Help! My child called me her "fake mommy"!!

I have a son that went through this and I am of two mindsets :) #1) I think its great to be supportive of her feelings and to understand her grief and loss :) all things you are doing #2) Its not ok to be manipulated, hurt or otherwise damaged by your child. For ME - although at first my child had some genuine pain that needed to be processed (which I totally agree wtih) he figured out it was a "button" issue. Her missing her birth mom should have NOTHING to do with you - meaning, if she is using that excuse to not have to listen to you, or be mean or degrading to you, or undermine your parental role in her life - then it becomes manipulation. My suggestion - give a time and a place for her to grieve, but dont allow that to dictate how you parent. I would talk to her about the different jobs PARENTS have and yes ONE job is to give birth - and that makes you a parent, but there are MANY jobs to parenting. And you would never call her birth mom a FAKE mother because she didnt wipe her bum or change her diapers, and its not fair to call you a "fake mom" because you didnt give birth. BOTH Of you were and are VERY real to her and both have an important role. I would NEVER let her see that she has triggered you - rather simply put a boundary in place that firmly lets her know that she cannot manipulate the situation. For my son, he then moved on to yelling at me when I would enforce a rule "well my REAL Mom would let me do ....." and I would simply respond "Your first mother loved you and wanted what is best for you. All good mothers dont let their kids eat ice cream at 3 in the morning (or whatever it was he was wanting to do) " Sometimes at the root of those behaviors is fear - the stronger, safer and more secure you seem, the less her anxiety will come through. "I am your real mother. I will be here for you for the rest of your life. Your birth mother was also your real mother. Neither of us are pretend or fake or unimportant. I am your mother today and tomorrow and I am the mother you need to respect and obey today. This does not ever change and you are stuck with me forever" THEN ... as a separate issue at a separate time help her process her grief and loss. Do you have contact? Can she safely send a letter or exchange pictures? Can she write a letter to keep on file? Find someone safe in her family of birth that would be willing to have a relationship with? What she needs to see is that it isnt an either or. She, in reality, has two very real mothers. That reality might be different than some of her friends, but it is her reality.

I haven't been thru this yet, but I think jen's advice is good. My only other thought may be trying to explore whether there is some external influence that may be causing this...have kids said stuff to her at school, etc. If so, maybe she needs some "coping skills" to deal with that too (if that's the case). I don't think it's uncommon what she is doing. And I think it's a testament to your parenting that she feels comfortable sharing with you! I do get how it would hurt though!

My daughters are 9 years old, too, and have always known they were adopted at birth. They are both in a really interesting place right now with regard to processing their adoption story and how everyone "fits" together. Also, as they meet more and more children who were also adopted - under different circumstances such as foster/adopt or international - they have questions. While they haven't referred to ME as anything other than "mom," one of them did say the other day that their friend J was adopted and her "real parents" don't live around here. I explained that the parents who adopted her are her real parents. We talked about the similarities and differences between birthparents and adoptive parents, which raised questions about their own birth mom. I agree with Jensboys' advice, to not let your daughter manipulate you. Keep reinforcing that you are NOT her "fake mom" and that you are and always will be her mom. Empowering her to own her feelings about her birthmom is so important, but she can't be allowed to stomp all over your feelings in the process. One of my daughters is facing open-heart surgery next week. When she was diagnosed several months back, her dad and I explained that while we're all stressed out and feeling anxious and sad, it does NOT give any of us permission to treat others badly. We've had to reinforce that periodically, most recently just this morning. But I think they're learning that their feelings are valid, and that we can feel what we feel without hurting others in the process. Hard lesson even for grown-ups, so it needs reiteration. (((Hugs))) to you. The "fake mom" comment must have been SO painful hear. Even though YOU know you're "real" her child's perspective and words do hurt.

Jen, Wow, that is great advice, thanks! I did draw the line at her calling me "fake" - I told her that she may NOT call me that. I really liked what you said about parenting jobs. I do send the birthmom pictures twice per year as she had requested that. I am conflicted about opening up more like asking her to write a letter to my daughter though. My daughter has said repeatedly that she wants to meet her NOW. I am not sure if her reading a letter from her birthmom would ease her pain or open a pandora's box about meeting her. My husband and I believe that she should be older to meet her birthmom. I really fear Facebook as if we tell my daughter her birthmom's full name, she could easily find her as a teen. I don't really need her writing to her birthmom about how mean and horrible I am and how she wants to come live with her. After all, I wasn't even adopted, but if I had been and had a birthmom to communicate with as a teen, I would have done that for sure! Anyway, I will try to remember that her missing her birthmom has nothing to do with me and just keep trying to be supportive. - Kate

I totally agree with this possibility. I was adopted at birth, and when I was younger, Annie, the movie, was pretty popular. The children in my school, when they learned I was adopted, asked if I lived in an orphanage like Annie, and asked other questions to me that came from what they saw in the movie. They also used the "real" and "fake" terms a lot because they didn't know any better. Because I felt so strongly about knowing my parents were my "real" parents, I never used anything like that to them, but it was asked around me a lot by kids that were just trying to understand. Unfortunately, even to this day, I still get asked if I want to meet my "real" mom- I just respond that I have known her for 38 years :)Edited to add: Now as a mom through adoption to baby girls, I get asked if I will ever let them meet their real mom- I just look at the person asking and nicely let them know I am their real mom.

Thanks so much...and blessings to your daughter and the rest of your family as she goes for surgery...may she have a complete and quick recovery!

Just so you know my perspective :) We did end up reuniting my son with his family of birth when he was 13. It was an EXTREMELY positive experience for all of us (and let me tell you it was complicated, with one parent in jail and another with some mental health issues). It wasnt EASY but it was positive. (if you want to read about it - its on my blog July 08 archives). I think when you read some adoptee literature, you often find that they are tortured with questions about WHY, and how come and if they were loved and if their first family thinks about them etc. I think at 9 - BEFORE PUBERTY - it might be a perfect time for increased contact. If it is something your daughter needs, and if her birth family is safe - it could be a very positive thing for all of you. But that doesnt mean your daughter gets a new family -- and in fact, contact might reassure her of that. YOU are still her every day mom -and her birthmom is the woman from whom she got her smile, her hair, her personality etc ;) It might be worth a letter yourself to her birthmom explaining that your daughter is going through some processing and asking if she would consider writing a letter to her, or if direct contact (with you first) is even an option for her. I will say, for me and my son that struggled with this - it brought immense peace. I felt like "more" his mom after reunion -- and honestly, I didnt know it was possible. Mostly becauseI put his needs ahead of mine 0 and I realized first hand that their relationship didnt take anything away from my momness to him :) I hope that makes sense.

Jensboys...your advice was fantastic. It should be in a book somewhere! Seriously! I am a mom of an almost 4 year old boy in a very open adoption. I have no idea what our particular issues on this subject will be when my son is 9 or 10 or older. ONe thing I do know is that opening up early allowed ME to go through the process of creating a relationship with my child's birthmom. It was largely selfish on my part! I don't want to have to go through the pain and difficulty of naviagting that complex relationship later in my son's life. His birthmom and I are a united front, She has vowed to back me up on my parenting decisiuons should he ever play the "my real mom would let me do that" card. I would never challenge your personal and valid reasons for not wanting an open adoption now. But I do think that unless there are safety issues, opening at at young age can present some benefits for you as an aparent, as well as for your child. Whatever your decision, I wish you all the best!

My daughter pulled this on me yesterday. The good news, she has no clue how much it affected me. I know one of the reasons that we're having so much difficulty with it right now is I recently got her a counselor to deal with emotional issues related to her adoption, because she has lots of them right now.I know it's going to get worse before it gets better, and I'm just praying that we weather this easily. My kiddos were adopted from foster care, and their bmom is MIA, so having her be that united front with me isn't a possibility.

You sound like a very thoughtful and involved and caring mother. It sounds like maybe your daughter needs her feelings validated and I wonder if -- and as I write this I know how incredibly hard it is to do -- I wonder if she needs you to listen more and not feel and need to "fix" her emotions or her thoughts. Also, I don't know if you have any spiritual beliefs, but if so, I have told my children many of the same things you have. I've also told them that their birthparents mission was to bring them safely into the world so that we could share it. If they had come from my body, they wouldn't be the same person, and this world needs them as they are. ANd I talk about how their birthparents are mommy and daddy's heros for getting them safely here so we could find each other and be a family. Hope this helps

I would tell her "fake mom" is not appropriate. There is no such thing. If she feels she has to label you other than mom, she can call you adoptive mom. Teach her the words "birth mom." She might need a way to label each mom she has had. Putting her bmom in a place may be enough. My DD has said this too and I am not phased by it. I've just had her more than six months at home. Maybe if I had her since birth it would hurt more. What I don't take is "I hate you." I've told her if she says she hates me or our home one more time, she can start calling me by my first name. Mom and hate don't go to together. People who like me and don't like me call me "Gale." I took the power away from her. Try that.

Have no advice but wanted you to know you are not alone (see my post "you are not my real mother". My kids all know about their bio parents and two of them visit their bio mom, one spends week ends with her (mine were adopted through foster care and this mom really got everything together just too late) I have always supported them knowing their bio parents as long as it was safe and healthy for them, now I am the one who it may not be healthy for. My heart is broken and not sure if humpty dumpty can put the pieces back together again. Angela

Thanks for all the replies. She talked about her bmom again tonight and said she missed her "real mom". She is still very loving towards me and calls me "mommy", I think she just processing the loss of her first mom right now. I just hope she comes through it okay and not wrought with emotions that cause her problems. To Angela, I know exactly how you feel. I try to keep in mind however what Jen told me above - that what my daughter feels for her bmom has NOTHING to do with me. :) Hang in there! -Kate

Wow! My brother did that to our adoptive mom when he was 8 years old. It hurt her deeply. I never said it out loud, but thought it a lot when I was angry with her. My son was adopted at one month and never said that. He did, however, tell me once that he hated me, but then so did my biological daughter. I think it's an ugly hurtful comment, but one that most kids make. I hate it for you that she feels you are her "fake" mommy. Just reinforce that you love her unconditionally. Does she know any other adopted kids? Perhaps she would benefit from speaking with another adopted kid her age or a little older.