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Last month, my DD wrote me the most amazing response to my first contact letter! She was so upbeat and positive and anxious to get started in our reunion. She said that she couldn't wait to start to get to know me..... and I haven't heard back from her since. I know reunions are full of ups and downs and pullbacks and expectations, and I'm trying to tell myself that it's all normal and it doesn't mean anything specific. However, I am slightly confused by it all. To make matters worse, her a-mom and I have gone from regular contact to none at all. The last time I heard from her was the day I heard from DD, she guessed that my happy Facebook status had to do with DD writing me, and asked about it. I know that she's had reservations about DD and I getting to know eachother, which she had admitted was due to her insecurity and not anything that I did. I've tried to casually check in with her, but she won't respond. I'm starting to wonder if the two events are related. In the past, DD's mom has told me that DD was very sensitive to her mom's feelings about contact and reunion, and does not want to hurt her. Her mom was supportive and has run interference between the two of us before, but even when DD said she was OK with hearing from me, her mom tried to discourage me from doing it. Her mom also has told me in the past that DD was not interested, but I learned from DD's letter that she's always been curious and interested. So I feel like DD has pulled back to spare her mom's feelings before. I've always been respectful of DD's mom and her role throughout the course of our contact. Personally I am really upset at the thought of her mom not wanting to talk anymore, or worse, guilting DD into not wanting to get to know me. I keep trying to tell myself not to jump to conclusions, but it's hard knowing the backstory and amom's feelings to NOT jump to conclusions! I know that there isn't much I can do about it, but it's still frustrating! Thanks for listening :)
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Hi brown-- It's hard to say anything definitive but it sounds to me like your daughter is capitulating to amom. Given that amom has been dishonest about your daughter's position on knowing you, and given that your daughter has directly refuted her amom, it's hard to imagine that amom's "insecurities" are not directly related to the sudden silence. How old is your daughter? Does she live at home? I was concerned early on in my reunion that my son decided to keep his aparents out of it, but now I'm sooooooooo glad he did. We don't need their issues--we have plenty to work on between the two of us without that. My son had a great point: he doesn't ask aparent's permission to create relationships with whomever he likes, so why should the relationship between him and I be any different? Hang in there. Sooner or later your daughter will make the break into full adulthood and make her own decisions independent of what amom or anyone else wants.
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Browneyes, It could be DD's worried about her moms feelings or her moms actions or her own overwhelming feelings or a bit of all three...the tug of war feelings of loyalty to both sides is really wearing. It's hard all the way around and I would just go with the flow and keep in contact without asking for contact at this point. She is also at college / being just grown up age too isn't she? Through friends and a bit more freedom into the mix and it could simply be - that age. Kind regards,Dickons
DD is at that age, lol :) She's away at college tho she is not far from home. I am friends with both DD and her mom on Facebook, and I can see that she's very much in the midst of her school year. However I can also see that DD and her mom have frequent contact on there, and since I've come into the picture, it's been different between them. A mom "seems" very possessive and DD "seems" to be reassuring her mom. It's Facebook, so who knows what's going on, it might have more to do with the fact that she's not living at home, or it could be perception. But my perception has been colored by things that have happened for certain in the past. And it would not surprise me if DD's mom did not react well to DD writing me, and DD pulled back because her mom got upset. And that's completely unfair to me and DD. I guess I was slightly naive to think that a-mom would realize after constant reassurance on my part that DD is not going to replace me with her, and I don't want to replace her either. She really has absolutely no basis to be afraid of that. Yet she's consistantly put off contact, even mediated contact through her, for years, and I think she was hoping DD would decide that she didn't need to write me back. I'm hoping I'm completely paranoid here. It's all so new to me! I didn't expect that I'd be constantly in contact with DD, but I suppose since she said she could hardly wait to start to build a relationship and she had a bunch of questions, I'd have heard back sooner rather than later. And I definitely didn't expect a mom to throw us a party, but I did expect her to acknowledge it after she brought it up. It's probably better off that she isn't involved at all, it just makes me sad that after all the years of contact with her, it's best for it to be that way.