trying to decide

I don't find this question offensive. I am not sure that we can ever really answer what is "better" or "worse". Is it better to have young parents? Is it better to have older parents? Is it better to be with siblings? Deciding if something is better than something else is subjective. I think the question you need to answer is, "Do I want another child?" Not because you think you are obligated, or it will be "better" for the new baby to be raised with his/her siblings. But do YOU want to raise another child. I am an adoptee, who was raised as an only child. Would I have liked a sibling? Sure. But was I unhappy? Nope. As I was reading over this post, a thought I never had occured to me. My oldest half brother was also adopted. (we share the same bdad) I never thought about the fact that had the county looked into it, they could have placed me with my half brother. (his parents were his foster parents that then adopted him) Looking back now, I wouldn't be upset if they had the chance to adopt me, and didn't. I love the life I have. I love my family. Would it have been "nice" to have connections with my half brother. I honestly can't answer it, because it wasn't my reality. I could make speculations that it would have, but I can't say for sure. I think that if you choose not to parent this child, that it would be nice if you could keep in contact with the family that does adopt this child, if that works for you and your family. I don't think that you should feel bad if you decide not to parent this child. I don't think that you should allow yourself to think that you "kept your children's sibling away from them." You need to make a decision based on what is best for your family. I think you are having some reservations about this, or you wouldn't be asking us what we think. What are your reservations?! If it is only because of age, I wouldn't let that be the deciding factor as your other children are young as well. (It's not like they are 10 and 13) However, if you really aren't in the place where you want to start all over with the baby stuff, there is NOTHING wrong with that!! My one best friend is only in her thirties with three kids ages, 4, 3, and 21 months and she is SO over the baby stage!!! So, it's okay NOT to want to have another child as well. People make that decision everyday, by using birth control or getting tubes tied, ect. So, just because the bmother of your children has another child on the way, it does not mean that you MUST parent that child as well! I hope this has helped.....I feel like I was rambling!

Tough question...I do understand the reluctance due to your age but I have to ask why your age is now a question vs when you adopted your other children due to their ages... My parents were older and there were issues related to that but not issues that could not be overcome. 1. My parents were the age of my peers grandparents...it was noticeable but definately not the end of the world to me as a child. Note I come from a different generation and older parents are much more common now so that probably does not apply as much today. Then I was one of the only ones in that category. 2. My parents had different views than my peers parents due to a complete generation between them. Their parenting reflected that - some parts good and some parts less good - definately not the end of the world to me as a child although there were days it seemed that way. 3. Mortality - statistically speaking I would loose my parents earlier than my peers. Thankfully due to both their genetics and more so how much they focused on being extremely healthy and active and lived that lifestyle daily - my dad lived into his nineties and mom is still with me in her eighties. Would it have been harder to lose them earlier - absolutely so genetics and healthly lifestyle living overcame the age factor. 4. If my siblings had been placed for adoption - I would want them to grow up with me. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it. But only you can make the right choice - hopefully my post will give you some questions to ask yourself. If you cannot adopt then can you and their other mother talk about requesting a connection with the other family? Who she chooses and what they want in regards to a relationship with you and your children? Kind regards,Dickons

Thank you Brockbaby - not rambling at all and it did help. One of my concerns what what would my children think in 10 or 15 years when they can understand that there was another sib and we were asked to take him in too but chose not to.....would they be angry? resentful? and since these have been open adoptions, would that child be hurt or feel rejected that we did not chose to take him in. I get your point though - these are all "what ifs" and it is impossible to know the future. You always hear about keeping the family together when possible and that is what I would like to do - my bigest reservation is the age thing and if I am being selfish to want to raise this baby (which I would love to do!!). Thank you for your input.

You are not being selfish to want to lavish love on another child!!!! Just sayin' :D I also don't think that we can base all of life's decisions based on "what if". Well, what if this child was placed with a younger couple who was inactive, complacent, or what if one of them developed cancer and passed away!?! These things happen ALL the time, to people both young and old. What if they were placed with another "older" couple?! What if, what if, what if!?!? It can drive a person crazy!! I think that you need to do what YOU feel is right for you and your family and this child!!!

Dickons - thanks for your thoughts as well - b/c you had older parents, that point of view definitely helps. When we adopted our oldest, I was 47 - we thought that would be it but last summer (2009) the bmom called and asked us to adopt another of her children who she had been trying to raise - this child was 19 mos old at the time and we raced to go get her - never stopped to think about the age thing! Now with this one we have time to consider it all. But I know I really want to raise this baby and with all the feedback I've been hearing that age is NOT the main issue, I think I will focus on doing just that. Age was truly my biggest concern and how the child might feel with older parents and that I might appear selfish for wanting this child when younger parents could easily be found. In all honesty - I don't feel or appear my age (nor my dh) People are stunned when I tell them my age esp. when I'm with my kids. My friends are for the most part younger than I am too (other parents) and I feel I fit in well with them and hopefully they feel the same. Thank you, thank you - everyone for the advice and input. I will keep you posted and blessings to you all with the challenges you might face in your life as adoptees. We talk about adoption openly with our girls and celebrate an adoption day with them in addition to their birthdays. I am a mom through the miracle of adoption. :loveyou:

I don't think the question is offensive at all and I appreciate your considering the best interests of the newborn. I'd say adopt the child since it'd be important for both the newborn and his/her b-siblings to stick together, even 'tho they're likely to lose their a-parents sooner than later. By sticking together, it lessens the possibility for both the 3rd youngest and the others to wonder why they were treated differently despite being only a few years apart. My b-siblings and I were all relinquished due to intense poverty and b-family illness. I'm the 3rd youngest, the first one relinquished and the only one adopted overseas. I do sense sibling jealousy on my b-sister's part. And I feel a sense of loss of bloodline/genetic connection.