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I was recently found by my only full-blooded birth brother. He was raised by our b-mother but I was given up for adoption at birth. We feel an amazing connection and both just want to talk, text, email and visit as much as humanly possible. It has been wonderful, but I know it is hard on our spouses despite our best efforts.
I guess I'm just wondering - how much time spent on each other is "acceptable"? After 37 years apart, we have a lot of catching up to do, but it can't be at the expense of our families. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help our marriages survive this?
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First of all, let me welcome you to the forums! This is a great place to get to know others who have walked in your shoes.
Second of all, congratulations on being reunited with your brother! It sounds like the two of you share a lot of similarities, something that's really common in reunion.
Have your read much on reunion? A lot of people compare it to a roller-coaster ride, with lots of up's and down's. What you're going through right now sounds like what we call the "honeymoon period." Everything is exciting and new, a lot like a new romance. Eventually you'll find your stride, and things will settle down.
Personally, I think it's really important to involve your spouse(s) in the new relationship, otherwise jealousy can creep in. Can the four of you do something together, such as going out to restaurants or taking a trip to the beach? When talking to your brother, tell him to give your regards to his wife, ask about her if she answers the phone...get to know her too. When sending Xmas cards and gifts, be sure to include her. If your spouses don't feel like you two are isolating them, things will go smoother.
I hope you stay around the forums...we're a pretty nice bunch of people! :loveyou:
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Thanks so much for your response! I haven't done much reading up on adoption until just recently but this seems like a really great forum.
We have been including our spouses. In fact, when we have visited it has been with our whole families. I don't think we've spent more than a few hours together just the two of us. And I have been developing a relationship with his wife as well. I usually talk and/or text with her at least once a day. The little issues that are popping up don't seem to be from feeling left out when we see each other, it's in regards to how much time we are spending talking to/thinking about/talking about each other, etc. Even though they are supportive, I know our spouses feel like we are obssessed, and I guess we are. I know we won't be like this forever, I guess I am just wondering if it's OK to be obssessed for now or if we need to try and tone it back. I just don't know what is normal or how best to proceed. What I really want is for the world to stop turning so I can soak him up for a bit, then get back to my regularly scheduled life, but that's not going to happen is it??? ;-)
DMBsister
I am just wondering if it's OK to be obssessed for now or if we need to try and tone it back. I just don't know what is normal or how best to proceed.
Another good article, which can be found here on A.com, is "Reunion socialization". Also, you might want to read up on the "stages" of reunion. Information on that can also be found here on A.com.
Something a very wise member of the boards used to emphasize: Remember, you now have the rest of your lives to build a relationship. Good luck, and welcome to the forum.
I'm reunited 11yrs. My wife went along with for the first 2 or 3 years. After 11yrs...we're not divorced. She wasn't adopted and never could fully understand what it all meant to me. Its hard to be overwhelmed and want contact all the time in the beginning. Over the years....it just took us in seperate directions. I recommend therapy together earliy on....some we did not do.
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