's buttons all day instead.
I still find it easier to home school then to deal with schools, though and my kids are all social and have lots of friends now that they are older and know how to have friends. They did not excel in school or go to college, however.
Thanks for the responses. I think that we kind of wanted to homeschool her for a while now, but didn't have the courage. She doesn't really need what the school gives her, it basically amounts to a lot of distraction during her day, how much time is she actually in the classroom with all of the time spent with other people? Not much. Plus she comes home with random gifts, man can she scam people into feeling sorry for her. Then if I say, Oh don't give my daughter gifts, it's because I am an evil mother.
I don't feel like I need either one of my kids to go to college if they don't want to. I have worked many jobs next to people with degrees they could do nothing with. I just want them to be happy and functional in life. I never liked school personally either.
I plan on taking more "Mommy days" where I take off alone for the afternoon and do whatever I want. Maybe once a month. I also want to schedule some break time for me during the day, perhaps before my oldest comes home with her demands for attention, so I am fresh. Luckily my husband works nights so he can help some.
From what I read here you guys use "hassle time?" I plan to try that when she acts out, I guess that is one way to get a clean house!
Last summer we had a social worker come to our house three days a week for 3 hours at a time. Because our daughter told her therapist we spanked her and said she was afraid what would happen if she told. (she can also tremble in fear at will). We had to attend monthy meetings and classes. It's true, I spanked her two swats on her clothed bottom but since she was still in foster care all heck broke loose. This is before we had help in finding out what RAD was. She had destroyed our TV set after a solid week of torturing us.
So we had 9 months of someone telling me how to use sticker charts and plan meals. Yeah, that helped.:grr:
I think that my daughter saw the sucess of her actions last year and will want to stir things up again, this time by lying, especially because the adoption was final a few months ago. This child has had social workers in her life from birth, that was how her family functioned. I want her to know how to live without people watching!
So, it's worth a try! I hope to learn as much as she does and hopefully we can strengthen our bond too.:grouphug:
I homeschooled my RAD daughter in 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades. Last year, we sent her back to public school (6th grade). I thought it was best since she was starting middle school. Turned out to be more stressful than homeschooling. School personnel just don't get it. The more you try to explain, the crazier you look.That said, I am glad I spent those years with her. Its was tough. Very tough. Very, very tough. When I look at each day, I wonder how I got through it. When I look back now, at the big picture, I am glad that I gave her that time. We spent a lot of time one-on-one. Some of the time was good, some not so good. But we were together. The school system is not structured to educate her. Her needs are too specific. She learned from me. I am proud of the fact that I gave her that educational foundation. I hope that she looks back some day and realizes what we did together - she may not, probably not, but I know what I did.She returned to school last year and she had a blast triangulating and manipulating. Like Lucy said, sometimes that has been more difficult to deal with than the homeschooling. I tried so hard to teach the school what it was all about. They refused to listen. I have decided to just let it be this year. I can't fight it anymore.Sometimes I resent the years that I devoted to her. I gave up my career. We suffered financially. I suffered physically. And she resented every moment with me. But I have to say that I would do it the same. I chose to send her back because I was just plain tired. My health was failing and she wasn't going to get better emotionally. With that said, I honestly don't regret it.
I don't feel like I need either one of my kids to go to college if they don't want to. I have worked many jobs next to people with degrees they could do nothing with. I just want them to be happy and functional in life. I never liked school personally either.
Advertisements
Our RADlet is homeschooled. For the two years he did almost nothing and has lost a grade in the process. He is maybe doing better now, but the jury is still out. But even so, its been more healthy for him. He has been healing and he couldn't do that at school. He liked to say how much he liked going to school but really he hated it. He came home angry all the time. He knows how to act his age, but it only an act. He is really a 3 year old in an 11 year old's body. School was a very frightening place for him.
Linny,
I hope I didn't come across as saying Home schooled kids couldn't get into college. Personally, I believe that most Home schooled and alternative schooled kids are better educated and might even be better able to make the mature decisions that a college student needs to make.
I just don't care if my kids go or not, depending on their goals in life. My 11 yr old is very against going to college at this point, so I am not going to force the issue. She may change her mind depending on her future career choice. (She used to want to be a pony when she grew up and they don't need a degree:D )
If my daughters want to go to college and want to make their degree work for them then I am behind them 125%. I have just worked with many people who didn't make their degree work for them. Now they are out quite a bit of money, doing the same jobs I am, and I quit High School and got my GED because I was so bored and wanted to work instead.
I just don't usually agree with going to college for a general degree, as if it was required to have a good career. If my girls can find a way to be happy and successful in what they like to do then I want them to do that, instead of forcing them to fit into another person's idea of successful. Bill Gates was a college drop out and he is doing O.K. ;)
I've had 28 foster kids and some of them were very college bound while some others would be just as happy flipping burgers for a living. My rule is, if that is what you chose then you had better be the best burger flipper ever. I can hug my kids just as well in a McDonald's uniform as well as a power suit.:D
I probably just put my foot in it again with my explanation!
Paula
Lorraine,
You said exactly what I am afraid of. I don't want to become stressed out and sick because of homeschooling. Having my girl in school all day is a kind of respite so I will have to be very aware of taking care of myself.
I am proud that you stuck with it for such a long time. She might not realise it but I bet you gave your child a much stronger foundation to face the world with than if you just put her in school all that time.
The intention is to let our kid attend homeschool for a year and then evaluate our postion and feelings. Hopefully we can make some kind of sucess out of it! If not, then back to the school with her, and I will just have to deal with the teachers I guess!
Thanks for your honest answer, I really feel like some days everything I do is just for nothing,but it's hard to tell outsiders that, they look at me funny when I'm honest about not liking my kids sometimes!:o :p
There is a group on yahoo called HS_Plus for people trying to get the best possible outcome for their special needs kids who are being homeschooled. A lot of those kids are adopted, quite a few internationally, but some from foster care. I'm sure that if you post your concerns to that group you could get some terrific suggestions. Also, for times tables, the book Times Tales really works. It's a simple flip book that's very memorable. You can find it at [url=http://www.timestales.com]Multiplication Tables - Learn your Times Tables Fast![/url].
Advertisements
Jeffw,
I think I know how you feel, my daughter is so stressed out when she comes home, the doctor put her on a half dose of Ritalin at 4pm!
I hate having my kid drugged all day long but the school insisted on it. I am not taking her off her meds though, she is quite a handful without them. But we might be able to lessen her stress and fear by removing the other kids and teachers. She is really hyperstimulated in school and seemed rather relieved to be given the choice to be homeschooled.
I expect a change of heart on the first day when we drop my oldest off to school but we can do the special first day outfit and everything else so she doesn't feel left out.
I am not so concerned if she gets behind, she is two years behind now so really, what can we lose? Better to have her doing 2nd grade work and be happy then to force her into a place that stresses her out enough to poop her pants. Imagine how the rest of that day went?
Even in a special class she was teased. The teacher was not understanding either.
Allieloopy
Linny,
I hope I didn't come across as saying Home schooled kids couldn't get into college. Personally, I believe that most Home schooled and alternative schooled kids are better educated and might even be better able to make the mature decisions that a college student needs to make.
I just don't care if my kids go or not, depending on their goals in life. My 11 yr old is very against going to college at this point, so I am not going to force the issue. She may change her mind depending on her future career choice. (She used to want to be a pony when she grew up and they don't need a degree:D )
If my daughters want to go to college and want to make their degree work for them then I am behind them 125%. I have just worked with many people who didn't make their degree work for them. Now they are out quite a bit of money, doing the same jobs I am, and I quit High School and got my GED because I was so bored and wanted to work instead.
I just don't usually agree with going to college for a general degree, as if it was required to have a good career. If my girls can find a way to be happy and successful in what they like to do then I want them to do that, instead of forcing them to fit into another person's idea of successful. Bill Gates was a college drop out and he is doing O.K. ;)
I've had 28 foster kids and some of them were very college bound while some others would be just as happy flipping burgers for a living. My rule is, if that is what you chose then you had better be the best burger flipper ever. I can hug my kids just as well in a McDonald's uniform as well as a power suit.:D
I probably just put my foot in it again with my explanation!
Paula
I homeschool my RAD dude, too. Love it, he does AMAZINGLY well with the one on one focus and attention. What did it for me was the realization that we'd have more time for ATTACHMENT. Seemed like a no-brainer and he's been FAB! Starting 1st grade work next week! Thansk for the HS_Plus link! I have been DESPERATE for a group of other RAD homeschoolers!!
Advertisements
I homeschooled my 2 youngest last year, including my little RAD first grader. She had been passed from kindergarten to first despite not being able to perform the work which even the principal admitted to. She did NOT catch up to where she should be. That was a little disheartening to me, I wanted everything to go completely smooth and her to make tons of academic progress as well as tons of healing from her RAD. But she did learn a lot, so did I, and her healing was dramatic. Recently I read on a homeschooling forum that it actually takes most parents a good two years to hit their comfort zone with homeschooling where they feel like they are doing things right. That helped take alot of pressure off.
This year, I decided, kind of last minute, to homeschool my 12 & 13 year old RAD boys. They have separate RAD issues, but I really felt like sending them to school all day where they get very little individual attention is just not benefitting them anymore. There are numerous behaviors with both that need serious improvement for them to be successful adults, well educated and able to function well socially. These behaviors just weren't being addressed too well at school. Then when they come home in the afternoon, there's so much busyness. I finally realized there is just NO WAY I can help them get a grip on the behaviors and heal more deeply without having a lot more time with them.
So, never ever would have thought this is something I would be doing, but I am now a homeschooling mom with four kids at home. And to be honest, I am really loving it. I found a wonderful computerized curriculum that the boys LOVE. I can tailor their learning to where they are, going back a couple of grades as needed to get caught up. We also read alot. We have an extremely well stocked library close by we use now. The kids all take part in a homeschool racquetball class. We're learning a foreign language together. We take field trips to explore our state. I have activities we are doing to help with learning to focus, such as free chess lessons available at a community center nearby. Twice a month, homeschoolers meet and play at a laser tag and skate facility. I have time to devote to teaching them more of our religious beliefs. I'm SO much less stressed than when they went to school. I'm really enjoying being with them and knowing I'm giving them the best that I've got. An older son just graduated from high school with only a certificate, he still has to get a GED. He had everything the school had to offer for many years, and I advocated constantly for him. If I had had the wisdom to pull him out and homeschool him when he was little, it could have helped him tremendously. Now it's too late.
Ultimately, YOU are responsible for your child. You make the decision that is right for her, and don't let the school or anybody else succeed in convincing you to do otherwise. They will definitely try.