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I have been married for nearly 18 years to an adoptee who was adopted when he was a few weeks old. We fell in love and I married for all the right reasons, but I noticed that after we got married he shut down emotionally. I realised that he found talking about feelings and emotions very difficult, and so I didn't push it. We had three beautiful children and got on with life, but we have never been as close as I would like or would have expected in a marriage, and I have always had the feeling that he was keeping me at a distance, not letting me know the real him. He refuses point blank to talk about his adoption or searching for his birth mother, saying 'there is a degree of protection in not talking about it' and his distance and coldness have got worse over time. I have despaired for a long time about the future of our relationship, and feel very unhappy that it is no more than a brother / sister relationship. I have tried talking to him many times about this, tried to improve our relationship, but he stonewalls me every time.
This summer I read the Primal Wound, and suddenly had an explanation for the way he is ! I would go as far as to say that he is badly affected by the adoption trauma, although he says it doesn't affect him at all. He has said he is restless / rootless, doesn't trust anyone, doesn't have any friends, and the public sociable 'nice guy' is all a charade. He is very pessimistic and bleak, has explosive rages and I am convinced that he is actually deeply depressed. I am trying my best to understand him and accept him as he is, but after 18years of marriage I don't know whether we have a future, as he really drags me down and I am also very unhappy.
I have tried to discuss the adoption issues with him, and even got him to read bits of Primal Wound, but he doesn't seem that interested and doesn't think he can change mid-life anyway. I understand this, but I think self-awareness would at least be a start. He just sees the problems in our marriage as issues of compatibility, but honestly I don't think he can be happy with anyone with his world view, distrust of people and inability to be emotionally intimate. I hope this doesn't offend anyone here - I'm just saying it as I see it, and I find it terribly sad that he is affected by the adoption in this way - there is no other factor that I know of which would make him like this. When I read Primal Wound it was like I was reading about my husband.
He is completely uninterested in searching for his birth mother - he sees no point and thinks it would open a can of worms. I understand the fear of rejection, but is there anything else that can help him deal with his depression, which is almost incapacitating him. It's like he's boxed himself into a corner with his world view and distrust of others. He is deeply unhappy, but I can't reach him. I'm pretty sure he won't do any therapy / counselling, as that would be tantamount to admitting to a weakness. He won't read self-help books. He barely discusses anything with me...
If you're still reading, thanks for persevering. Admittedly this is a bit of a vent, hopefully among people who understand what I am talking about. None of my friends really appreciate the implications of the adoption - they just think I'm making a big thing about my marriage problems. I guess I am looking for other peoples' experiences, insights and suggestions what I might do, or give me more insight about what he is going through.
I appreciate any answers, and please be gentle...
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I am also married (for 12 years) to an adoptee, and I am sorry you both seem to be struggling right now. I haven't had the issues you have, but I could probably write a mini-novel here (I won't!). I agree with everyone that says that regardless of what is causing your DH's issues, you probably need marriage counseling. I also want to tell you that I sort of "pushed" my husband to locate his birth mom...it was probably more for my own curiosity, but I thought it may be good for him as well. It didn't turn out exactly as we expected and if I had to do it over, I would just support whatever decisions he made in that regard. (Even though it did not turn out well, he is glad that he searched though...at least to have certain answers.) The other thing is if your husband is not interested in counseling, could you at least get him to talk to his GP? He sounds depressed, and may really need medication...for some people that makes all the difference. I hope things improve for both of you and for your marriage.
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your husband sounds like myself about 20 years ago.I think you are correct in your judgement about his behaviour. The "Primal Wound" adoptees suffer is very profound. Until I searched and ultimately found my birthmom, I was emotionally blocked. The birth of a child of my own, only made things more difficult. I had a relationship with my birthmom for many years. It allowed me to heal the wound that had scarred me so deeply. I didn't even realize how much I was missing until after my reunion. Now I won't say that the reunion ended in the ideal manner. I have stopped communicating with birthmom. (my choice) but every relationship in my life has become fuller and emotionally I have opened up. So the reunion served me in many ways. I strongly recommend that your husband seeks out his birth connection. His life will be much more fulfilled by doing it. Remember he has control over how he deals with the information. If he would like to talk about the searching, have him contact me. I will provide first-hand guidance to him. I really believe in the power of searching
bldgafamily
I agree with Ripples, and as an adoptee myself would like to suggest that his challenges and issues may not have anything to do with the fact that he is adopted. They may, but just as easily may not. He could be dealing with depression or something else. People who are not adopted deal with depression, social awkwardness, resisting closeness, etc for a number of reasons. Going to counseling to help your marriage, relationship, and his issues is a great idea. If it turns out many of his feelings have to do with his adoption, you can both learn that. But if other causes are identified, you can deal with those, too. Best of luck to you both.
tryingmybest, your post describes so many sides of adoption.I am a male adoptee and can relate to the feelings you describe regarding your husband.When I was told of my adoption at age 7, it was devastating. The hurt was unbelievable and an ongoing question was " how could you do this to me?" In a single conversation you lose your bonding and security. You are not "unique" or "better than" simply "different from" your peers and school friends---and you dont know how you are different---it's in your head. First, within seconds a wall was built. No one could get close unless I knew them. The majority never got in. Secondly, trust issues developed. These were related to "outsider" status assigned by my a-family. I trusted no one and especially those people in authority. I believed I was an outsider. I had no roots, no legacy, only an a-family. The 3rd and final portions were my ongoing feelings of degredation and shame coupled with attachment disorder feelings, (altho that had not been defined at that time.) I stopped caring. Became silent, vigilant and tried to anticipate events of the future before they became fact. No one knew of the devastation in my head. I needed to show the world that I was strong and never admit that I had been touched by grief and loss, or how badly I sometimes hurt. These feelings were true many years later. Even then, I still could not admit I had been hurt badly by adoption, and what was worse, I had no feelings.Adoption is a life long sentence. Portions of whats in your head heal with time. Altho, many of the issues related to grief and loss remain. Those issues are a dark side. You know they are there, but there are no links to get to them to see what those links contain or how to fix them.There was some urgency to find something that would fix the hurt---make things better---let me join humanity and be like my friends and peers. But, it never happened.Nothing mattered. There were periods of isolation. I didnt want to attract any attention or have to explain the grief and loss that was lurking in the background.When I acted out and was termed "bad" by my a-family I didnt know I was grieving. I could stand the labels that were assigned, but the idea of adoption was overwhelming and there was a great deal of shame.If you share your story, there are dangers there as well. The person hearing it, should have had some deep emotional experience. If they dont have that experience, they won't get it. Its hard to define where the hurt, depression or anger is located with your husband, but somehow he needs help. Marriage counseling maybe a way to come in the back door and search out other issues.There are no easy roads to curing or fixing the adoption sentence. Even those adoptees that have re-united will openly admit that the re-union has not erased all their adoption issues.I wish you the best.
thank you for all your thoughtful responses. It has been really helpful to hear from other male adoptees, and how you feel. My husband won't talk about adoption issues at all - you can almost see the shutters come down when I raise the subject. Although he did tell me that he was bullied for a week after his sister announced on the school bus that they were both adopted, so I guess that only contributed to his reluctance to talk about it. He has no interest in searching for his birth mother, so that possibility is closed.
Things have moved on slightly. We have had one counselling session, where he admitted that he was adopted, didn't trust anybody, was close to nobody, and a workaholic. It was so sad. It seems he is unreachable for now - something that causes me great pain daily as it means that we have little to no relationship. How do other adoptee spouses do it?! Am I really so sensitive, or do I have such an idealised view of a relationship, or do other people have an easier time of it? I feel hurt, rejected, lonely, helpless, depressed. It seems the ripples of adoption are very wide indeed.
I wish I had a happy ending to report. The truth is I don't know how things are going to work out. Right now he is indulging his restlessness / rootlessness - travelling in Asia - hopefully to gain a sense of perspective about his life.
If there's any breakthrough I'll let you know. Thanks again.
tryingmybest
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When you described your husband, I felt I was reading about mine. He was not adopted, but had things going on in his childhood that were traumatic, and he learned to bottle everything up, pretend everything was OK, project an image of "perfection," and keep the lid on. The distance, the coldness and shutting down, the lack of deep emotional connection, I can totally relate to. We've had a good marriage despite these issues as we were compatable in so many other areas and he was able to give me just enough in terms of feeling loved and cared for, but now in midlife, after all that repression of feelings, the lid is coming off and instead of dealing with his emotions and feelings, he's doing the lashing out that you describe, and also sees it as a problem in the relationship rather than the fact that he is depressed and needs help. I think for people who don't allow themselves to really feel and work through their emotions, when the lid comes off, it is terrifying to them, so much so that they just want to put the lid back on again and keep it slammed shut. But those feelings are going to push through, much like a pressure cooker if you just left it going, eventually the lid will blow clean off.
Your husband needs individual counseling as well as couples work with you. Regardless of the circumstances (and it could very well be the adoption, or other issues perhaps in his upbringing, or his gender, or a combination of these and many other things), the bottom line is, he needs help. Unfortunately, like my husband, not all are ready, willing or able to get that help. And there's not much you can do about it if they won't (can bring a horse to water...). Have you thought about counseling for yourself, to help you cope with this, even if your husband won't go? It's very hard to see a loved one struggle and suffer like this, but you can't fix it, either, and that is very hard to accept (at least it has been for me). You can only either be there to support him if he chooses to get help, continue to live a life with him that is rather unfulfilling for you, or think about a separation. I hope that does not come across as harsh, but really, there is not much else you can do, unfortunately.
When you described your husband, I felt I was reading about mine. He was not adopted, but had things going on in his childhood that were traumatic, and he learned to bottle everything up, pretend everything was OK, project an image of "perfection," and keep the lid on. The distance, the coldness in the relationship (this came out mostly when I needed an emotional response from him), the lack of deep emotional connection, I can totally relate to. We've had a wonderful marriage despite these issues, as there were many other things that compensated for what was lacking, and I always knew that despite his difficulty with his emotions, he really did love me, but now in midlife, after all that repression of feelings, the lid is coming off and instead of dealing with his emotions and feelings, he's doing the lashing out that you describe, and also sees it as a problem in the relationship rather than the fact that he is depressed and needs help. I think for people who don't allow themselves to really feel and work through their emotions, when the lid comes off, it is terrifying to them, so much so that they just want to put the lid back on again and keep it slammed shut. But those feelings are going to push through, much like a pressure cooker if you just left it going, eventually the lid will blow clean off.
Your husband needs individual counseling as well as couples work with you. Regardless of the circumstances (and it could very well be the adoption, or other issues perhaps in his upbringing, or his gender, or a combination of these and many other things), the bottom line is, he needs help. Unfortunately, like my husband, not all are ready, willing or able to get that help. And there's not much you can do about it if they won't (can bring a horse to water...). Have you thought about counseling for yourself, to help you cope with this, even if your husband won't go? It's very hard to see a loved one struggle and suffer like this, but you can't fix it, either, and that is very hard to accept (at least it has been for me). You can only either be there to support him if he chooses to get help, continue to live a life with him that is rather unfulfilling for you, or think about a separation. I hope that does not come across as harsh, but really, there is not much else you can do, unfortunately.
JustPeachy
I hear you. I agree with everything you say.I think he is actually having some sort of (midlife?) crisis at the moment. He doesn't know who he is, or what he wants, and is so cold, distant, restless, and incredibly self-centred - he is hard to be around. He also thinks it is a relationship problem - ie I am the problem - and doesn't see the link between 'I don't trust anyone' and 'we only have a functional relationship'.
I already see a therapist, who concludes that there is very little keeping us together, but we have three children, and I do not want to bust up their lives - at the moment. I would love him to seek counselling, but I don't think he is in enough emotional pain yet, and by staying with him through this particular depressive phase (despite being deeply unhappy) I have shown him that it is OK for him to behave in this way and that I will put up with it. I can't say that I will do this the next time. I feel tired - tired of bending myself to his needs, tired of walking around on eggshells, tired of his selfishness, and tired of never having my needs recognised, never mind met.
How have you reconciled yourself to an unsatisfactory relationship?
tryingmybest
You state that your husband has no interest in searching for his birthmom. This is a defence mechinism we all have used at times. (admitting you would want to search, makes you feel vulnerable and weak. This is exactly opposite to what any Adoptee wants to feel). But, and unfortunately this (searching) is the Best way that an adoptee can heal. Often the hardest and most frightening thing to do is The Right thing to do. I personally found that the prompting by my wife's concern for medical history that could have a profound impact on me but more so, on my child was the push I needed. Actually it made it okay to search. This reason is far more socially accepted as a valid reason. It also took some of the emotional focus off of me. The reality was that it Is all about the adoptee, but having a legitamate excuse (scapegoat) was all I needed to proceed. BTW, my sister growing up, was also adopted, from a different family. She has the same attitude that your husband exhibits. She at 56, has never married and has no children, and she moved away from our family. She is still apart of our family, but she is emotionally stuck. In my opinion, (I get flack for this) ALL adoptees need and want to have some connection with a birthfamily, many will deny it with every bone in their body, but I strongly believe this is a defence mechanism.My advice to you: Tell him you have the right to know the medical history of his birthfamily, for the sake of your children. Keep strong. YOU do have a say in all of this.
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tryingmybest
JustPeachy I hear you. I agree with everything you say.I think he is actually having some sort of (midlife?) crisis at the moment. He doesn't know who he is, or what he wants, and is so cold, distant, restless, and incredibly self-centred - he is hard to be around. He also thinks it is a relationship problem - ie I am the problem - and doesn't see the link between 'I don't trust anyone' and 'we only have a functional relationship'. I already see a therapist, who concludes that there is very little keeping us together, but we have three children, and I do not want to bust up their lives - at the moment. I would love him to seek counselling, but I don't think he is in enough emotional pain yet, and by staying with him through this particular depressive phase (despite being deeply unhappy) I have shown him that it is OK for him to behave in this way and that I will put up with it. I can't say that I will do this the next time. I feel tired - tired of bending myself to his needs, tired of walking around on eggshells, tired of his selfishness, and tired of never having my needs recognised, never mind met. How have you reconciled yourself to an unsatisfactory relationship? tryingmybest
trying, I wish I could help you. As an adoptee, I understand your husband so well. I am an old adoptee and have been through many of the unforgiving layers of adoption. Maybe it would be helpful if I shared some generalities for your evaluation.I don't know your husbands story but he is not different from many of us who have inherited the adoption "crazies." He has been hurt and somewhere there is grief and loss. Those feelings, however they came about are a part of the wall of his self protection. As an adoptee, you accept "outsider" status. You can't seem to integrate into close associations with people around you. There is a need to keep friends and peers at arms length. You wish you had the freedom to integrate with them at their level, but strong desires to avoid feeling vulnerable and perhaps again being hurt, take over. Often in silence there is safety.There is a defense that comes about that removes you from being human. At all costs you will defend the right to hide your grief and loss and show that there is no hurt you can't stand. The feelings your husband has, may not be entirely related to his adoption, there may be other contributing factors. But to remove his attachment to silence and distance from people, will take away his defense and he will have to share the depth of his grief and loss. This makes him human and vulnerable.Even in work, it is not possible to hide out of fear and grief.Additionally, there are no links in his head that will lead to trouble spots. He is aware of those gaps, but wont know where they are or how to reach or repair them.In all of this there is a requirement of finding the emotional strength to fight the demons. How that strength comes about or what motivates it seems to be unknown, but it happens. What comes to the forefront is the question of what would happen in your life once you gave up the defense. This is an unknown and there is fear. You have never let down the guard and as a result been vulnerable.The therapist may be able to help uncover hidden feelings and provide guidance.Additionally, your husband may find some help in joining the nightly chat room.He can pick a handle, register and be anonymous when he chats and shares with other adoptees. Many good people go there and are open to sharing their feelings. It may be helpful for him just to hear other adoptees stories.I wish you the best.
tryingmybest
JustPeachy
I hear you. I agree with everything you say.I think he is actually having some sort of (midlife?) crisis at the moment. He doesn't know who he is, or what he wants, and is so cold, distant, restless, and incredibly self-centred - he is hard to be around. He also thinks it is a relationship problem - ie I am the problem - and doesn't see the link between 'I don't trust anyone' and 'we only have a functional relationship'.
I already see a therapist, who concludes that there is very little keeping us together, but we have three children, and I do not want to bust up their lives - at the moment. I would love him to seek counselling, but I don't think he is in enough emotional pain yet, and by staying with him through this particular depressive phase (despite being deeply unhappy) I have shown him that it is OK for him to behave in this way and that I will put up with it. I can't say that I will do this the next time. I feel tired - tired of bending myself to his needs, tired of walking around on eggshells, tired of his selfishness, and tired of never having my needs recognised, never mind met.
How have you reconciled yourself to an unsatisfactory relationship?
tryingmybest
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JustPeachy
What I did learn while he was going through his turmoil and I thought I'd stick it out is this: You cannot control him, can't change him, he needs to work this out for himself. The best you can do is live your life for you (and your kids). I stopped obsessing about him, stopped begging, pleading, crying, and fixating on him. I took care of me and my own needs first and foremost. That's all you really can do. When he felt like talking, I'd talk to him, but I wouldn't try to pry stuff out of him and just gave him his space. You can't rely on him to meet your needs right now, you need to meet your own needs, and I highly recommend doing just that, because with or without him, you will be better for it.
tryingmybest
I have been married for nearly 18 years to an adoptee who was adopted when he was a few weeks old. We fell in love and I married for all the right reasons, but I noticed that after we got married he shut down emotionally. I realised that he found talking about feelings and emotions very difficult, and so I didn't push it. We had three beautiful children and got on with life, but we have never been as close as I would like or would have expected in a marriage, and I have always had the feeling that he was keeping me at a distance, not letting me know the real him. He refuses point blank to talk about his adoption or searching for his birth mother, saying 'there is a degree of protection in not talking about it' and his distance and coldness have got worse over time. I have despaired for a long time about the future of our relationship, and feel very unhappy that it is no more than a brother / sister relationship. I have tried talking to him many times about this, tried to improve our relationship, but he stonewalls me every time.
This summer I read the Primal Wound, and suddenly had an explanation for the way he is ! I would go as far as to say that he is badly affected by the adoption trauma, although he says it doesn't affect him at all. He has said he is restless / rootless, doesn't trust anyone, doesn't have any friends, and the public sociable 'nice guy' is all a charade. He is very pessimistic and bleak, has explosive rages and I am convinced that he is actually deeply depressed. I am trying my best to understand him and accept him as he is, but after 18years of marriage I don't know whether we have a future, as he really drags me down and I am also very unhappy.
I have tried to discuss the adoption issues with him, and even got him to read bits of Primal Wound, but he doesn't seem that interested and doesn't think he can change mid-life anyway. I understand this, but I think self-awareness would at least be a start. He just sees the problems in our marriage as issues of compatibility, but honestly I don't think he can be happy with anyone with his world view, distrust of people and inability to be emotionally intimate. I hope this doesn't offend anyone here - I'm just saying it as I see it, and I find it terribly sad that he is affected by the adoption in this way - there is no other factor that I know of which would make him like this. When I read Primal Wound it was like I was reading about my husband.
He is completely uninterested in searching for his birth mother - he sees no point and thinks it would open a can of worms. I understand the fear of rejection, but is there anything else that can help him deal with his depression, which is almost incapacitating him. It's like he's boxed himself into a corner with his world view and distrust of others. He is deeply unhappy, but I can't reach him. I'm pretty sure he won't do any therapy / counselling, as that would be tantamount to admitting to a weakness. He won't read self-help books. He barely discusses anything with me...
If you're still reading, thanks for persevering. Admittedly this is a bit of a vent, hopefully among people who understand what I am talking about. None of my friends really appreciate the implications of the adoption - they just think I'm making a big thing about my marriage problems. I guess I am looking for other peoples' experiences, insights and suggestions what I might do, or give me more insight about what he is going through.
I appreciate any answers, and please be gentle...