Nature vs Nurture?

I was surprised when I met D to discover how much more of a role "nature" played than I expected. He had gestures that reminded my (and my DH) of his bdad (who died in 2000 and who he'll never meet). His personality is much more like mine than his aparents. Some things are hard to determine, because the background and values systems of his adoptive family are similar to my own. It's been fascinating over the last five years to try to figure out the nature/nurture balance.

When I was first reunited with my son, I was totally blown away by all the physical similarities, as well as the personality traits we share. Little things that I had no idea could have a genetic basis were present, like the little quirk in how we both walk (it's kind of a little bounce). Nobody else in my family walks like I do, and yet my son does...it kind of tripped me out. When we go to a restaurant, we usually end up ordering the same food...after studying the menu in the same manner. He has the sames like's and dislike's that I do as far as food is concerned. What's kind of strange is how we often prefer the same brands of products, the same music, the same artwork, the same authors...and the list goes on and on. As he's gotten older, I see more of his natural father coming out in him. They've always shared the same smile...actually a grin...and many of the same facial expressions, especially when they're amused or angry. My son also has always had his father's fascination with heavy machinery, and he also has the same genius when it comes to mechanics. When he was young, he drove commercial trucks, just like his bdad did. After driving trucks for a couple years, he gravitated toward the healthcare field, just like me. He prefers working the high-risk areas, like the OR, ICU, and ER...which is exactly where I was most comfortable during my hospital years. I think the one thing I enjoy the most about our similarities is our shared sense of humor...which we both ultimately inherited from my own father, who most likely got it from his parents. He's sharp as a tack, very witty, and can keep a straight face while pulling your leg. We often start laughing by just looking at each other.

IMO, one of the most enjoyable things about reunion is finding the similarities. I walk just like my Bdad. Before I even knew him, my friends noticed my walk as different. One friend dubbed it a "cowboy" walk, or in my case, cowgirl. We all chalked it up to all the time I spent in the saddle and on the backs of horses. Little did I know it was really the P walk, which is funny because no one in my Bdad's family is into horses, rides them, or even really likes them, and my Bdad was a bit afraid of my horses the first time he was around them. The way we talk, phrase things, along with other mannerisms used when talking, totally my Bdad's family. I noticed not only the similarity with my Bdad but his brothers. One of the most surprising was my Bdad's favorite movie was the exact same as mine. The surprising part was that the movie wasn't exactly a block buster, "The Man From Snowy River", and "The Man From Snowy River 2". Not many people had ever heard of the first one, much less the second. We both had them on video. The softnes in the tone of our voices, and a gentleness in our manner, and a quiet demeanor. From my Bmom's side, a tenacity that everyone, due to their own life circumstances, uses in a different way, but still it'ss determination and strength that is there even though some use it to hang on to things that hold them back from healing. My maternal family is a family of survivors,and has been for generations. We are all independant, and enjoy our "alone" time, actually need that alone time. All my female cousins, and my grandmother adore horses. We all enjoy gardening as well. Cooking in this family is an art form, and even if it isn't my favorite thing, I on occasion, enjoy creating dishes of my own too. I have my father's hair, eyes, and facial features. I have my mother's hands, feet, and legs that go from hear to eternity, even for a short person. Both families are intelligent, moderately athletic, love music, dancingg, reading, and are fully capable of thinking, reasoning, and coming to their own conclusions and opinions, and have no trouble speaking those opinions and thoughts, thogh my generation is tons more open, vocal, and willing to talk about the ugly stuff. Solving the problems of the world is a popular past time at all my maternal family gatherings. My paternal family is quite active in politics as well. I could probably go on, but I think you get the idea. It took a long time to see through the issues, and effects, my adoption had on not just me but my birth families, to see the good things about it all. None of us are perfect, but we sure are a lot alike in many ways.

Nature cannot be denied... I look at pictures of my other family and I see a part of myself in every person. I look at pictures of my family and see parts of mom and dad in every other person within their own family trees to the point of being surreal. I look like a combination of my mother and father. My mom mistook a picture I showed her of my mother for me. We had the same hands and handwriting. We had the same love of gardening and favorite flower. We had the same personality traits. We never met after I was born...so many coincidences that cannot be explained away that I am unwilling to share... Kind regards,Dickons

Brown, I see it everytime I see Supergirl. There was something she did when she was younger and talking to biker boy he and his son did the same thing. I come from a musical family. Amom has told me that they do not and Supergirl is awesome at music. Her instructor has said as much. There is more, much more but those are just a few. Seems they are nuturing her nature.

I knew without a doubt who my dh's bmom was the second we walked into the room. She was sitting with several other similar aged women with white hair but it was just crystal clear! They have similar lilts to their voice and the way they speak too, along with hand gestures. I look at my kids and see things that have got to be nature because there is no way it came from me. And no, not all of it is the "bad stuff";) (sorry, couldn't resist cuz I'm evil like that) LOL!What's really interesting too is seeing how the traits "assigned" themselves to which kid. My 2 brown eyed kids are sooo similar in temperment & personality and so are my 2 blue eyed kids. The 2 brown eyes are excellent in math whereas the 2 blue eyes while good in math, excel far more in science & problem solving real life situations. The brown eyes are much more creative and have a flair for drama. My middle son (blue) did surprise us this quarter though by thoroughly enjoying and excelling in his drama class at school. He wanted nothing to do with it but had to take it (school requirement) and turns out he LOVED it. So there's a bit of a cross over in things too.It'll be really interesting to see where it all comes from some day. Hopefully dh & I will nurture their natural talents right! Although I do confess we've made pranksters out of all of them and uhm...that is SO clearly dh's fault.;)

Haha Crick, thanks for sharing your experiences with this from TWO sides! :) I think with me I'm hesitant in a way to assign any of Cupcake's (albeit 4 year old) "talents" to me. She's very musical and my Father's a professional musician and I've always been quite musical. So I don't know....maybe. Or maybe it's her Mom encouraging her or her school that I know has a musical focus, or maybe it's dumb luck. It's too soon to tell, and maybe I never will. BUT, when we're playing at the park and I say something she deems silly and she looks at me with this big ol' eyes carrying a heavy sarcastic look to them? I think, "oh no....I definitely know where she got THAT from!" For me, it's the mannerisms, the bizarre similarities, that seem the most profound to me when thinking about nature. And they're pretty freaking awesome whenever you discover one!

Crik - making them pranksters and drama class seem pretty much a clear fit... I think we as a community are more aware/interested in the nature vs nurture than john q public. Hubby does not see himself in his siblings at all but all you have to do is look at them together and its obvious...features, mannerisms, voices... Awareness of the nature component because of the differences allows for the best of the nurture component to shine and perhaps we benefit because of the very nature of adoption. D

Crick, I am one of four; we can also be divided into two subgroups although we all have blue eyes. The older of my two brothers and I share more the same personality and interests. We are both more interested in the arts (I taught music; he works at the Phila Museum of Art.) I am an ordained Lutheran pastor and he is a ruling elder in the Presbyterian Church (PCA). My younger sister and my younger brother are both in the medical field: she's a nurse, he's a doctor. Nature/nurture has always been something that interested me even before D and I connected.

Physically, I am JUST LIKE my natural father. Which is a little sad because he is the epitome of the "manly man". I guess I'm the feminine version of him? Thats what I like to think hahaha. I am emotional and sensitive and artistic like my first mother. We have the same deep, almost brooding way of thinking. I see some of her in my facial shape- something about my cheekbones and the set of my eyes. I have a mean streak just like my paternal grandmother. I am also pretty sure I will look just like her when I am 70 years old. I'm also blonde, just like her. As far as my likes and dislikes? I love to sing just like my biological sister and adoptive mother. I love to read just like my natural mother and adoptive parents. Values wise... I definitely see very little of my birthfamily. My birthfamily are rigid protestants or bible thumping baptists (depending on which side you are looking at), whereas my adoptive parents are both essentially atheists. I LOVE school and academics. I religiously read "Ancient Greece at the Time of Pericles" before I go to bed at night. My first parents both admit to not liking school. When they were asked to write about their scholastic talents on some of the adoption questionnaire (before I was born) my biodad wrote that he never really liked school, and my natural mother wrote "I was more of a dreamer". I am not sure my birthsister has ever read anything that she wasn't absolutely forced to, and she certainly doesn't like school. Value systems and interests definitely come from my adoptive family. But of course...both families will insist that everything comes from them :)

I would have sworn nature would have very little to do with anything before reunion. I am not a spitting image of my bmom, but our mannerisms, sense of humor, habits etc... are dead on. I am amazed every time I see it. Her friends comment on it, my friends comment on it, it's really rather cool.