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Originally Posted By NicksterMommyHere is where we left off -- message from Cynic: What is selfish is only wanting a healthy, white infant. If you chose to wait years for one to be available while other children went without homes then you did not adopt because you wish to help a child in need of a home. I must disagree with you in trying to compare a couple conceiving more children to those waiting to adopt. They are producing a life that is equally as precious as the ones in foster care. I do not think people should stop trying to have children until all children in foster care have homes. Those that are waiting to adopt because they are incapable of having children, should not wait years for the child that meets their stipulations to become available, they should instead adopt a child in need of a home. Isn't adoption suppose to be about the children?******I think that we will just have to agree to disagree about some things. I do not believe that I was wholly "selfish" in adopting a healthy, white infant. However, I will not also claim that I adopted him solely for his benefit. The decision was for the benefit of many: For Nicholas -- a loving, two-parent home w/a stay-at-home mom and a family who really and truly wanted him. For me, hubby, and extended family --the opportunity to shower our love and affection on a child. I will also agree to disagree with you on my point about "making" a baby versus adopting out of foster care. I still think it is a valid point that, rather than "making" 5 babies, a couple could make 1 or 2 and then adopt out of foster care for any additional children.What I think would be more constructive is to explain -- NOT justify -- but explain the thought process of a first-time parentwannabe and then let you (or anyone else w/knowledge or interest) respond to this explanation. Please let me know where I am misinformed, misguided, or just plain wrong. It would also be helpful to receive positive sources of info, such as books or magazine articles showing that these fears are baseless or blown out of proportion. That being said . . .REASONS FOR AN INFERTILE/FIRST-TIME PARENT FOR CHOOSING TO NOT ADOPT A WAITING CHILD AND INSTEAD WAIT FOR YEARS FOR AN INFANTAgain, let me reiterate that I am NOT trying to JUSTIFY, only to explain . . . In my husband's and my case, we weren't comparing the "cute and cuddly" of a newborn to the less "cute and cuddly" of a teenager. Our concern was more about emotional baggage versus a clean slate. When you adopt an infant, you know that he/she has never been abused, neglected, or abandoned. You are starting with a completely clean slate. When you adopt an older child, he/she has most likely experienced at least one of the abovementioned, and as a result, he/she carries around emotional baggage that will need to be dealt with.I am in no way saying that these older kids don't deserve homes or don't deserve love. I am saying that the new parents are going to need to learn (1) how to parent at all; (2) how to discipline, etc. at the level of the age of that particular child; (3) help the child to learn to trust the new parents; and (4) help the child to learn that he CAN trust again despite his history of being disappointed by parents/caretakers in the past. The media reports all sorts of horror stories, such as kids w/attachment disorders who try to burn down the family house and NEVER attach to the new parents. Considering how the media loves to blow the smallest things out of proportion, I would guess that these stories are not the norm, but I have no basis for comparison. Here is where I am hoping you knowledgeable folks can help me out.So, when it comes down to a choice -- long wait, but infant w/clean slate OR no wait, but risk of getting in over your head, getting a kid who won't respond to your love, etc. -- most Aparents choose the clean slate route. I wouldn't use the word "selfish," but I think a word such as "cowardly" would not be out of place -- I am looking for some word that says I'd rather take the easier route than the greater risks. I don't think any of us Aparents view a healthy, white infant as "better" -- it's just easier. I can see where the statistics could make that hard to believe, though.And one further point -- For us married folks, you are talking about not ONE but TWO people who are willing to take these risks. I would be willing to take the risk, but my husband isn't sure that he could handle it. We have a lot of time to think about it. (Not looking to adopt again anytime soon.) The responses I receive here will help me to get a better handle on my thinking as well as possibly help to convince my husband to take the plunge.When you are not in the shoes of a momwannabe, it makes total logical sense -- you want a kid in your home . . . these kids needs homes . . . what's the problem?? But when you are in the situation and it is your life that you are talking about changing, it isn't so cut and dried.
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Originally Posted By CynicIf you don't want to use the word selfish, then fine. It is clear to me, however, that those that wish to only adopt a child that meets certain criteria, is putting the needs of the adoptive parents first and not the needs of the children first.I see someone that conceives a child as someone that is bringing to life one of God's children. Following that logic, it is not selfish for them to continue having children.
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Originally Posted By NicksterMommyWhat would you say to someone to address the concerns I listed, such as the concern about dealing w/a child's emotional baggage? This isn't just a theoretical question. I mentioned in passing to hubby over the weekend the idea of adopting out of foster care sometime in the future. His initial reaction was what I enumerated here. What is the best way to respond to his concerns? Can anyone help with this?
Originally Posted By CynicAs I'm sure you know, every child will have their own issues, challenges and concerns. You would handle it the same way you would if it were your biological child with the same concerns. This is a terrible scenario, but if you had a biological child that was molested by someone, you would do everything you could to help your child recover. You would probably go buy tons of books, meet with a support group or people in a similar position and talk to professionals. The same goes for any issue with a child. You face the challenges, and they may be difficult, head on just like you would if it were the child that you gave birth to. Your adopted son, just like any other child, will have some concerns in his life and you will probably find ways to deal with those concerns. It may be difficult to help a child in need, but adoption is suppose to be about just that, helping a child in need.
Originally Posted By NicksterMommyVery good point -- an obvious one, and yet I hadn't really thought about it quite like that. I guess when you adopt out of foster care, you would get the history and know what challenges lie ahead. So you would then approach it just like any other challenge. Lightbulb moment -- I think maybe I (and many other wannabes) get tunnel vision. I was overwhelmed with ALL that you COULD have to deal with. But you are right -- we are talking about one or two particular challenges for THIS child, not every challenge for every child. Thanks, Cynic. You have given me some food for thought.
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Originally Posted By NicksterMommy to KariRight back at ya!! I especially enjoyed your post about the apples. I shared it with my sister, who has two bio kids. The oldest is a rising first-grader who goes to a diversified Montessori school. My sister has never used "labels" for races/nationalities/creeds, so my nephew has absolutely no concept of there being differences. Yes, he notices that his friend is "brown" (his word), but he doesn't attach any sort of worth to the differences. He also had a big debate w/mommy over why people would call him "white" because his skin isn't white. (He is so literal, thinking white like Casper the Ghost.) It is amazing how little kids see things so clearly -- that we are all equal -- until the adults come along and muck it all up.
Originally Posted By CPMommyI hate to intrude but I just wanted to point out that no child comes with a clean slate. Prenatal exposures can be more important that after a child is born. Some mental illnesses, and physical problems can't be detected until the child is several months old. Any child adopted or birth comes with some risk of problems. You might try that approach with your husband it worked with mine.You also get to pick which behaviors and issues you are willing to deal with when you go through foster care to adopt older children. You may have to search longer but there are older children that have been in stable foster homes and really want a permanent home. They just need the chance to prove it. Warning - don't push too hard if he doesn't really want to it could damage or destroy your marriage. I've talked to Aparents who split because it came down to the child or the mate. (Most Amothers would choose their child) Tread slowly.One more note that really sold my Husband. we don't have to worry about college tuition. A new law just passed that will pay in-state tuition at any state college for older adopted children, all 4 years. In addition, the government will pay you a subsidy to help with the cost of raising the children until they reach age 19. They are actually going to give us the money to pay for the honor of raising these babies. What more could you ask for?Good Luck
Originally Posted By DeniseI have walked in your shoes. We now have two 3 yr olds form Russia. Young enough to have "repairable damage",but old enough to know they are not "special needs". After 4 years of docs, 1 miscarriage, and totalheatbreak I needed to enjoy becoming a parent. We chose adoption as an answer. Thus we felt we could choose some of the rules. There is no right or wrong adoption, just as far as I am comcerned adoption as well as parenting is not for everyone.There is no reason to explain yourself, or to be defensive over the issue of family. Those of us who can't have a child get easily hurt by those who can, and defensive. After all I do feel gyped and screwed. Then I look at the 2 little boys I have and think - no I wasn't - they were waiting for me.Sorry if I intruded. I found this site and started scrolling. This caught my eye. I went rounds with a sisterinlaw early in our adoption on some of the issues. We have agreed to disagree on some - some others I was right.