Rejected and Dejected-Need Advice

I agree with you that there should be laws that allow adopted people access to their personal information. Sorry to hear that you had such an abusive family and that your b-mom is refusing to provide you with info about your b-dad. I can only imagine how frustrated you may be feeling. I don't know what advice to provide you about searching for your b-dad but I'm sure that others here on the forums can provide practical suggestions. Listing your details on the adoption.com registry is a good start. And often state archives may have military records of who served when. In the meantime, sending you thoughts to help let you know that you're not alone in your difficult situation. There are many people here who can relate and hopefully they'll chime in with support and advice.

Thanks Ripples, I know that I am not alone in being frustrated. I wonder how to get a grassroots movement started to get the information that all adoptees are ENTITLED to. It seems that everything (laws etc) are in place to protect the poor birth mother (boo hoo) who just wants to forget that she has a child with deep emotional scars that may never heal. Hooray for them! All I ever wanted was answers and maybe a relationship. But no. It is easier for her to brush it under the carpet while she lives the life of a gold-digging sleaze. I am bitter. Can ya tell?

Hi 1965,You can try the following organization [URL="http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/"]The Adoptee Rights Demonstration — Why are our identities a state secret?[/URL] - I think they organize the adoptee rights demonstrations in the USA. And there are many resources/groups regarding search listed at the back of Betty Jean Lifton's book, "Journey of the Adopted Self". I'm not sure how or why the laws came about as they did - and given what I know about what many birth mothers experience, I'm not sure it's necessarily from them. It's my guess that the laws were more driven by puritanical societies that wanted to 'hide' the so-called shame of us illegitimate lot and the fact that little, if any support, was provided to unwed mothers-to-be. If you'd like to know more, have a read of "The Girls Who Went Away". In some places like Korea, some have argued that international adoption is a state 'low-cost' alternative to the government providing social and welfare services. I think now a large force that drives the legislation has more to do with the adoption industry wanting to make a buck (have a read of the book, "The Stork Market"). I recently found a book called, "The Politics of Adoption" and started a thread in the Media for Adoptees forum. I've borrowed the book from my local library and will post some of my thoughts on that thread. In the meantime, it is infuriating that we as adoptees are denied the right to selfhood, something that non-adopted people take for granted. And many adoptees are left to endure deeply unfathomable emotional scars, to struggle without knowing our basic medical histories and silenced for wondering who the heck we are. The good news is that I do think that we can heal. It takes a lot of time, energy, will and support, but it can happen. And with more and more of us speaking out, I do think that we can be a force for positive change. Eg. This year in one of the more conservative states in Australia, after much lobbying by adoptee rights groups, the government overturned past laws to allow people the right to their information.

1965, first let me say that I agree that adoptees should have easy access to their own information. I am a bmom who found my bson when he was 32 (he was given the info by his aparents and decided when/if he wanted to contact me.) In the brief time you were together did your bmom tell you any of the details surrounding your conception and birth? I don't know what's going on with her (I could create many scenerios, but that doesn't mean any of them would be accurate.) I have found that reunion have brought out many emotions I thought I'd dealt with many years ago. There may be bmoms who placed their children and never looked back... I just haven't met any. Most of us have our own pain that we try not to share with our birth children. About your afamily, did your adad disappear from your life after the divorce? Is that a relationship you could work on mending?

My A-dad died in 1998. We were close and he was the best part of that family (I do NOT consider them my family) Just thinking of the abuse I suffered under my A-"mom" depressed my. I ve talked it over with my A-siblings about my feelings of being different. They simply stare back with a blank look and say thingslike "well you were chosen we werent" or you were lucky they didnt do abortions back then like they do now" I hate them. Sorry it seems that nobody understands where I am in my life. Although Ideeply love her, my wife doesnt get it (I cant expect that she would). It seems that everything is stacked against the adoptee and completely in favor of the B mom. Yeah there is a Primal Wound here. I feel robbed of a childhood, family, and identity.Oh well. No big deal. As was told to me by my A monster "deal with it!"

Have you tried counseling? A.com has a wonderful resource: Bromanchik. Brenda is a therapist who not only understands adoption issues well, she is also acquainted with counselors in other areas of the country. Someone who understands adoption and its ramifications can be a big help to you. Someone who won't just tell you to "deal." BTW it sounds like your amother had her ways of hurting her biokids too.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss of your a-dad. So many people just don't understand adoptees' sense of loss - and that adds fuel to the pain. IMHO you truly were robbed of a childhood, family and identity and so the enormity of the loss isn't something that one can easily 'get over'. It really burns me up when people are so insensitive. Imagine people saying just 'get over it' to war veterans, survivors of the holocaust or people suffering from serious physical illnesses - or saying "at least your experience wasn't pre-conscious like those of adotees" or "at least you had a good life until XYZ happened". Now that I've been confronting my own adoption-related issues, I have a better understanding of just how difficult it can be to somehow 'overcome' deep pain. Whenever I see Indigenous people in Australia so dejected, depressed and hopeless about losing their country, their pride, their culture, their spirit, their family members (many were from the Stolen Generation) I have much more empathy with their profound sense of loss and anger at all the injustice.

Hey Ripples, I really appreciate your thoughts and words. I get so ****ed depressed at times thinking about it. I really do not like having a pity party for myself, but the emotional scars arent healing with time. I know that if my B-dad is still alive, he wont be forever. All I want is info and i've hit a dead end. On the flip side, I have three lovely girls in my life who genuinely care for me. (2 daughters and a wonderful wife). I have been looking forward to your responses Ripples (and kakuehl). It really helps to know that I am not alone and there are many who know how I feel. BTW, I hope your situations are, well manageable. These wounds seem to never really heal. Some days are better than others.

Yeah, the scars can run very, very deep. One adult adoptee had said to me (she seems like a very wise woman) that post-adoption healing does leave scars. They eventually 'heal' over. But then something opens them up again - and it hurts again. However, one learns along the way to deal/manage somehow AFTER one's done their grieving. And grieving isn't a pity party - it's full-on work - that's probably why it's called grief work. I'd also asked friends who'd survived child abuse about how they 'manage'. And they say that it's a day-to-day challenge. The pain never truly goes away - similar to asthma. But you learn better techniques to breathe better. One of my counsellors who specialises in trauma had said that the pain is like the ocean - the waves may come and go in varying degrees of intensity. Your point about the depression, etc; continuing on and the scars don't seem to be healing. I anticipate that it may take a lot of grief work since adoption stuff runs so deep for many. For me, it has taken a huge, huge effort of grieving, counselling, talking to a pastor, grief support groups, post-adoption support groups, talking to friends, reading about adoption, expressing my feelings, etc; I really do find that the more I express my feelings and acknowledge my scars, the easier it gets to deal with all the stuff. I'm glad that you have 3 loving family members - your daughters and your wife. The following post-adoption resource centre in Australia has an article for partners of adoptees [URL="http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS19_Partners_of_Adoptees_201006052.pdf"]http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS19_Partners_of_Adoptees_201006052.pdf[/URL] In the meantime, good for you for starting to reach out for help in dealing with all this stuff. Hopefully others on these forums will chime in too to offer support.

So sorry that you're going through this! :( Have you thought of leaving her a message telling her that you just want information one time and not a relationship with her? I'm sure you probably have, but if not she may be worried that you want a relationship with her and a lot of effort on her part (that she's not willing to give). If you leave an email address than maybe she can just email back his name at least, to help you on your search. *big hugs for you* It definitely isn't fair to withhold information.

In Indiana, if you know they are deceased, you can get the information released. Check your state's registry.