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Well here I go with our situation: We began our journey to adopt thur our county 2yrs ago & we have 3 biological kiddos11,13,15 ...We were matched this pass March with a beautiful 6yr old girl We all feel in love with her the minute we seen her..We had no problem with her attachment and things moved forward but her Previous Foster mom whom had her for the past 2 1/2 decided that she wanted to adopt her after 2mth of being with us...long story short and alot of dumb mistakes on SW part we had to give her back to her Foster mom..:( Very devestating..
Part 2 which brings me here: 2mths later in June are worker matched us with a sister sib set...E-5 & A-3....We went forward with visitation and in July E&A moved in with us...here is there situation they were removed from there Bio parents when E was 3 & A-was 1-for neglect after an ongoing CPS case..then they went to there 1st foster home 2mth,2nd foster home 2mths,3rd home prospected adoptive home 8mths-taking out for physical abuse,4th home foster parents 3mths, now us....not to mention 3x's durning that time they had 3 different SW of course we knew about the many homes but they had no record of any emotional, physical or mental problems at that time. We knew that there might be some issues that could arise due to the physical abuse...
After a few weeks of visiting the girls I had express to our SW that I was alittle concerned because I wasnt feeling an attachment with the girls..she assured me that this is quit normal due to our previous situation and that it could take some time...Moving forward acouple of days into moving in with us we began to experience some different situations with E she pushed her sister down our stairs..(Thank goodness no serious ingurys)...she darted into the middle of the street out of nowhere just let go of my hand and ran for it....yikes!!a(gain thank goodness no cars)..when we had to redirect her for any reason she would completely shut down run to a corner curl up and stay there any where from 30min upto hrs...we tryed talking to her nothing..after the 2nd week we would just talk often about feeling and how important it is to let us know how shes feeling..sad,mad,happy ect..she began to tell us @ time and we were able to stop her from runing into a corner and curling up by tell her she can only do time in sitting with us..that lasted for awhile..At first we thought that these thing were just age related problem along with issues due to abuse and everyting being so new...We are now 3mths into this A-has had a perfectly fine attachment has bonded well with everyone..E has progressed into tantrum fits(crys as loud as she can and very forced) that last however long she wants them to last..., she has hit and kicked DH,she has tryed to open the car down while driving,antagonizes the other children to no end,wants to be the center of attention always, caught her masturbating, nail biter along with the skin around her nails,throws the meanest dirty looks..if looks could kill we would all dead...and these things happen on a daily basis...and what really got us flipping out is she only does this at home...everywhere else she is an Angel for the most part....
Well, 2 weeks ago I called our SW crying I told her some new problem that had began along with the old she already knew about...I told her E needs counseling/therapy bad that something isn't right..(she began to tell me that there county kids are good at trying to make the parents feel what there feeling and to hang on)....Really I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on I care tremendously about both of them but I'm not sure I love E-enough to go on..(I know this probably sounds mean),Dh is and has been supportive but he feels the same way as he is gone 60% of the time:cop: , Our bio kids are trying hard but they are not sure about this either and have expressed that they dont like her very much and A-doesnt really enjoy her company very much.:(
We have had to put E in all day daycare just to get a breather and try to figure things out...this week was the first week and as mean as it sounds it felt good not having her around...we know that this is just a bandaid on a open sour but for the time being I had to do it for my sanity...:grr:
Mean while we are waiting for a referral to a therapist who does play therpy to find out what the problem is..I did some research of my own and came across RAD...after reading about it and the symptoms I was left speechless she has so many of these symtoms....After talking to a friend about these issues and what I thought, she referred me here..its kinda nice to know that its not us going insane but at the same time scary because reading all of these treads I'm not sure if We/I'm ready to take it on.....I am concerned that I can make things worst for everyone...:sick:
Sorry so long and thanks for reading....
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Ask for a psych evaluation to be done by someone with adoption and attachment experience. A play therapist cannot help you.
Start rocking her in the morning and again at night for at least 30 minutes(she may fight you, do it anyway)
Remember when she's acting out that she's a terrified little girl who doesn't understand what's going on in her life and certainly expects you to be a termporary parent.
Hope you can get some answers
I don't have much to add, although we have certainly been there. You are not crazy! Don't feel guilty about the child care - your whole family needs a break. This lifestyle wears you down.It does sound like RAD, or attachment challenges of some degree. Both our children have attachment issues, and boy have we been through therapists. It wasn't until we got a therapist who specialized in attachment that things started to turn around. There is an attachment organization that has a Web page where you can look for therapists certified in attachment - that's how we found ours. PM me if you can't find this and I will set aside some time to search it out.Get some therapy for yourself, too. It helps to talk.The one thing that has helped me during the rages is - like Lucy says - to remember that she is a scared little girl who needs you. When I picture her in a dirty diaper, no one feeding her or picking her up as an infant, I handle her anger a little better.I hope this helps. The main thing to know is you are not nuts and you are not alone.
Sorry to hear that you're still waiting and things haven't gotten better. I hope you at least have one or two of the books recommended for RAD parents to read ("When Love is Not Enough" and "Parenting With Love and Logic" are good for starters). They at least give you a place to start in making the adjustments to your parenting style. Effective parenting of a RAD kid is almost the exact opposite of parenting a child without attachment issues -- and it really helps to know when to ignore the advice of well meaning friends and family who haven't got a clue. Whenever you need extra support from someone who's been there, we're here for you. :grouphug:
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Go to attachment.org A lot of great info there. Our children came to us at 4 and 2 both with RAD. Sounds like your daughter has an AD/RAD (pushing everyone's buttons) and impulse control issues. I've been there with the running off and tantrums. Our DD would barely flinch if stung or cut, but have a 30 minute tantrum if someone barely bumped her. It's a control issue and part of the RAD. We found a GREAT attachment therapist that worked not only with our children, but us as parents. Be sure to research to find one in your area. A therapist with 'attachment hours' or 'training' is not enough. Find one that specializes in it.
Both of my children are now healthy, happy, and attached. It is a long, hard road. Stay consistant, and celebrate the small victorities. It will be sooo worth it.
your situation sounds almost identical to what our friends were going through. I pointed them into the RAD direction, they found an attachment therapist but the mom couldn't do the attachment therapy, she really resented the 5 yr old. I called the sw and told them things were going south. We had been doing respite care. Long story short we now have the 5 yr old, they left the younger sib with the adoptive family (our friends). I'm not sure if I agree with the split but... I had done enough research on RAD and such that the nurse in me wanted to try and make life better for this 5 yr old. The anger towards her by all the other family members in the house was palpable. Now I'm left to try and answer all the hard questions. What is really hard is that I can't even promise her permanancy, the state adoption worker is reluctant to split them. The sib that we have picked up PTSD and DID and a bit of a rap sheet stating she's a bad influence on her younger sibling. They did a classic mistake by having me babysit her in the beginning. I was introduced as her Aunt so she attached to me and took all her anger out on MOM. I have insisted that I remain the Aunt. When she asked to call me mom I just said hey you haven't had much luck with mom's and Aunts can love you just as much as mom's can. I've started the rocking and holding her. When we are at home I keep her with me constantly. When she was being sent to her room in the other house she started to disassociate. I haven't seen it since she's been with us but I make sure we are glued at the hip when I'm not at work. It's exhausting but I am getting much more eye contact and a lot of hugs. Honestly I wish I had a therapist on speed dial, the questions that have come up from this failed placement are heart wrenching. I love this little kid, today she finally hit a breaking point since moving in with us, she was sobbing for 30 minutes over a crayon. I held her and rocked her the whole time. I was sobbing as well. I told her I thought we were crying over more than a crayon, that i knew her heart hurt and my heart was hurting for her as well.