21/22 wks and need to rant

I don't have any advice from personal experience, but I did want to send some hugs your way!! I'll be thinking & keeping you in my prayers!! :grouphug:

Hi Setsuna-- I hate to say it but in my experience it only gets worse. Once the baby is delivered and you relinquish you learn to live in spite of it, but it never ever goes away. I agree with bromanchik--treasure the time you have. During this reunion with my dear son I've learned that my likes and dislikes, even music I listened to while pregnant with him stayed with him all these years, unknown to him until we started talking. Your baby knows only you now, and (s)he is depending on you not only for physical sustenance but for the love and tenderness that only a mom can provide. You have my number if you need to talk. Hang in there.

crmemory, No I didn't mean to start an outcry at all, I was just letting you know :-)Well, I found out that it is a boy so the adopting parents should be happy. And apparently I was wrong on the weeks and am currently 28 weeks. I was in an accident about two days ago, so they had to take me to the hospital to make sure that baby was okay. He's perfectly healthy and still kicking the crap out of me lol. I was talking with people about my attachment and they said about the same thing you guys basically told me. The father of the baby, who has been supportive with the whole process, actually told me he was waiting for me to let him know when I started feeling the way I did and after thinking and having people to talk about it I feel a little bit better. He, the baby, only has me right now and eventually I know that when the day comes to give him to the family he is going to be in good hands. Now I just have to think about if I want to see/hold him after he's born so....but I can decide that the day he's born. No matter how old this thread gets, any sort of advice is well accepted and I thank everyone for helping me.

Hi Setsuna, I was reading your post and just wanted to drop in and say Hi :0). I have 2 wonderful babies through adoption..our daughter is 7 months and our son is 19 months :). I was wondering if you have thought about open adoption at all? We have a very open adoption..our kids see BM and BD a few times through out the year..they come to their birthdays also. We set up a website so they (BM, BF and their family) can hop on to see pics any time they are missing the kids. Also I talk to them a lot through email/text to give them updates. I love having them in the kids life!! They love the kids just as much as we do so it is fun to share all their milestones with them! There are many differnt degrees of open adoption....also there might be times where you want more contact and there might be times you dont want any at all..that is the wonderful thing about open adoption! I would talk to the adoptive parents and ask them what they are thinking along the lines of "openess". I know our BM said it has helped her a lot seeing pics and being able to ask about them! Everyone is differnt..so please dont feel i am pushing openess on you! Like you said you have time to decide what you want and it is ok at ANY time to change your mind!!

I was strongly bonded to my baby all throughout my pregnancy and extremely bonded after having him. I never thought of him as not mine because I was considering adoption. I told myself to enjoy the time I had with him because it was the only time I would have. I did see and hold him in the hospital, and despite the nurses discouraging me and telling me it would "make it harder on me" I am SO GLAD I had that time with him. In some ways, I think it was better that I didn't have to deal with selecting aparents. In those days, the agency picked out the parents and there was no contact at all. So I felt I could enjoy my pregnancy and not have "interference" or feel in any way pressured by the presence of the paps. Not saying they would intentionally be pressuring me, but I think for me, it would have been too much to deal with. I also took my time after having him to sign papers. I wanted to make sure of my decision, but even though I placed him and thought it was best under the circumstances, I have always wished my situation could have been different. For me, the first year was by far the hardest in terms of grieving. Please make sure you get counseling and allow yourself to grieve. Things did ease up in time, but yes, there will always be thoughts of your child, bittersweet times, emotional times, interspersed in your life. It helped for me to have a semi-open adoption where I could get pics and updates of him and I think I handled things as well as I could. It's a terribly difficult loss, and a lot depends on your circumstances, coping skills, support system, etc., in terms of how you will handle the loss. I was quite surprised at how hard things got for me once my son was grown and I hit mid-life. Those years were more challenging than some of the early years. It's hard to describe, as everyone is different, but I felt and still feel like I don't regret placing my son, however I do regret the circumstances in my life that didn't allow me to keep him. I wish I had a supportive family and had been more ready to parent, had more resources, etc. I would encourage you to allow your feelings of attachment to your baby. They are natural and beautiful. Don't try to push them away or compartmentalize them. I think it's important for your baby to feel this bond with you, even if it's for a short time. I also believe that if you try to cut these feelings off, you will have a harder time working through the grieving process. I would also encourage you to journal your feelings if you like to write. That can help get your emotions out in a healthy way. And even though you are set on adoption, know that you will need to re-evaluate your decision after your baby is born, as your feelings can change dramatically. I know mine did, and I still chose adoption, but you really do have to think everything through all over again to make certain your decision is as sound as it can be under very difficult circumstances.

First let me comment on what you said: There is no possible way you can keep this child. God through his wisdom is creating that child in YOU not anyone else. He has already given you the child. Why would he want you to give it to someone else? Second, honey it is NOT selfish to think of yourself. Loosing a child to adoption is not sapposed to be a normal thing, but our society has made it normal. The feelings that you will feel afterwards are like if someone died, and in fact someone will: YOU. You have to die to what you are: a mother. Think about that. Are you ready to put yourself through death? If you think you had depression before it will only worsen after the adoption because you will suddenly not have that special someone that grew inside you anymore. That WILL be devistating. Can I ask you this? Why do you think it will be impossible for you to keep this child? Rhonda

Rhonda, on a religious note, I understand what you are saying, but when it comes to reality, it's not possible. I've been denied for food stamps twice already and am currently fighting a third time. I eat maybe once a day, on a good day. How could I possibly put a child through that? If I can't feed myself properly, why would I ever want a child to go through that? I don't see it as putting myself through death, I see it as giving this child a chance to live his life the way that I want him to, but not the way I can give him. I'm currently collecting unemployment and in a few weeks won't even have that anymore. My phone just got turned off and I'm still a student trying to keep my grades up to keep my scholarship. Why do I think it's impossible? That is why.

Setsuna, you definitely need to eat. Have you tried getting WIC? They often will qualify you even if Fiid Stamps won't.

Have you tried talking to your college's financial aid office? I was eventually able to get food stamps when I was in school because of my financial aid status - I just needed something from the financial aid department. Depending on your federal financial aid, you may be able to get help. They don't always tell you these things when you are denied, though. In my case, I wasn't working but I did have a work-study grant that I wasn't using, so they gave me food stamps (makes no sense to me, but I wasn't going to argue it). There may also be organizations that can help - food pantries, religious groups, social service organizations. You need to be taken care of. In the meantime, if you are working with an agency, are they not giving you any help with living expenses? I'm not sure what the laws are in your state, but you may want to talk with your social worker about your needs, not just about choosing an a-family.

Hello again, I understand your problems and I have been there too. Have you considered woman's shelters? Many times they help women with children get on their feet. Honey, believe me I've been there-twice and I know what you are going through. I gave up my first born for adoption. I would have given up my second born had two black women not got onto my buttocks and said, "No honey, you stick with your flesh and blood. You give away puppies, not babies." So I kept my second born and I wish, reguardless of the hardship I was going through, would have kept my first born. It's called growing up and being a woman. If you give up that child chances are you'll make the same mistake again, like I did, and have to face it all over again. Who is to say that every family doesn't go through a financial crisis at times. I did. But is that a reason to give up your child/children? No! Unless your rich you WILL loose your job, need food stamps from time to time, have to go live with a relative, get on government housing etc.... Are you certain that there is NO ONE in your family that can help you? You have no resources? Do what you have to to keep your family together, because you ARE a family and that child deserves to be with his mother and have at least one member of his family. Also, you have no guarantee that the family you choose won't break apart/divorce and go through hardships too. Would you want them giving your baby in that case to someone else? They aren't perfect. Please, please keep trying. Don't give up on yourself or your family. My birthdaughter is now 22 yrs. old and does NOT want to meet me. I have concerns about how her adad treated her now that I'm older and not so trustful. Sometimes I think, "What if he abused her in someway?" You just can't guarantee how a family will treat your child once they get their hands on your baby. Also, think of yourself. Placing a child for adoption is like death. It is death. You have to deny who you are: a mother and yes all the feelings as if someone died are there. It is a physical pain. It IS death. I tried not to get attached to my daughter while I was pregnant but I couldn't help it. It is not selfish to think of yourself and not put yourself through such mental and emotional hell and then put that child through mental and emotional hell because to them their mother didn't want them, she quit, she gave up. Start right now and trust the Lord to help you. Pray. He feeds the sparrows, he will take care of you and your baby. Please don't give up like I did. Rhonda

We are currently seeking birth moms/parents who are considering adoption as an alternative to parenting for a new documentary series. We would capture the process as it organically unfolds. Our intent is to provide a platform for birth mothers to share their story as she goes through their journey. Who are we looking for? If youre an expectant mother considering adoption, we want to hear your story! We are looking for pregnant women aged: ҕ 18 30 years old ֕ Up to 6 months pregnant (6 mos along and below) ALL ethnic, religious, socio-economic backgrounds Օ From ANY city in the U.S. this is a nation-wide casting ֕ ANY stage in the adoption process will be considered from those who just started considering adoption, to birth moms well into the process It is not our intent to sway the birth mothers decision. Whether she decides to parent or go through the adoption process we will be there. Our documentary will only air from the birth mother's point of view. We are not in the business to victimize or demonize any participant, as this is a family friendly network. The documentary tone is heartwarming, light hearted and educational. We encourage all birth mothers/parents who are considering our offer to research our company before making the call to us. We realize this is a very sensitive time in a mother֒s life and making a decision of this nature doesn't come easy. We have no invested interest in the birth parents final decision. Sincerely, Hudsun Media 323-410-7423 [url=http://www.hudsunmedia.com]hud:sun media | entertainment company dedicated to the art of story telling[/url] casting2@hudsunmedia.com

Boulderbabe, I'm currently in the process of trying to get WIC. I just had my doctor, finally, give me the paperwork that said I qualify for that. Thanks for the concern!Ruth, because of the fact that I am under 24 and my mother still claims me on her income tax, I'm considered a dependent and FASFA has to use her tax information and my father's, both of whom apparently make too much for me to be approved for anything when it comes to the government and trying to get help with school. That's why I had to get the scholarship when I was in high school because I knew that was going to be one of the only ways that I was going to be able to go to university. I've hit up food pantries and it seems like they really don't care for a 20 year old going in there for food. Every time I've been to one where I'm staying the food is always expired (I understand it's all donations but when something has mold on it or is a year expired and you're giving it to someone who is pregnant that's not doing too great of a job in trying to help). Also, I don't have a car right now and the closest food bank is way too far for me to walk to. With the agency, we were waiting for them to make a match with the family we selected and just heard back from them. They are going to help pay for food as well as transportation and other needs (i.e. a working cell phone). Rhona, I am currently going to school for social work. I would much rather not have the department of children and families on my doorstep asking me why I can't support my child or even worse, take him from me and place him in a foster system. I understand that I cannot control how this child is going to be raised if I don't raise him myself, but there is no way that I am going to allow myself to put a child through living in a motel and not wondering if I am going to be able to make this week's rent. I'm not going to but him having to go through shelters while I'm trying to get on my feet. No child should have to go through that and I understand that there are mothers that can put their children through that, but I am not strong enough to do that. Yes, this is fault that I got pregnant, but I am not going to take the fault of risking this child's life when it is possible to give him the life that a child should get. If I can make someone else's dream come true of being a parent when I don't believe that I am capible of being one myself, then I would much rather do that. Also, I am positive that there is no one in my family that is willing to help me out. My uncle is currently dying of cancer and my parents are too worried about my brothers to worry too much about me. Not trying to sound like they don't worry about me, because I know they do, but I would lose the support that I do have right now. The only person that is anywhere near to helping me out right now is my father who lives out of state and he's helping me because he knows I'm dependent on his child support to stay in school. I've dropped hints to my family and every time I say something, someone gets ticked off or tells me to stop being selfish because other people need help right now. Does that sound like a family that is willing to help? My bank account has just been overdrafted (for the umpteenth time) and I needed $20 to make sure that I would have a place to stay this week. Not one person in my family was willing to help put the money in the bank for me to make sure that I wasn't going to end up on the street. I've never been on the top of my family's list and never will be and I've learned to accept that as I've gotten older.On another note, the agency finally got in touch with my first choice family, and according to my social worker/birthmother support person, they are extremely happy and excitied that they are finally going to be parents. I get to meet them face-to-face, but I have no idea when that is going to be. Baby is doing good and is in the process of trying to flip himself (he's stuck lying across me rather than up and down lol). I've been trying to stay in good spirits and make sure that I'm not slipping deeper into my depression and for right now I think I'm doing okay. Thank you all for taking the time out to read this and reply back. You guys have been helping me get through this process so much and just knowing that there are people out there that are willing to help and talk to someone and not make them seem like a wh**e because they got pregnant is the best thing that I have going for me.

Setsuna, we moms have to stick together. There are lots and lots of different ways to be a mom, so you have to go with what's right for you. If you're dead set on adoption, than I wish you well and hope you can forge the best of all possible relationships with the Afamily. What's important is that this baby is loved and cared for!

Setsuna- FYI once you have the baby you are considered an independant for financial aide purposes and they will no longer count your parents income when figuring the amount of aide they can offer you. Usually if you have a dependant (your baby) youy can make up to $30,000 a year and still qualify for a full pell grant ($2,500 per semester) plus upwards of $10,000/semester in subsidized Stafford student loans (the goverment pays the interest while you are in school and they don't check your credit to qualify you).

I hope you are doing well!I read earlier on the thread that you were considering a closed adoption because you think it might be too painful to see how your child is growing up. Well, I know that the agency we are working with will start an adoption as closed, if that's what the mother wants... however, if she changes her mind at any point, it can be opened up. That might be an option for you.