Advertisements
Our former FD has finally been reunifed with her mom. However, the case isn't closed yet, as they still want to monitor her therapy, and there's two more court hearings planned in the next 5 months.
We have become very close with Baby V's mom over the last several months, and we have asked if she'd like to live with us. Her current situation is acceptable, but a bit smooshed, and she commutes to work whereas we live near her job. In our house, she and Baby V would have the upstairs with their own bathroom. Mom likes the idea and the three of us would like to give it a go. It would also make alternate childcare easier for her, since we'd be available and on the spot if they needed us.
However, in light of the drama with which this case ended, us being forbidden to see Baby V for a period of 3 weeks, and mom being told she cannot count on us as her childcare provider, we are concerned that until the case is officially closed, and no social workers are coming around checking on her anymore, we should hold off.
I'd like to note here that we feel comfortable with the situation remaining as it is, and have no illusions about adopting Baby V. We simply consider both her and her mom as family (she doesn't have other family in the area). We've had others live with us in the past, both family and friends, with mixed results. We are aware of the possible pitfalls.
Essentially, my question is this: Should we wait until the last court hearing officially closes the case before proceeding with them moving in, if they still want to do so at that time?
Our home has obviously been inspected and our background checks are still valid from when they approved us as foster parents, so that shouldn't be a problem as far as making sure Baby V's living conditions are up to their standards.
Oh, and we have no intention to foster again, so this living arrangment would in no way impede future foster placements. We have also put our adoption plans on hold for the time being, so that also won't be affected.
Thank you for any thoughful feedback!
Like
Share
Hi,
I am in no way an expert in this nor have I known anybody to experience this type of situation. I guess I have to ask a couple questions. First, does the court want them to live seperate from you for 3 weeks so they can bond? Second, in your heart, do you believe that mom is strong enough and capable enough to take care of herself and baby V without backsliding? If mom's not healthy enough to take care of things on her own, I would be afraid of enabling her by letting her move in, causing her failure in the long run. Does she NEED a place to live for now or is she financially stable enough to live on her own? I guess the only analagy I can use is when mama bird pushes her baby birds out of the nest. It forces them to spread their wings and fly on their own. Just my thoughts. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
Advertisements
Wow, I followed your story about baby V. This is a toughie. I know you want to do what's right for her and her Bmom. It could get pretty sticky if you do decide to have them move in with you and things go downhill for her. It could work out, but I would proceed with caution after all the drama you've been through over sweet baby V.
Thanks for your thoughts. Well, bmom is capable of living on her own, as she's been doing throughout the time Baby V was in foster care and to this day. Plus, right now DH and I are out of the country, so she has her daughter to bond without so much as seeing us for another 2 months. Technically, noone from DSS has told us she can't live with us, but I think we're all afraid to ask. We have not been orthodox in our approach to bmom, and they've been surprised along the way with things we've been "open" to (starting with just meeting bfamily for lunch on our own time, to having bmom come to the house for nighttime routine).
Does bmom NEED to live with us? No. She's proven to DSS that she's capable to be on her own by jumping through all their hoops. Granted, they were still trying to keep them apart but the judge said enough is enough. The judge was convinced. The CASA volunteer has said for a long time now that bmom is remarkably open to advice regarding parenting, not at all defensive as you may expect from a teenage parent.
Honestly, we just see an opportunity to help them out a little by providing a place closer to work and with more space, and free backup childcare (us). That's all. We've done that in the past for others, for various lengths of time. This wouldn't be a permanent solution by any means - we may be relocating internationally, and even if we don't, when we do proceed with our international adoption plans, we don't want anyone else living in the house with us bc we'll want to focus all our attention on our child. Plus, bmom wants to get her GED and then join the Army (a goal she's been postponing while she's been fighting to get her daughter back), so we thought we could be available as temporary legal guardians for Baby V while mom's in training. Once she's done with that, especially with the benefits of a military career, we wouldn't have to worry about either one of them.
We're just thinking - we've done this for others, why not for them? But I definitely am sensitive to the enabling risk - that was a major problem with our most recent "lodger" who had been allowed to live at others' expense long enough to feel that she was entitled.