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This is my first post so please bear with me. It is lengthy and I beg your indulgence.
I myself am an adoptee, am 55 years old and have a 35 year old daughter who's married with three children (one of which is an overseas adoptee) and her adoptive parents are in their mid-seventies. From all appearances she enjoyed a rather sheltered childhood, received a private university education, and seems to have an exemplary marriage to a loving husband. She's recently reunited with her birth mother and things seem to be going extraordinarily well between everyone involved. All families, primary and extended, seem quite happy with the results of this reunion. She was encouraged by her birth mother to reach out to me and did so about four months ago.
Allow me to preface the following by saying that initially all correspondence was through her birth mother. Lots of discovery as her birth mother blocked many memories which I've since learned is normal. Much of this correspondence centered on what kind of man I am today, things of that nature, which is perfectly understandable. It seemed things were going quite well until about a month ago when she visited her birth mothers home for a week or so. I gather there was a large party during which my daughter met most of her extended family. Upon her return the emails slowed to a crawl, were quite perfunctory although friendly, and no further telephone contact was made or taken. I'm not of a mind that says I was reviled during her visit to her birth mother's. More of a mind that she'd been overwhelmed by the shear scope of the entire episode, that she and her husband were in the middle of moving to a new home, and that three little girls had to be made ready for a new school enviroment. This I'd like to make clear, and I thank you.
However, very recently she and I seem to have reached an issue that I don't believe I can overcome. She is a devotee of the triad concept about which I have no issue. My research on the subject reveals a well meaning belief system that seems to have evolved over time and is regularly practiced. My issue stems from her interpretation of this concept. In her mind the triad demands understanding, inclusion and complete equality between both the birth and adoptive families in her life. For instance, she believes that her adoptive father should hold no more special place in her life than I. That after all, "who is he to deny that of you? This is about me - what I want and need in my life". Although she claims her adoptive father is in complete agreement I find it rather unlikely he's ever seen those words in print, much less heard them spoken aloud. When made aware that I found her thought process regarding her adoptive father flawed, and that I would never agree to elevate myself to his stature, at least in my own mind, she lashed out in rather spectacular fashion. Suddenly understanding and inclusion were thrown to the wind. I became a man who ducked and continues to duck his responsibilities to her. That whatever may have happened to occasion her adoption, it wasn't something I was going to "get off the hook" for. That I never cared about her and never will. Very dramatic to say the least. Adolescent little girl dramatic.
I must say I don't like what I saw in her. Not so much her anger, but her seeming disregard for her adoptive fathers feelings. I can't help thinking that he may have been subjected to similar tantrums regularly over the years, and as he is in his mid-seventies, would rather agree with whatever she says than risk her ire. I can't help thinking this kind of behavior is totally inappropriate for a woman her age and in her circumstance. I can't help thinking I don't really want much more to do with her. Any thoughts?
Thanks
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I see the point about refering to my birth daughter as this girl may seem harsh but it is not intended this way. The fact that I do not feel as others do, does not make my feelings invalid. I do not feel that my position is the same or even close to her adoptive father's. Could it grow to be closer, yes perhaps it could but I am not comfortable with being put in that role from the beginning.
I don't know this person. I just met her and have emailed info back and forth but, I DON'T KNOW her yet. She is a stranger that I would like to know better. I think people confuse knowing about someone with actually knowing them. If others are comfortable going from unknown to family in the blink of an eye, good for them. They are not wrong and I do not judge them as doing something wrong, I just want to go at my speed. I never tried to reject her, only to slow down and start with a friendly relationship and see where it went from there.
For all those that have had great reunions and have felt like family from day 1 of the process, good for you. My way of doing things is just as valid though.
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I am OhAye's wife and I just wanted to write to say that there is a lot that has gone on with my husband's bdaughter that was not said out of respect for her. He was not "detached" from her for quite a while and he actually did enjoy meeting her and getting to know her. He was probably more emothional during that time than I have ever seen him in our 23 years together but then the relationship shifted once he started to put up boundaries which were needed. It was not so much a cae of him denying that he was her biological father but rather put on the same level as her adopted father...her real father, the man who raised her, loved her, sat with her when she was sick, the only man who gets to have the title of "father" in her life. My husband did want to have a relationship with his bdaughter but he wanted it to go slow, to take their time, to get to know each other as you would with any new person in your life. The relationship with her did not end because of her feelings of because of where she thought their relationship should be going. It ended because she had completely unrealistic expectations of and from him. Amongst other things she expected her bfather to chose her over his wife! This situation is very long and very complicated and can not possibly be explained in such a small space but I just wanted to defend a person who I KNOW is decent and kind and loving and is nowhere near the "bad guy" he is portrayed in this whole mess..
To Ohaye,
Your original post read, "I was reunited with my birth-daughter several years ago and things were seemingly going quite well until." Therefore, I thought you were years into this when you got the quoted email from your daughter. Now you say you that you are actually strangers, that you just met, and this started day one. I'm confused. Time makes a big difference.
To Ohaye's wife,
Thank you for sharing! It explains sooo much! Hopefully, now that the relationship is ending, you will stop feeling threatened and can get your husband's emotional energy and focus back on you and his two real children.
Best Wishes,
Snoopy
No one said he is a bad guy. The way he wrote his post made us as readers jump to certain conclusions, that's all.
My point was simply that, rather than back off totally and give up, that this is the time for a conversation about boundaries and expectations. You may not be able to go at your speed; you both need to compromise. You have the right to share with your bio daughter your expectations and how her words and behavior is making you feel, and then it is up to you both to determine how you can work out a relationship that works for you both.
I know you don't know your bio daughter yet, but referring to her as 'this girl' just sounded flippant and made me, as a person reading your words, assume that you really don't have anything invested in her emotionally. She is still your bio daughter - - not 'some girl,' you know?
To OhAye's wife - - we didn't get all of the facts initially, it seems, as you mention that his bio daughter wanted him to choose between the two of you. I wonder how she went about conveying that to either of you.
Here is the difference between being a biological 'parent' who relinquishes a child for adoption, and being an adoptee:
While both the adoptee and biological 'parent' often spend decades wondering about the other, the adoptee, in many cases, knows even less about their adoption than the bio 'parent.' It's a different kind of wondering and waiting situation for an adoptee. When an adoptee finally meets a biological 'parent,' they often view that person as being another parent-figure, in addition to their Mom and Dad. I think that is what happened in your husband's situation, you know? She met him and felt a bond with him - in her case, she put him right into the role of 'Dad' which it seems was intimidating and a little forceful for you and your husband. But she isn't WRONG for doing this and her intention is not to replace her Dad - there is an emotional bond between an adoptee and biological 'parents' and even though it is difficult to explain, it exists, and some adoptees who meet a bio 'parent' cannot deny it and want to express it.
There just has to be mutual respect in an adoption 'reunion,' between the bio 'parent' and the adoptee. Neither one gets to decide how it's going to go; it involves compromise and patience. Until someone has been an adoptee - - you cannot judge how an adoptee reacts to meeting a bio 'parent,' just like I have never said that your husband, or any other bio 'parent' is wrong in the way they feel or behave upon meeting the child they relinquished. I imagine that the relationship between the two is the most complicated relationship there is!
I just believe that it's a two-way street, and too often one member of the triad or the other demands that 'reunion' be on their terms, period. 24 is also still very young; your twenties are hard enough as it is and add on being an adoptee in 'reunion' and you have all kind of emotions and life-changes, etc.
I just hope that both of you continue to be open and honest and patient with your husband's bio daughter. Remember, it is their relationship. I have seen posts regarding husband's and wive's of a bio 'parent' who seem to have a lot of opinions about how the 'reunion' process should go, and even go so far as to sound jealous of the 'reunion,' and I respectfully reply to those types of posts and remind them that, while they're an important part of the process, too, it isn't their relationship or 'reunion.'
I imagine a successful relationship between bio 'parent' and adoptee takes YEARS of work! So that's a good point for your husband to make to his bio daughter, if he hasn't already.
They are not wrong and I do not judge them as doing something wrong, I just want to go at my speed. I never tried to reject her, only to slow down and start with a friendly relationship and see where it went from there.
To Ohaye's wife,
Thank you for sharing! It explains sooo much! Hopefully, now that the relationship is ending, you will stop feeling threatened and can get your husband's emotional energy and focus back on you and his two real children.
Best Wishes,
Snoopy[/QUOTE]
This is unreal!! You are making a judgement on something you know nothing about! I was the one who encouraged my husband to call his ex-girlfriend on their bdaughters birthday each year, I am the one who encouraged my husband to keep writing to his bdaughter when he was unsure where things were going, I was the one who endlessly defended his bdaughter when she would put pressure on him for one reason or another. And here I am being crapped on once again. I did not feel threatened in any way, but I do not accept poor treatment from anyone especially not a stranger who knows nothing about us. Here is a bit of a scoop for some people....the adoptee is not the only person in an adoption reunion...it involves their parents as well as their bparents and every single opinion/feeling/belief is as valid as another one.
Nicole 28 - I agree completely with what you have said. You seem to have the most level head of anyone I have ever spoken to regarding this issue.
Snoopy 87 - you sound very much like another person I know...
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OhAye
He was probably more emothional during that time than I have ever seen him in our 23 years together but then the relationship shifted once he started to put up boundaries which were needed.
Here is a bit of a scoop for some people....the adoptee is not the only person in an adoption reunion...it involves their parents as well as their bparents and every single opinion/feeling/belief is as valid as another one.
snoopy87
To Ohaye,
Your original post read, "I was reunited with my birth-daughter several years ago and things were seemingly going quite well until." Therefore, I thought you were years into this when you got the quoted email from your daughter. Now you say you that you are actually strangers, that you just met, and this started day one. I'm confused. Time makes a big difference.
To Ohaye's wife,
Thank you for sharing! It explains sooo much! Hopefully, now that the relationship is ending, you will stop feeling threatened and can get your husband's emotional energy and focus back on you and his two real children.
Best Wishes,
Snoopy
If you really feel like nothing but a stranger to your daughter, a sperm donor, and that is something she is unable to accept, maybe you should just let it go and leave her alone. What difference does it make to you, if she isn't your "real" daughter? Just curious.
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Oh Aye's wife again. I agree with what everyone is saying and I also respect and appreiciate every opinion that people have offered. To give a quick Reader's Digest version of what happened let me start at the beginning....my husband registered his name in 1999 on adoption.com in case his bdaughter ever wanted to find him. He has always been interested in finding out about her. Is she happy? Is she healthy? Does she have a nice family? More than anything he wanted to know that she did not feel "given up" when she was born. He and his high school girlfriend were just too young to raise a child. So they went with what they felt was their only choice. Adoption. 7 years after he registered on the website she sent her first email to him. I think it is safe to say that it sent everyone into a tailspin. Our family, her family, and I am sure the bmother's family as well. To let you know what kind of a guy my husband is the first person he told (after me) about the email was the bmother. He forwarded the info to her so that she could be in contact with their bdaughter as well. After this first email things went very, very quickly. It was almost as if everyone was making up for lost time over a matter of a cuple of weeks. This speed obviously could not continue for long. Eventually things started to unravel. She started to find fault with her bfather, what he said, what he wrote, how often/seldom he wrote, etc. He was deserate to have a relationship with her so he took it...foir months... Then when her birthday rolled around she was offended by the lack of attention that she received from our family. My husband sent her a card, an email, and he phoned her. He chose not to send a gift because he was being very respectful of her parents, particularly of her father. He was having a difficult time with reunion and so my husband did not want to cause him anymore grief than he was already experiencing. She did not like this...not at all...so this started communication back and forth between the two of them. She refused to see or understand my husband's point of view. It pretty much started to fall apart then, 8 months after reunion started. Over the next couple of years it was an on again off again relationship but it never went back to what it was like before the conflict started. Where she and I went wrong was when I would stand up for my husband after many many months of her giving him a hard time. (it is my opinion that she was just too young to know the implications of what this whole process could cause. She was only 19 when she sent that first letter). She blamed me for coming between them even though I more often than not defended her and her actions when she was being unreasonable. I am an emotional person the same as she is so I can sort of see where she is coming from...as much as a non-adopted person can. In the end she spent the better part of a Sunday slagging me off on my own facebook (a public place) and then turned to my husband and said she wanted nothing to do with me, that I was awful but that she did not see why that should affect her relationship with him. Yhat put my husband in a very bad place. If he continuted with a relationship with her after being so horrible to me what message did that send to her? Or to me for that matter? This was not the first time that she did this to me but it was by far the worse. This was over a year ago now and we have heard nothing since. I would like, for my husband's sake, for them to be able to make peace and go on to have a more respectful adult relationship but to be honest I do not see this happening anytime in the near future...
I hope this has shed some light on our situation...
thanks again for all your opinions and advice...
I have a mom and dad and a mother and a father. Each of the indiduals named are unique and irreplaceable. Because I was adopted I have two sets of parents. Two sets of parents who determined that would happen. One set raised me and the other set begat me...you cannot argue that an adoptee only has one set of parents...it is an impossilibity. Adoptees have grown up with the reality of two sets of parents our entire life - we can love both sets for the unique roles they each played in our lives. One set does not replace the other set - that is not possible. It really is reality, accept it or don't. Dickons
Thanks for giving us the whole story.
I think that a lot of the 'mistakes' that happen early-on in an adoption 'reunion' are due to impulsive decisions that either the adoptee or bio 'parent' makes because they're reacting off of their emotions - fear, hurt, anger, excitement, whatever. Know what I mean?
I agree, 19 IS young...I cannot imagine meeting a bio relative at 19. I was in college, between boyfriends, had just received non-identifying adoption records, and was, in general, still emotionally immature! I can't really fathom it at ANY age, but I can tell you that I am in a far better place at 26 than I was at 19...so, perhaps as she gets older and has more life experiences she will become better-equipped to have a relationship with your husband.
I can understand why she might be having a tough time with you in particular because she might be jealous that you have such a close relationship with him, and she has never had that. You're obviously very important to him, and in a position of influence, so that might intimidate her too. I see that you say you've defended her, been very supportive of her and her 'reunion' with your hubby, but have you taken the time to sit down with her and talk to her about how the two of you might have a relationship? That might go over well, and make both your husband and his bio daughter feel good. You can remind her that there's no reason to be jealous; that you're her bio 'father's' wife and while you guys have your own family you're also supportive of her relationship with him - - but that you need to her give you guys the same respect you have given her and her family. Sometimes a woman-to-woman talk is necessary in tense situations because some women tend to have trouble communicating in situations like this, you know?
Slandering you on Facebook is unacceptable. I think she's acting out, again, because she is jealous and is struggling to process all of the emotions she has. I'd just remove her from your friends list for the time being. You don't even have to tell her - just do it. You have that right. Try to understand that it may be out of character for her to be so spiteful and immature...that she may be reacting out of hurt, jealousy, anger, frustration.
Your hubby is in a difficult place - I don't think that either one of you [you or his bio daughter] is more important than the other, to be frank. If he wants both of you in his life, then he must communicate to his bio daughter that there are going to be certain boundaries and MUTUAL respect between she and you. Perhaps he can come up with list of deal-breakers [and maybe she can, too] and then they can sit down and discuss them. If they cannot agree to each other's deal-breakers [like, one of his points may be 'You must be respectful of my wife at all times, and respect her role in my life and understand that she deserves to be treated kindly'] then perhaps a relationship is not feasible at this point.
Wife again. I agree with every single thing you've said so far Nicole 28. I really believe that a major issue was and continues to be bdaughter's age and maturity level at this point. I have tried (as has my husband) to talk to her rationally and to explain things to her but she almost seems incapable or unwilling to see anyone else's side. She is no longer on my face book or my husband's and has in fact disappeared from our lives. As I've said, my hope is that one day, when she is older and more capable of being empathetic to others, she and my husband will be able to have a relationship that everyone can be happy with.
I really do appreciate having the opportunity to learn what other adoptees think, how they view their bparents as well as their parents. I may not understand it all but I am willing to listen...
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I'm glad that even if we weren't much help that you can at least get a bit of a window view of the "world of an adoptee"
As Nicole28 said above, I hope in the future that you all can sit down and have an adult conversation.
Maybe his daughter really didn't think about what she really wanted out of the reunion, I myself am having to process that now with my search. Maybe suggesting adoption counseling for his bdaughter, and for your family may help. There is absolutely no question about weather or not the both of you care about her, otherwise he wouldn't have listed himself of the registry.
I can't say it as articulatly as Nicole28 but IMO his bdaughter may not be processing her emotions well. I hope you all can have a wonderful respectful relationship down the road.
OhAye
Wife again. I agree with every single thing you've said so far Nicole 28. I really believe that a major issue was and continues to be bdaughter's age and maturity level at this point. I have tried (as has my husband) to talk to her rationally and to explain things to her but she almost seems incapable or unwilling to see anyone else's side. She is no longer on my face book or my husband's and has in fact disappeared from our lives. As I've said, my hope is that one day, when she is older and more capable of being empathetic to others, she and my husband will be able to have a relationship that everyone can be happy with.
I really do appreciate having the opportunity to learn what other adoptees think, how they view their bparents as well as their parents. I may not understand it all but I am willing to listen...
Thanks BabyRachel. I think that one of the problems could have been, not only her age and maturity level, but also the fact that as far as I know she did not get professional help and only counted on her friends (as we all do). These friends would have been the same age as she was and still in the "world revolves around me" stage of their lives which would not have been helpful in getting her to see this situation from someone else's perspective. We did go to counselling straight away to help us deal with something that we could not possibly have been prepared for. Her first letter arrived on a Saturday, the first phone call the following Wednesday and the trip to meet her the following Sunday (8 days after the first letter!) which was just way too fast. We were in a counsellors office 4 days after that first meeting. Who could have kept up with that pace? Anyway, my husband has just sent her an email to see if she is willing to open communication again and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she will...