Not being told my Bio-Dad's identity

Hi! I was here quite a bit five years ago but dropped off and out for a while. I, too, got to know my birthmother through here. We had a good relationship for a while, until my mom died. I think she misconstrude what I was wanting from her, but that is neither here nor there, things happen for a reason. She would not reveal to me either who my birthfather was, and because of our relationship, I respected that. Now that I have had time to sit back and look at all of this, let it digest and move on, my perspective has changed. You have EVERY right to know who you are and where you came from. While I respect what a birthmother has gone through and I cannot fully understand as I have never been in their shoes, no one other than an adoptee can understand that feeling of not quite fitting. I loved my parents more than anything in the world, and especially after everything fell apart and SOOOO thankful to God that I was placed and placed with the best parents in the world. I never persued my birthfather because my respect and love for my birthmother. But by worrying about her feelings so much, I denied my own. I know, that sounds selfish, especially when someone did so much to have me and make sure I had a good life, but how selfish is it to not let someone know who they are, the good, bad and ugly of it all. I was told that I was not conceived under good circumstances and her pregnancy was not a happy one. And I'm sorry for that, but in no way was that MY fault. I felt so bad for how her life went by getting pregnant with me. (Not that she had a bad life, she went on to have two daughter's of her own and has had a nice life) It was crazy!!! I would look. Right now I am too burned out to look. My bmom called me not long after my mom died and blasted me. I am not one for confrontation so I just kind of stood there and took it. To twist things that my mom said to fit her point, after my mom was dead and could not defend or clarify her point, that's just wrong!!! You desreve to know and you have every right to know. I don't think it is being selfish in wanting to know, I think it is selfish in not allowing a person to become a whole person, warts and all. You and only you can decide if you want to search for him and you have to decide that if you choose that path are you able to let go of the relationship with your birthmother, because she may not be able to handle it. I wish I had an easy answer for you. I used to think closed adoptions were a good thing, long story, but I did believe it. I feel a semi-open is the best way to go, that way there are no sudden surprises in anyone's life. I do know this, you are not alone in having birth mothers refuse to share bio dad info. Best Wishes,Carolyn

Did your mother actually say that she fears you will have a better relationship with him? I think you have the right to know, especially if something like that is said. That statement hints at the fact that he loves you and probably would love to meet you now and see how much you have grown up. I am sure he has questions too and to deprive both sides of that feels wrong to me and I am very sorry you have to go through this.

This is a common fear, however, by not providing you with your birthfather's name, she has essentially jeapordized her relationship with you. I know it's not easy for her (and can honestly relate to being very uncomfortable around the birthfather issue), and when these anxieties and fears come into play, they can be very powerful and all-encompassing, even if they make no rational sense. Are you still in communication with your birthmother? I wish she could just give you his name. She doesn't need to know the details of your relationship with your birthfather if she'd rather stay out of it. If she has no information about your relationship (which is a completely separate relationship) she cannot compare it with hers and yours to determine whether you like him better anyway. I'm assuming you've already reassured her around this and still haven't gotten anywhere.

Don't be angry with her. It is possible Birth dad is a well known married man in that town and she is only keeping a promise to protect him from scandal and/or divorce. If you now know when and where you were born, there are other ways. Now that you know what your name was at birth, the town hall there may have the record, but you may have trouble getting them to release them to you. The hospital, will also have a record. If there is a local paper, it may also have a birth announcement section that may be helpful. If you were christened, the church or minister will have a record. But none of them may have Bdad's name. If you live anywhere near where you were born, finding out on your own should not be that difficult. Try to get something from her, in writing identifying you as her daughter. That could be a big help in getting more information from town hall or the hospital. If she is trying to protect him, she may never have identified him to anybody. She may tell you more after she becomes confident you will not do anything to hurt him, like showing up on his doorstep. Stop and think how hard it has been for Bmom to keep her secret(s).

There are of course many reasons she might choose not to share, fear of the relationship may not be the only one. It may has something to do with the way you were conceived, or your bfather's support or lack of it, etc. Unfortunately many bmoms have learned to stuff the past way in the back of their minds. They never really dealt with the emotional baggage. They tried to do what they were told... get on with their lives. She may be jealous of anyone else spending time with your since there's so much time to "make up." All that said, I firmly believe that adoptees have the right to information about their heritage. Personally, I remained friends with bson's bdad; I asked him once what he wanted me to do if D ever contacted me and wanted to meet him. He said he would let me decide. Unfortunately he died before D and I had contact. I have shared information with D and he has been in contact with his 1/2 brother. I do think you have a decision to make. I agree you have the right to know who your bdad is. The question is are you will to possibly have the contact with your bmom end because she won't tell you? I agree with Oldtimer that I would do an endrun around her and try to find out in other ways.

Is it possible that your birthmother doesn't know who the father is and is too ashamed to say that?

peachy- Why would you say something like that?

Because what I said is a possible reason that the OPs birth mother would not tell her who her birth father is. She could very well not know and it may be too painful for her to say that.

That's pretty close to saying "You're biological mother could have just been around the block too many times and never took the time to figure out who the biological father is". I don't see reason to name the most insulting likely possibility after the original poster explained being in contact with the biological mother about who the father is.

Luvingmother, What Peachy said is a reality for some adoptees. Good bad or indifferent - we were surrendered for many different reasons and what Peachy stated would be a valid reason for a mother not to tell her child who their father was. There was no disrespect intended, it is a possible reality for some of us, and if you knew Peachy you would understand that. Kind regards,Dickons

It's not that I have doubts this is a very real situation for some. I try to remain optimistic that the biological father can be found rather than telling someone "you may never know because the mother might not even know". Do you see my side? I would rather give someone hope and encouragement. I thought that is what this forum was made for in the first place. I don't need to know anyone here to know that his/her response can be interpreted as negative and potentially heartbreaking for the O.P. to read.

Luvingmother, They have been reunited for over 10 years - really that is more than enough time for any mother to tell her child who their father is... We are all adults here and have learned the hard way to deal with unpleasant realities. We just want the truth - whatever that truth is - we lived without knowing for long enough. Regards,Dickons

I think we're all big girls here and can surmise a number of things from my statement, none of which are "insulting," though they may be "hard truths." The OPs birth mother could have been raped by an unknown person, date-raped and perhaps only knew the birth father's first name. And yes, she could have had a (heaven forbid!) one night stand with someone whose identity is not known, or had been with more than one person and is not sure of the identity of the father. These are not insulting things in my book, speaking as a woman who came of age in the 70s and experienced my share of flings! However, I do understand that society has a shameful view of women who have sexual experiences that differ from the so-called "norm" and IF the OPs birthmother had such an experience, she might be terrified of talking about it for fear of being judged. I'm merely presenting these as possible reasons the OPs birthmother is not saying who the birthfather is. Sorry to have upset you so, but if the OP is offended in any way, or takes issue with anything I have said, I would guess she is quite capable of addressing me directly.