The Rest of My Life

I agree that secrets aren't healthy, I think that is especially true for the children involved, them knowing their family history, knowing they are adopted, and understanding why seems to me the only way to go. That's why I went with open adoption. With my family and the vast majority of my friends, well I just didn't tell them while I was pregnant, and now it's hard to see the benefit...it feels like opening up a can of worms that I don't have to. With the guy, I guess I know I need to tell him, he lives nearby and if he continues to be a part of my life these two parts of my life will intersect (I have pictures of my son on my phone and all over my computer for instance). The question is when...I wouldn't be laying this out on a first date, but I also want to do it before we're so serious that he feels I've been lying to him about this huge part of my life. Since your experiences went so well, what point in the relationship did you talk about?

Hmmm...let me see. I think I pretty much played it by ear about when to bring up the subject of my son. I would say that I probably told them at the point where the relationship was starting to get serious...maybe around two months into dating...at that point, I could usually tell if the relationship had any long-term potential.

I didn't tell a single person I was pregnant and was a total recluse so none of my close friends even knew. I am SO glad I chose to start telling people. My parents, especially my dad, were hurt at first of course, but we have moved past that for the most part. Men, I'm engaged now, and J has known from the very beginning about Kiddo. We work together and met at work so he knew from just being friends. I have always been totally honest though with any man, even ones that were just coming over to my place for coffee because I do have pictures of Kiddo up and you'd have to be a complete idiot to not see the resemblance.

hi i just wanted to chime in i told my husband before we slept together that i had a daughter i thought that was something he should know b4 we took it to the next level. also i kept my pregnancy secret too. i actually didn't tell half my family they found out tho and try to ask me questions i answer them no problem but i don't bring it up i watch their uncomfortable body movements like they really want to know but don't know how to ask me? also you can always count on the member of your family who just loves to make your business everyone elses they love to spread the word! i did tell a few other guys n they didn't even believe me! i figured i told them n that was enough for the relationship. it'll be fine guys are way more understanding in this situation that i ever thought.

You do it for your son, because he is the secret and he will see that, to you, he is something to be ashamed of. He will benefit, because every time you tell someone about him you are affirming his existence, his being in the world. Even if he is not there, it changes you and how you see him.

As a lifelong secret adoptee myself, I have to agree with Brenda. My extended bfamily have been wonderful but there is a bit of a feeling of unreality about it all because of them not knowing of my existence until 7 months ago.

I have been through a very similar situation as you. I was pregnant at 23 and hid my pregnancy for 7 mths to avoid my immediate family or the birthfather from influencing me to have an abortion and I was right to do so. Once I told my parents (I was living in their home at the time) my mother made me see if an abortion was still possible (it was not) my father did not speak to me for 2 weeks and then things got even worse.....My parents told me not to tell anyone of this except the people at my work (obviously) I had to shop in another town, wear a large trench coat everywhere, had to start parking in the garage so the neighbors did not see me, and went so far as to put me up in a hotel for a night while my uncle came to visit. I didn't choose OA as my 1st choice, it was my only choice since my family and BF did not support the pregnancy, abortion I just feel is wrong, and I did not have the financial means to keep him. I was rushed into making a decision which I have now come to regret... that being OA since the AP I chose have been nothing but horrible to me. I had felt bad about having been forced to keep it a secret while I was pregnant that I finally told my cousin a few months later. He was shocked and found himself in a similar situation with his younger sister a few months later only to end in abortion after he told her of my hidden pregnancy. To this day, I don't think any other family members know about my son but I also don't know how to just come out and tell them since I am not that close to many of them. As far as telling the guy you are dating about you child, I told my husband on the 1st date which by the way was a blind date. Kinda shocking, but I just felt I needed to get it out there and see his reaction right then and there as to avoid future dates that would go nowhere should he not accept it. Ultimately, he accepted it and we have been married for 12 years next month and together 14. He has supported me through my battles with my parents and the AP reguarding the Adoption and never thought twice about it. Unfortunatly though, my relationship with my parents has never been the same since the "cover-up" as I like to refer to it and I don't think it ever will be. Good Luck with the guy thing, the right one will accept it and you will know when it is right to tell him.

Brenda, I completely agree there is a benefit to my son, that's why this is a struggle. My struggle is two fold. First, Although I see the benefit for my son is realizing I'm proud of him and of the decision I made, is there a way to do that without causing my family this pain and grief? I don't want to hurt them. There's a possibility that not only would they be put into a state a grief from this, but that an anger would come out and I would lose my relationship with my parents all together. This brings up my second struggle with this whole idea. I also have a very real fear that my parents would reject the whole situation, I don't think they would understand nor want to participate in an OA and I don't think they would accept the Aparents I chose. It seems worse to me to tell my son that his bgrandparents know about him but don't want to see him more than they don't know about him at all. Before you say that family can surprise you, with my family, what I've learned from the 30 years I've known my parents is they don't surprise me, they have their values they live their life by, and they don't compromise those values. It is something I admire about them, it just makes it difficult when i don't agree with those values. But thanks for all your stories and opinions, they really are helpful.

My son's birthfather is in a similar situation, and for my now 26 year old son, it's no love lost. I guess you have to decide whether your relationship with your parents takes some precedence. I can tell you that it is hard to compartmentalize and that after awhile it will be more and more like you are living a double life, denying a big piece if who you are as well. I also look at it this way. Your parents are adults and do not need to be protected. Your son is an innocent in all this. Most adoptees I know want to be acknowledged. You cannot protect him from how others react but you can stand up to his place in the world... and you can give him the truth, however tarnished, rather than a "what if"?

The fear is real and the result may not be pretty after telling your parents but in my opinion they at least need to know about the child and leave it up to them if they want anything to do with him. My parents were hesitant at first since OA was still a newer concept almost 15 years ago. They went to almost every visit, my dad ( who did not speak to me after hearing I was pregnant for 2 weeks) was the 1st person to hold him after he was born. They were involved until it became too much for them with the the AP treating me so poorly and not honoring the agreement that my father completley pulled away and has now stated "he is not my grandson and until you develop a bond with him again and we get to see him he is not my grandson". Yes, this is hard to hear and hard to accept, yet I have to until I can see my son again whether that be tomorrow or when he is 18. I not only have the challenges of my parents letting the AP dictate the relationship between them but also them dictating the relationship with me although I have never done anything wrong to them or my son. It sucks..bigtime! but I just have to wait and see where all these realtionships go once he is 18 or if he contacts me prior to 18. I never thought my dad would say such harsh words though, he has seen my son more that he has seen his current 4 grandkids I have with my husband and I hate that he see's a difference in them already, but that is his issue not mine. You cannot control your parents feelings, and they will get over the painful secret at some point and time.

This is an old thread but it spoke to me. I hid my pregnancy from most people, except of course my coworkers, my exhusband and my 5 yr old son. We live a few states away from my family but it was easy keeping everything hidden since we aren't really close and they hardly ever visit. I don't take my 5 yr old son to visit that often just because his father (my exhusband) is half black/half italian and even though I am mixed myself(not black just another mix) one of my relatives called my son the N word when he was 2 at a family picnic. I haven't taken my son to visit my family since. I refuse to have him around such people. Makes me wonder what they might have been saying when my father married my mother! My parents are now coming to visit and I am sure my son is going to mention his brother. I am dreading it. I won't ask my son to lie. But am at my wit's end trying to figure out how to tell them when my son brings it up.

One of the absolute worst things is knowing I was a secret, even though I learned of this"secret" some 40 yrs later, I could tell something was off when I was around people as a child that were in on the "secret". Though I always knew I was adopted and had no peoblem with that, the secret part of it still sometimes sends chills up my back even today.

Being a secret is hard. I was a secret even to my older siblings. It does make me even happier that I chose to tell my family about Kiddo as soon as I did.

My son is in an open adoption with me, closed with his birthfather. I am glad I am coming to these boards and seeing how being viewed as a secret affects you all. It's really making me think how to tell my family(although I know they will tar my name and reputation). I think I will tell them. I don't want my son to ever be ashamed. He has nothing to be ashamed about. How open can his adoption be with me if I just let him know me and his older brother but keep him away from my other family members? Not very. Even though my family is very toxic(one of the main reasons I moved so far away), he does have a right to know them. As for his birthfather, we are keeping that closed. I can tell him about his bf, but no names or addresses. Nothing. His birthfather is married to another woman and has a 3 yr old son. The birthfather doesn't want to hurt and lose his wife and 3 yr old. I understand. That's the reason we placed. Even if i had kept the baby, the birthfather would only be able to see our baby by sneaking around. That,for sure, would have caused my son to feel shame, even though my son has done nothing wrong. Hoping that one day my baby boy will understand the reasons that his BF loves him even though it's closed. I just wonder how I can keep all that info in. I am sure he will ask me one day about his bf. I don't know how I would handle it. Though alll he would have to do is ask my now 5 yr old son. My 5 yr old knows his last name, where he works, what he does, etc. Yes, it's closed. Me and the adoptive parents will keep our word. I don't know how to prevent my oldest son from not revealing what he knows in the future. So the baby will always know he is adopted....but he will still know that there's a secret out there about him concerning his Bf. So even if I get over the hurdle of telling my family, there is still the hurdle of telling him about his father when the time comes...if he doesn't ask his big brother first.

^+1 Secrets = bad.