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My wife and I are in disagreement over if, when how to allow visits with birth mom. We adopted our little girl when she was about 1 year old from foster care. BM was teen, dropout, dad is in prison...not the model mom. Failed to complete court ordered requirements so child was taken away. We told her at the adoption that we would be willing to allow occaisional visits (no legal doc) hoping that as she matured she would turn her life around. Her situation has not improved and she has had 2 more children by 2 different men and is currently living with a 3rd. Daughter just turned 6. BM contacted us and would like to arrange visit so that she can meet her brothers and see her daughter. She hasn't seen her BM in several years. My wife is opposed to the visit given the BM's lifestyle and her insisting on our daughter calling her mom. She is concerned that it will be confusing for her. She is well adjusting, doing well in school, etc. We don't want to do anything to spoil her progress. Any advise?
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Well, this is not my area, but the "insisting that your daughter call her mom" would be my red flag. I would not approve of that either. What if you and your wife meet with her first at a restaurant or something to talk through it, and come to agreement on who will be at the visit, what everyone will be called, etc. first. Then you can make a better determination if a visit is a good idea. If you did meet, I would do it in a neutral location, like a park, so that you can leave if you feel you need to.
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I agree with Kay. I would meet a neatral location to talk to her and discuss you expectations on having a visit with your daughter. Since your daughter hasn;t seen her in a few years it is a lot for to expext for her to be reunited with her bmom and then meet siblings on top of this. If anything she needs to reestablish her relationship with your daughter first and go from there. Also make sure you address the issue of her expecting your daughter to call her mom establish a name that is still special but not mom. Good luck!