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I am an adoptee and I have known my entire life that I am adopted. I was adopted from Poland, and I know minimal about my birthparents (not good things) and nothing about my birthfamily. As I am getting older I have noticed that I have HUGE jealously issues to the point where I become enraged and almost violent/suicidal. I have a very loving bf but I am extremely jealous. I cannot even watch tv with him because I get so uncomfortable and jealous when there are good looking girls on tv. I cannot go anywhere with him without scoping out every place we go for good looking women and then I watch him the entire time to make sure he doesnt look at them. I torture myself on a daily basis with thoughts of him masturbating to playboy/porn (when he barely even does that, I know because we live together and he knows how I get with that stuff) and I constantly think of him looking at other women. He doesnt go out without me because I am scared he'll look at other women. I know i get jealous like this because I feel insecure and I think if he looks at other women that they are better than me and I am not good enough. I understand that this has a direct connection to being adopted but I DESPERATELY NEED HELP TO STOP IT. It's taking over my life to the point that I will think of it constantly throughout the day almost like I actually enjoy getting upset about it. I have been borderline suicidal with thoughts of him looking and fantasizing about other women to the point that I would rather be alone, which is not what I truely want b/c he is such a loving person. He is NOT in any way a pervert and I know it's only natural to look but this is seriously taking over my life. When I think about it, it makes me want to be violent towards him and I know this isnt right because he IS such a good guy!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP
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I can understand how deeply upsetting your feelings of jealousy are for you. And having ongoing intense feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment, which I think underlie jealousy, is something that some adoptees grapple with, according to authors such as Silverstein et al who wrote "The 7 Core Issues of Adoption". When something that strong washes over, it feels as if one's powerless and paralysed by it - especially when one feels suicidal and/or violent. The good news is that you recognize these emotional dynamics within yourself and are actively seeking solutions, eg. by reaching out for advice. My suggestion is 1) seek professional help such as a counsellor, preferably someone who's familiar with adoption issues, 2) when you're in a calmer head space, share your feelings with your boyfriend and reassure him that you recognize your jealousy has more to do with your own insecurities rather than his behaviour, 3) tell your boyfriend that you are taking proactive steps to deal constructively with your feelings. On a day-to-day basis, some people find it useful to keep a sort of 'good luck' symbol (eg. some written affirmations in their wallet, a piece of jewellry, worry beads) with them to help calm them when they feel the emotions crashing in. Some people learn to do deep breathing exercises. Some religious people say silent prayers or think of God, Buddha, or whomever/whatever their spiritual deity is, etc; Others imagine what someone they admire would do/say in that situation. There are zillions of 'tools' to help one manage. Out-of-control jealousy, like other obsessive emotions and 'addiction behaviour', can be dealt with and managed once you seek help. It may take a lot of time and effort (sort of like trying to quit smoking), but positive change CAN happen. I know of adoptees who'd said that they get full-on panic attacks when their spouse goes away on a business trip. Through working with a counsellor, they have learned ways to manage their reactions and so can you. And the really good news is that you're taking the first positive steps towards change. In the meantime, I hope that at least knowing that you're not alone in your emotional struggles will help a bit as you find a suitable counsellor. Hopefully others here will chime in with their support too.
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