About to search.... any advice from both sides?

Yes, to this. I obviously don't know the full details of your situation or the strength of your relationship with your adoptive family. But many adoptive parents (particularly moms) and even siblings really struggle when we adoptees go forward into search and reunion. It's clearly very difficult for them - but do not let their fears and insecurities hold you back from doing what is best for you. Expect everyone involved to be an adult (even if it takes some time) and handle their own issues. It's quite possible that, along the path of your search (and hopefully your eventual reunion with your birth family), you'll find some issues and emotions surfacing that you weren't expecting. Many of us do. *Those* will be yours to deal with, in whatever way works best for you. Try to be gentle with yourself, and give yourself the time and space to feel whatever it is you feel. You can find support here, of course, from people who've been down a similar path. But I think it would be great if you had friends/your wife/other family who truly support you as you go along - face-to-face support can be really valuable. I'm glad you aren't going in with any expectations. Keeping an open mind should hopefully make it a bit easier to deal with whatever you find. I hope that your path brings you to a happy reunion. I wish you the best of luck.

Do you think that your support group needs to know about adoption to be truly supportive? So many don't "get" the being adopted. In my case I find myself trying to educate others on the BSE and other topics in adoption. Thoughts

Regardless of the fact you had a great life and do not have feelings of abandonment, reuniting is a very emotional thing, and bound to bring up feelings, many of which will often come out of nowhere or blindside you. It is very important to take the time to process these feelings and let them settle. In my experience, taking this time and pacing things was very crucial (at least for me, but I've also seen it work this way in other people's reunions). It is when people plow through without taking the time to work through the emotions that, IMO, can lead to overwhelm and pullback. I always dreamed of the day my son and I would reunite, but never thought it would happen when it did. He was 27 when he gave the agency his identifying info to pass on to me. I thought I would be well-prepared for it, too, but although I was elated, a whole bunch of very difficult emotions came to the surface. It's not that I didn't want to reunite, it's that I was terrified of saying/doing the wrong thing, terrified that we would develop a relationship and he would pull away, or worse, never really want a relationship. I had to prepare myself for any possibility, no matter the outcome and no matter if I got hurt. I very much wanted to develop a relationship with my son, if, and only if, that was something he wanted. But these things take time and it's not going to be some "instant" thing. Nor did I ever (and still don't) expect that I would all of a sudden become "mom" to him. It's interesting though, because I do (now) consider myself mom (one of them) and this in no way diminishes how strongly I feel that his mother is his mom. I began to think of myself this way after my son's parents expressed to me that I should consider myself my son's "number one mom." It's not that I needed their permission, but knowing that they felt this way really helped me see myself as a valid mother in my own right, after having it drummed in by society and the adoption industry that I was not a mother anymore (truth is, I never relinquished my motherhood, as it is not possible to do so. I relinquished my legal right to raise my son). Another thing was, my son came, on his own, to see me as "mom." He doesn't always call me mom, but will on occasion and sometimes I refer to myself as "mom" to him, other times, it's by my first name. I never expected this, but it has been a very amazing aspect of our reunion. I think it is important for both mothers to not put their child in the middle, and my son has expressed that he never felt that way from either me or his mom, and that was very important to him. His mom always spoke well of me, and I always spoke well of her (even though we've yet to meet!) and I made it clear to my son that I was in no way wanting to replace his mother and that even if I did, I couldn't as it would be entirely impossible for me to do so. I think the attitudes we both share really paved the way for my son to have as comfortable a reunion as possible.It also helps that my son and I are very much alike and have many things in common. It's not to say we didn't struggle with some things. It took a very long time for us to get our reunion "up and running" (but I'd rather err on the side of taking too long over rushing too much). There are times I sense he is annoyed with me and times I can get annoyed with him (but that is part of any close relationship - what a blessing to be able to be annoyed with each other!). In the beginning I was getting a lot of sarcastic/biting comments thrown my way, especially during our first visit. That has settled down considerably, and I think it may have had to do with nerves in the beginning and some "testing" on my son's part, and possibly some unconscious (or conscious!) anger. Whatever. I really don't want to psychoanalyze my son! My advice to you would be take things slowly (maybe not as slow as I did, LOL!), process the feelings as they come up, work with a counselor or support group if possible (or come here for good advice/support), take a break if you need to, and try not to have any preconceived notions or expectations of what "should" be. I always say it's one thing to be hopeful in terms of how you want the reunion to go, but not so good to have expectations that are put upon the other person. Things work best when you each let the other work within their own comfort zone, so demands are never good and expectations for "instant relationships" are not realistic.ETA: zxcz made a very good point in that you shouldn't take ownership for your parent's emotions in this process. By the same token, you should also not take ownership for your family of origin's emotions. They will need to work through this in their own way and you are not responsible for their feelings.

Ideally, yes, though I had a fabulous individual counselor who was not any sort of "adoption specialist." In conjunction with my therapist, I had a reunion support group through the adoption agency where I relinquished my son which was extremely helpful because everyone there for the most part "got it" though there are also many people who have no idea what it was like in the BSE that you still need to educate (mostly younger adoptees who don't know what the climate was really like back then). Also, it is good to read as much as you can about adoption issues, reunion, etc. There are some very good books out there.

You're right. Nobody really "gets" being adopted unless they were, as well. Depends on what type of "support group" you mean, I guess. And of course, I can only speak from my own experience. If by support group you mean a formal group that meets on some kind of regular basis to discuss adoption issues, then yeah - kinda helps if they're adoptees or other members of the adoption triad. I'm a member of an adoption triad group that meets monthly, and it's been immensely helpful since I joined a few months ago. I'm also lucky that I can call on (certain) friends who are non-judgmental, supportive, and 100% in my corner, no matter what. So while they aren't adoptees, they will give me whatever support I need, even though they don't quite "get" it. Sure, some friends are fair-weather friends (or really, acquaintances) I wouldn't call on for support in any situation - they're there for the good times, not the rough. Other friends mean well, but are more likely to speak from ignorance and put their own, non-adoptee interpretation on things (like asking me why I'd be "ungrateful" and search for my birth family when it upsets my mother). So I wouldn't try relying on any of those friends for support through search/reunion. I was (before insurance bent me over) seeing a therapist who, while she was not a specialist in adoption issues, had an open mind and a listening ear. I first went to her for grief issues after a traumatic loss in my family, not for adoption issues. When I saw how she was helping me with that, I figured I'd bring up my adoption and see how the discussion went. She was very helpful as I searched, found my birth family, and made initial contact. So I'd say that a therapist doesn't HAVE to be an adoption-issue specialist to be helpful as well.

Jargon82, Im glad to hear about your decision to search.The other posters have already warned about some of the pitfalls that go with searching. And several without saying it, alluded to the roller coaster effect -- in some respects its not unlike weddings and funerals -- skeletons come out of hiding.Altho children adopted before the age of reasoning have no knowledge of what happened, we are beginning to understand that it has been filed away only waiting to be acknowledged.Whats in your head in terms of searching, comes about as being a part of your soul.It is compelling and will continue to lurk in the background until some action comes about.I have chatted with hundreds of b-moms here and as a result of employees returning to work from substance abuse, etc.Invariably if the question was posed, if they RU with the children given up to adoption, did the R-unification wash away the adoption events, their answer was NO! And was the lost time away from the adoptees, something they missed? The answer was yes!If I asked if they still thot about the adoption events, even tho they had taken place along time ago, they said yes. They never got over having their children adopted. The idea that they could get on with their lives and forget about what happened was just so much bunk. Many indicated that altho they had RU, they still thot about the adoption events and the reasons surrounding why it happened. In some cases it was financial, but in a large number, it was also societal and coercive motivation.If you have decided to search, go for it. It is something in your head and until you do, it will always be a reminder that you should.I wish you the best.

Sometimes the circumstances involving giving a child up for adoption can be quite traumatic. I rarely talk about it, but I was raped when I was 12, gave birth just after my 13th bday. I was "lucky" as my girlfriend who was with me died as a result of her injuries in the attack. Naturally I was a virgin at the time and due to my age they didn't think I could get pregnant . By the time we realized it, it was too late for an abortion. Supposed the records were all sealed. However my son located me anyway and just won't accept that I don't want a relationship. He looks as old as me and also resembles my attacker. I realize none of this is his fault but there is no way I could ever bring him into my world. It is just too painful. Anyway he may have had a better reception from me if he had not been so pushy and aggressive.

Hi Grandma.catrunning, welcome to the forum.I read your post concerning the events that happened a long time ago.I am a male adoptee having searched for 60 years for any b-family, and never found. Sometimes we pay a lot for a long time over things that happened through no fault of our own.Your thoughts and feelings in regard to your son are understandable. What a terrible and catastrophic event for a young girl. They are equally difficult for him to understand, particularly since he is blameless. There can't be anything more devastating to a child than to discover his b-mom doesn't want him, even tho your reasons are certainly valid.These are only some thots for your evaluation and are not in any way an attempt to change your feelings.I wondered 2 things; The first one is to get to know him through FB, Skype, E-mail, or any medium that does not require you to be together.The 2nd part is, that even tho your feelings about him are very strong, in all likely hood he will continue to try to make contact against your wishes. Would you be at all comfortable in perhaps meeting him with a therapist and providing an explanation. In that way it may be possible to not only explain your feelings, but agree to have contact at future times such as Holidays, etc.In this way, he will understand the feelings you have, know that you hold him blameless, but still have many reservations. The door will not be closed 100% but the possibility that at some future date your feelings may change.This was just a way to present options for your evaluation, not a suggestion to change your feelings.I wish you the best.

Drywall, While I definitely feel for Grandma's son, Grandma has a right not to have a relationship with him.We, as adoptees, have a right to search. But, our mothers and fathers have the right to decide that they do not want to have a relationship (or even communicate) with us.As with any other relationship, it's a two-way street, and she doesn't want it. Grandma, I don't know how much you have interacted with your son, but if you can, you might want to consider writing him a letter. If you don't harbor animosity toward him, let him know. If he's asked for medical information, you might want to share that with him, and you might want to give him a little information about his family of origin.... Just do what you can. And, if you don't have it in you to do any of this, it is understandable.My mother was not raped, but she is in the closet. Attempting to communicate with me dredged up the initial pain and trauma of losing me, so she does not feel she's able to continue communicating.... So, I can only imagine the kind of pain that is stirred within Grandma.catrunning. I hope both you and your son find a peace.

Grandma.catrunning,I'm an adoptee, and I agree that kindness and consideration should be at the base of ANY communication - perhaps especially between an adoptee and his/her birth mother. I can't imagine a positive outcome to any contact if you don't start from a place of kindness...Your biological son could not have known, when he began searching, the circumstances of his conception. It can't be an easy thing to learn that you were a product of rape... or to be told that your birth mother wants nothing to do with you. Regardless of the circumstances, that has to be a painful blow for your biological son.That said, you certainly have the right to have a relationship - or not - as you see fit. As L4R pointed out, all relationships are a 2-way street; both parties need to be on board. You aren't, and even if that's difficult for your son, well, since he can't force a relationship, he should respect your wishes.From an adoptee's perspective, I would ask (if you haven't already) if you would be willing to provide an updated medical history to your son. It's scary going through life without knowing much about your genetics. You could probably do so through an intermediary of some kind, if you absolutely cannot deal with even that much direct contact. L4R's suggestion of a letter giving him a some information is a good one; sending him that much would be a kindness. Again, IF you can handle that. If you simply cannot, given the circumstances, that is understandable. From ANY perspective.I am so sorry to hear what happened to you as a young girl. And I'm sorry your son's attempts at contact dredged up that pain...

Hi Grandma, If you don't want a relationship then that is your choice. I'm wondering if you had found any support to help you heal from the attack? I don't know what groups were available to you when it first happened, but there are many good ones now. I'd also like to ask, because it's not clear in your post: did you tell your son about his conception circumstances? If not, it's likely that he doesn't understand how his behavior is affecting you, or why. Chances are good that he did not intend to hurt you. I agree with emerald and L4R that if you, a family member, or an intermediary could at least give him important medical info and some family-of-origin info, I bet it would mean the world to him.

Thank you all for your compassionate responses. You have all given me a lot of food for thought. I have never had therapy for this situation -way back then, therapy just wasn't done. Life just went on as if the whole thing never happened. After all was done with, my parents never again mentioned anything about the rape or childbirth for the remainder of their lives. They were loving parents, so they probably thought or were told that was the best way to handle it. These days I'm sure the situation would have been handled very differently. I did not tell my son the circumstances of his conception - I thought that was just too cruel but maybe he has a right to know. I do think part of the problem was that he was just so pushy at first - that was the only reason I even brought this up at all to the OP. Some things you need to take slowly. He also made some remarks that really put me off at the time. For instance, he made some sort of joke about me being so sexually active at age 12 -was I on the 'Jerry Springer Show'.....At the time all I could think about was getting away from him. But maybe he was just feeling awkward and wanted to inject some "humor". Based on his contact so far, he seems to be lacking in social finesse. Anyway, I do realize that none of this is his fault. It is so ironic because at the same time all that was happening, my stepson and his wife are in the process of disrupting their own adoption - which is why I even joined the forum - and I am feeling horrible about all that. I think I will look into counseling and again, I appreciate your kind words and I truely appreciate hearing from Drywall and the other adoptees. I do need to take your perspective into consideration. I was just selfishly too much into myself to give that a lot of thought at the moment. Again, thank you.....

It's not selfish to take care of your own needs, grandma.catrunning. It's wonderful to consider the perspective of the other side - the adoptee, in your case - and aim for kindness in your actions and words. Just as we adoptees should try to approach the birth families we search for with kindness as well. But you have every right to take care of YOU, first and foremost. It's been a long time coming, but therapy might perhaps be a good way for you to go about taking the best possible care of yourself. I hadn't initially considered that you wouldn't have been offered counseling at the time of your attack, because it's standard now, but since it wasn't back then... and since the pain's been renewed by your son's contact... it's worth considering.It could very well be that your son is socially awkward. He could also have just been so intensely nervous that he flubbed things. Or maybe he's a bull in a china shop kind of person who means well but always seems to put his foot in his mouth. Unfortunately, it's also possible that he just isn't a nice person...Either way, you are right - kindness and consideration go a long way.So to the original poster, jargon82, I'd add an agreement with grandma.catrunning. My initial responses focused more on the adoptee/adoptive family dynamic. If you search is successful, it does pay to remember to approach the birth family you find from a place of kindness...

(((((Grandma))))) I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were such a very young girl. I wanted to let you know that if you live in a city of any decent size, they'll have a Rape Crisis Center. They have trained professional counselors who can help you sort out what happened to you back then. The services are free, and all rape survivors are eligible for free counseling no matter how long ago the attack occurred. I was raped and left for dead by three men back when I was 21 in 1976. You are absolutely right about how things have changed in how rape is handled. I'm sure your parents thought it best just not to talk about it. Sounds pretty crazy in today's world, but that's just how it was back in those years. It's kind of like how my parents rarely ever talked about the baby boy I relinquished for adoption when I was 17. I know they didn't avoid the subject out of meanness or maliciousness -- they thought it would cause me additional pain, so in their eyes it was a loving thing to do. Anyhoo, I just wanted to let you know that you're still eligible for free rape counseling, even though it's been a long time since the attack. :loveyou:

@ grandma.catrunning When I read your son's comments, about Jerry Springer etc, I thought 'he believes the stereotypes about birth mothers.' These stereotypes are like bindweed - persistent, obscuring and damaging. They portray the original mother as sexually promiscuous, drug addled, feckless, welfare scroungers. Most cruelly, unconscionably cruelly, you got the first one (but I do not blame your son; someone is peddling these stereotypes for their own interests. The stereotypes are jammed into the vacuum of real knowledge we have about the real people we seek/are related to). When I reunited with my son, I had to defend myself from the first and last of these stereotypical presumptions (despite the fact that, until we broke up, I'd been in a committed relationship with my son's father for nearly 2 years - unusual for a teenager - and that one of the contributing factors leading to my son's adoption was the witholding, by social workers, of information about the finacial help available to me that I needed for just a short while till I got a bit older, and that I would've repaid that in taxes during my lifetime anyway). So I would hear my son lambasting those teen mums on welfare, knowing as he spoke that teen mums like me were never told about any financial help, and that many of us lost our children as a result. I am so deeply sorry for what you went through when you were so young. I am also so sorry that you had to hear such a painfully wrong misrepresentation of you. But your son has grown up in a world full of lies and misrepresentations about original mothers. You can see it in almost every post, every column. Yesterday I read an article by a psychologist (who is also an adoptive mother), discussing nature and nurture. Even in that supposedly thoughtful, even-toned article I read the following sentence: 'More compelling was the idea that he had been affected by the fetal environment of a stressed teenage birth mother, who probably drank and smoked'. She knew nothing about his original family, but made this presumption. I was a teenager and I certainly didn't drink or smoke. But she sowed the seeds, quietly and, unless you were alert to it, barely noticed. Of course there will be original parents who have issues with addiction etc. But to assume it? Then articulate it? In a publication read by many? That's sowing seeds of suggestion that your son and other adoptees often believe as true. That is what you are up against. I am so sorry you had to hear such an (unintentionally, I'm betting) cruel mangling of that dreadful event of your youth. Part of reunion is learning what's real. And entrenched stereotypes take a long time to be seen for what they are - blocks to compassion and understanding. I respect whatever you choose to do. But one thing I'm sure of - your son is in no way to blame for what happened to you. Only the perpetrator is responsible for that. Your son, like you and your friend, are innocent parties to that heinous crime. Your son is a person, like you. If he must be judged, let it be like us - for the real people we are and for the actual things we do. I cannot possibly know how all this feels for you, and I hope I have not exacerbated your hurt.