Not Telling Child He/She is adopted

My son's aparents were always honest with him about his origins. They took the agency's advice (and this was way back in 1972, mind you) and started telling him "his story" while he was still in his highchair. His mom told me once that she used that time to tell him about me and how much I loved him. He doesn't remember a time when he did not know the truth. I think they handled it beautifully. His mom also told me about how he fully understood that he had another mother out there somewhere when she carried her own biological child four years after adopting DS. He evidently asked her once why she was drinking so much milk, and when she explained to him that growing babies need milk for the bones to be nice and strong, he immediately wanted to know if I had drank my milk when I carried him, lol. LoveAjax, I'm glad the cat's out of the bag, so to speak. Secrets are never healthy for anyone in the world of adoption. I would imagine that your husband's first mother must be in her 70s by now. Isn't she a stroke patient? Strokes can cause all sorts of emotional problems just by themselves. Throw in keeping the fact that you placed two babies for adoption and never told anyone...well, I could see that it would be really difficult for her to deal with it all, especially after 50+ years.

I hate the thought of families not telling their kids! We've been "telling" Peanut since day one...of course he doesn't know what any of it means, but I don't want him to remember one big "talk" when we sat him down and told him...I have a cousin a few years younger than me who was adopted as an infant, and we've always known and she's always known, so we've followed her parents' example. We made Peanut a photo story book they talks about the day he was born and includes his firstmom, the social workers, my getting a text with his picture while I was in the drive thru at McDonalds...and that book is in circulation with his other bedtime story books. Whenever I get a text from his firstmom, I tell him..."I heard from Mama ______ today...she wanted to know how much the pediatrician said you've grown." Again, he doesn't understand the words yet, but right now it's about ME getting into the habit and being comfortable with the subject so that when he DOES understand the words, I'm not sounding awkward or uncomfortable.

Thank you for sharing your experience! It's been a while since I actually read the materials...if you search through the forums, some of my old references to the source information may still be around here, as we used to talk about it a lot. But, citations aside, the general recommendations for revelations like this are, of course, the earlier the better. The outside mark is recommended at between the ages of 7 - 9. The idea is that the basics of all the major things that a child needs to know (their adoption story, sex ed, etc.) should be cemented in their minds before the onset of puberty (lucky me, my son is 9 & well into puberty). It's one thing for details to come through at later times (age appropriateness being a factor, after all) but the foundation needs to be set by then in order to not cause a major disruption to the formation of their identity. Let's face it, adoption adds an added dimension to identity formation and late discovery can be devastating. As a general rule, the earlier a child learns about these things, the easier it is for them to incorporate it into their internal story of who they are. The basic idea is for there to not be a huge revelation, but for it to have always been their normal.

Thank you, Dickons and Raven. Well, what happened was DH's bio nieces found his bsis (adopted) by searching google randomly. And I think it was through this site they found her! In any event, they had some sort of "awful" news about their dad (DH's half-bro) who had been abused by his bio father...and that his dd had been (allegedly) sexually abused by his step father (the father of DH's youngest bio sib who apparently doesn't know about DH and his adopted sis). Bmom has been estranged from this son and another for over 20 years. Another bio sis had died (not sure of whether she had contact with her mom or not). These girls enlisted their mom to help tell their dad...and apparently he is taking the news very hard. What a mess. The good news is that DH and his also-adopted sis are on the same page and support each other...I am glad he has found her. I have no idea how this will play out, but for now they think it is better to wait and see how things develop before contacting any other sibs. My life is so boring and this feels so Jerry Springerish to me....feel sad for the other kids.

Loveajax - that is really complicated...really...but after all sorts itself out - perhaps a new sibling relationship can start - who knows if they will meld or not. It would be interesting to be the fly on the wall at thanksgiving. Secrets always come out though don't they - especially with the internet. Looking back at my searching the personal column in the local paper on my birthday for a cryptic message seems so bizarre now days with the internet where people sometimes just randomly google their name and find out they were adopted. I forgot to add in my comment that my sibs (kept) didn't react well at all - the only ones who weren't welcoming - and weren't at the runion - go figure. D

Thanks, Dickons. The internet is amazing...when I see pix of DH's youngest (kept) sib, I keep thinking...my gosh, they HAVE to be full biological brothers. They are alike...looking...activities...seemingly personality, etc. I really would like to have contact with him, BUT he lives with DH's bmom half the year. I think it would be easier for DH to reach out to him otherwise. This all brings up some issues in our own OA (where DD's bps have not told thier kept kids DD was adopted), and I feel now I need to be more "forceful" about encouraging the truth. I think I have said this before but my adoption issues have issues! I am sorry your sibs were resistant to reunion...it is so hard to understand all this stuff.

It is what it is - one came around but...whatever...I do think it was because they were kept in the dark. You can always keep the conversation going - you don't need to be mean but more forceful can't hurt - eventually they will figure it out and then...:mad: D

This is what we've done as well. I imagine some day they will look back & never remember a time when they didn't know. They still don't really understandI keep waiting for questions from Julia but she just accepts what she knows and doesn't press for more. I can tell that she's processing, though; I imagine the next time someone we know is pregnant, she'll start making connections and asking more questions. I think it is easier this way, for everyone. (I can't speak for adoptees, of course. I imagine it must be easier in the long run to have the fact of one's adoption be always a part of one's story, rather than being sat down & told about it formally at some point, but of course I don't know for sure.) But as a parent, I can't imagine how I would even begin that conversation, if I hadn't already been having it all along. I don't even know where I would start.

Just playing devil's advocate here, but for everyone who is posting about "not lying" and "not keeping secrets" and how it is harmful when the kid finally finds out: Question for you: Did you not tell your kids that there is a Santa Claus or Easter Bunny? If you did, weren't they upset that you lied to them all those years?

Actually - I don't remember ever thinking that Santa Claus real - it was just part of the "lore" or "story" of Christmas. We got presents (one opened the night before and either the rest the next morning or after dinner the next day) and a stocking (and were told what grandma put in mom's stocking during the depression) so it made us feel like we struck gold... I was never told the Easter Bunny was real - we were the ones who colored the eggs and mom would hide them - it was a game. Kind regards,Dickons

If a secret is not mine to tell, it is not mine to keep either. I don't keep other people's secrets. Everyone in my family and all my friends know that. Families and friendships have been destroyed by secrets kept as well (and I would say that even the families and friendships destroyed by the secrets being told, the problem traces back to the secret being kept rather than being told). As a therapist I do keep people's confidentiality. And I am willing to be a confidential ear for a friend, but that is different from keeping a secret. I firmly believe that secrets are toxic. If someone can't deal with that style of relating, they don't need to be in my life. In fact, they would probably prefer not to be. In response to the post about the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, I think that's entirely different. Those are not lies, they are fairy tales. Stories, magic, etc - those are important parts of childhood. It's different than hiding something from a person about who she/ he is. It's not necessary for a person to now everytihng bout everything and everyone, but it is important for everyone to know everything available about themselves.

I think keeping a secret can be different than lending a confidential ear, but the two are not mutually exclusive. If a married friend confides that she had a fling, should I tell her husband because that's the right thing to do or should I let *them* work out the issues in their marriage? On the other hand, if she killed someone, would I keep that secret? Of course not. If I saw her husband cheating, would I run and tell her? Um, no, but I would certainly confront him with a threat that would entice him to tell her. I used to feel like you, but now I think that life is much too complex to be black and white. Each situation needs to be measured on it's on and each individual needs to make decisions according to what's right for them. If the same friend chose to not tell her child he/she was adopted (or had different father or was an egg donation), would I tell? Absolutely not. I know there are some here that think this is the most egregious of sins, but I have a really difficult time justifying the fallout from making someone live my version (or your version, or someone else's version) of "right". Actions have consequences and ultimately, when it comes out (and it usually does), they can deal with the fallout then. I guess all our differences are what makes the world (and this board) go around ;)

I do remember thinking Santa was real. I remember when I found out he wasn't. I was sad because a piece of magic around Christmas was gone. I was never angry at my parents because believing in Santa had been a good thing. Just looking at a picture of Santa can still bring back some of the magic and I LOVE Christmas. I think the fact that I remember believing in the magic of Santa is one of the reasons I still love it so much. It was all good. I never really thought of it as a lie (although technically it was). I never thought there was anything wrong with them telling me Santa was real. It was like we had played a fun game. It was sad to find out it wasn't real but not traumatic. Santa and the Easter Bunny are fun fairy tales. This isn't at all like hiding from a child the fact that they are adopted. If instead of being told Santa wasn't real I had been told that I was adopted I would have had a completely different reaction. It's just not the same thing.

She is still young but, in my opinion, you shouldn't put it off for too much longer. Frankly, I was nervous to start talking about it but I found that it got easier and easier to talk about the more I did it. I also made a book that told her adoption story. I think my daughter was between three and four when I first started talking about her adoption.

I am totally confused. Why in the world would you adopt a child in the first place if you intended to turn around and tell them that actually their last name is not their last name. Seems a$$ backwards. I was told I was adopted by my (adoptive?) dad. My mom is my biological mom, but had me when she was 16. Biological dad was never in the picture, I call my adoptive dad as "dad" and biological as biological.. I remember pretty vividly the scenery around me and how it took place, my mom and dad sat me down in the living room, age 4, and told me my dad is not my real dad. Who is deciding that it is such a great idea to tell the children? The children or people who have never been through it? Makes absolutely no sense to go give a child your last name only to turn around and throw a curve ball in their life by telling them actually they have two last names. If your stepping up to the plate, step up. By adopting a child and giving them your last name you are that child’s parents. I do not remember much of my elementary years, parts here and there but only minimal. I do remember praying a lot, maybe every night for I am not sure which elementary grades, that I would not wake up. I would try to smother a pillow over my face, I would pray to die and I would pray a lot that I did not care whether I was happy or not I just wanted to make others happy. I am not sure if it is different when both parents are adopting, but I do not see the point of adopting a child, giving them your last name, and turning around and telling them you were just joking. Childhood years are some important ones and an idea like that to think about through those years can have catastrophic effects. I wish I would have never been told. I wish my parents would have put the fear of God into anybody else saying if they told me they would be sorry. It is nobody's business to tell another person’s kid they are adopted, should be manageable. I am 29 now, have grown through the odd elementary years, am told I once had a great relationship with my dad (probably before 4 years old, surprised?) but today and for as long as I can remember we never have gotten along. When they had told me at 4 is when my brother was just being born or pregnancy. The relationship between him and my dad is a complete 180 of ours, and it is even harder knowing why. In a way, I can understand it, but wonder what it would have been like if we could've all just went along with the one whole happy family idea as we all had the same last names. I have never met my biological father more than once for about 5 minutes when I went to his business at age 17. I was only curious as to what he looked like, if there is any history of crazy health problems, and just because I had known. I still do not know if there is any history of crazy health problems, have not talked with him to fulfill any void broke open by telling me at age 4, and have terrible relationship issues with my dad now, I do not know if it is because I am adopted or if it is because of the fact he knows I know and I know he knows. I think if you are adopting a kid you need to take the entire plate and not have the fall back plan of the fact that they are actually adopted, and they know it.