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I'm an adult adoptee. In the '90's I conducted a search for my bmom, and found her, but she has not wanted contact. What she said is that I could write to her if I wanted, but she wasn't sure she would ever write back. Every few years I send a Christmas card with a few notes about where I am and what I'm doing. Like she said, she has not written back. I now have two daughters (who I gave birth to). My oldest (age 11) started to ask about my birth mom a few years back. I let her know what I know, and she was ok with that until recently. Recently she suggested that maybe if my bmom knew I had children she'd feel differently and want to see us. I told her that she did know I had children, that she said I could write and so I have done that.Now, the question that breaks my heart... "Why wouldn't she want to see us (my daughters)?" My daughter has even suggested that she might like to send my bmom something...a letter, card, picture...even a gift. I told her, "You have to know that she probably won't write back." She hasn't brought it up again.Have any other adult adoptees gone through this with their children? The lines that soothed me at that age just don't seem appropriate (she was a good person but just couldn't take care of you, blah blah blah...). It's like my daughter is dealing with second rejection first.
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That's a tough position to be in and I have NO experience but my thoughts are that while we could understand how society was back then your daughter can't because of how much society has changed. The only thing I can think of is to get Ann Fesslers book The Girls Who Went Away so that she can start to understand just how much society played a role in both the surrendering and then the denial it ever happened. Have you considered writing a letter to your mother about the fact that they want to meet her? Kind regards,Dickons
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I have considered it. I'm scared, of course. It has occurred to me that I would do this without telling my daughter, so that if my bmom doesn't respond (or responds negatively) my daughter would be shielded from the hurt. But I also realize that the shield is only temporary...if my daughter ever asks me about it, I couldn't lie to her. And if she decides to contact her herself when she's old enough, she'll discover it anyway.Maybe I shouldn't be worrying that far ahead. But having gone through this myself, I know what is possibly in store for my daughter. I have also tried to explain to my daughter what would have been going on when I was born in the '70s. She's compassionate and sensitive beyond her years, and I think she does understand something of my bmom's pain. At the same time, there are definitely complexities she can't understand yet. Things like "forgiveness" seem like simple things to her. While I think she understands a bit of my bmom's pain, she doesn't understand why she isn't healed from it after almost 40 years. To her, that's a few times longer than her life, and she's only experienced pain and healing in the short-term.
Perhaps Raven will see this thread and could provide some words from her converstations with mothers who can't that will help your daughter understand better - although it is hard for me to understand at times... I do understand how scary it is and the need not to lie...rock and a hard place. Kind regards,Dickons
Hard for kids who are raised in a loving home, to understand making a baby does not a parent make. This bio made her choice years ago, sounds prepared to follow through with it to the end. I guess try to help your dtr understand a birth connection isn't necessarily an emotional connection. Try to help her to not take the rejection personally.
As a birthmother of a son born in the early 70's, your bmom's attitude is foreign to me. I can only tell you that, although we may share alot, every bmom's experience is unique to that person. Some women stuff everything away so deeply that they never deal with it. Trust me, as a bmom in the 70's, there was lots of shame to go around, some external, some internal. For some it's a secret that was never shared with even their husbands, let alone subsequent children. I personally have never been good at keeping secrets! Since I connected with my bson over 5 years ago, it's definitely not hidden from anyone! My joy right now is that his children are now calling me Nana Kathy. I feel sorrow for you, your daughters and your bmom that she can't open herself to a relationship with you. Love is something that multiplies! I could come up with many possibilities for why your bmom doesn't respond your notes, etc. My advice is to keep the door open. Tell bmom what your daughter said. I think she needs to know. Just tell your daughter that there's always hope as long as she doesn't tell you to stop contacting her.
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