What to say in the card
So emom is being induced very soon and i have a present for her when (if) we get invited to the hospital to see her and baby. I am a scrapbooker, and since there arent any, "adoption" greeting cards, i was going to make one to go along with the present. The problem is that i have NO IDEA what to say to her. Do i say, Congratulations, which sounds kinda stupid in the situation. I just dont know what to say. I dont want this huge long paragraph, but im just drawing a blank. I dont know if i should thank her for this oppurtunity, (tpr isnt for another month) so she can still change her mind. We are soooo thankful that thsi is happening, but dont want to sound insensitive espiecally since she JUST will have had the baby the day before!!
Or i thought about skipping the card all together and just handing her the present. Its not like she wont know who its from. Any ideas??? Thanks,Rach
You know, at one time I was considering a present for a birthmom (in a situation that ultimately did not work out...) and someone warned me that as unintentional as it may be... it could be interpreted as some sort of coercion or at the very least kind of like "guilting" an emom.

I absolutely understand that was NOT your intention, but when someone brought it up to me I really appreciated it... because I didn't want to cross any lines. intentionally or otherwise - kwim?

I think flowers would be a nice gesture though. Personally I wouldn't include a card, but only because I hate writing heart-felt sentiments.

I really don't know though... would love to hear from birthmoms on how they felt about gift giving pre-TPR.
Congratulate her on the birth of her child and becoming a mom. Skip the thank you's. There are lots of reasons I say that, the biggest being I can't think of a single first mom who wants to be thanked for placing their baby. We don't do it to get thanked, we do it to give our little one a life we feel we can't provide.

I would say honor her as a mom during the short time she gets that honor. It may be hard for you, but I think in the long run you will be glad you did.
belleinblue1978 said...
Congratulate her on the birth of her child and becoming a mom. Skip the thank you's. There are lots of reasons I say that, the biggest being I can't think of a single first mom who wants to be thanked for placing their baby. We don't do it to get thanked, we do it to give our little one a life we feel we can't provide.

I would say honor her as a mom during the short time she gets that honor. It may be hard for you, but I think in the long run you will be glad you did.


Thanks for the advice. No, i wouldnt think that you would want to be thanked for placing your child. I just dont know what to do because our SW has made it pretty clear what she thinks we "should" say, and i really dont agree with her, so i was curious what others thought. Our SW wants us to be all mushy and stuff, and myself and the mom arent mushy people at all. I know that she knows we are excited and i guess i dont think i need to tell her that over and over.

As far as the present, we were told by our SW that MOST aparents get the emom a little something when at the hospital and that we should too. Im fine with a present, its nothing big and i guess that i figured if we were going to visit a friend in the hosptial we would bring a present, so i dont find it coersive in our situation at least. (but thanks for mentioning it) She is very set in her plan as far as i know. Rach
If you and the expectant mom are both excited about the birth, then why not say, "Congratulations"? I know that it can feel awkward, but this is her moment, and she deserves all of the good things that come with having a baby. We gave our son's birth mom flowers, a stuffed Noah's ark, and bought one of those big door ribbons. We gave her a congratulatory card with it, but for the life of me, I can't remember what we wrote in it.

I'm not sure the degree of openness that you are planning to have, but you can really plant seeds for a good relationship in these early days. Our son had to spend a few extra days in the hospital following his birth, and we shared care of him with his birthparents until it was time to leave the hospital. Eventually, we did give them pretty mushy letters that we had written, but we had gotten to know them pretty well by that time.
DancinBear63 said...
If you and the expectant mom are both excited about the birth, then why not say, "Congratulations"? I know that it can feel awkward, but this is her moment, and she deserves all of the good things that come with having a baby. We gave our son's birth mom flowers, a stuffed Noah's ark, and bought one of those big door ribbons. We gave her a congratulatory card with it, but for the life of me, I can't remember what we wrote in it.

I'm not sure the degree of openness that you are planning to have, but you can really plant seeds for a good relationship in these early days. Our son had to spend a few extra days in the hospital following his birth, and we shared care of him with his birthparents until it was time to leave the hospital. Eventually, we did give them pretty mushy letters that we had written, but we had gotten to know them pretty well by that time.


Your right, why not say congratulations!!! I guess im just always worried about saying the wrong thing.

She is taking care of him in the hospital. We are just visiting for a little bit to see him and take some pics, talk to her, and then leaving again. I know that is HER time with him and we dont want to interrupt that.

I guess we were planning on having a semi open adoption, but as we progress, its becoming more open.
Thanks, Rach
I'm on pins and needles waiting for news from you Rach!!

As part of our adoption education, we were fortunate enough to go to a "birth mother panel." It was 4 birth mothers telling their stories about when they placed their babies for adoption (from 5 months ago - 8 years ago.)

All of them but one, said no one sent flowers and that they would have liked them. One bmom said the only flowers she got were from the aparents, and that she really liked and appreciated them.

We brought our baby's bmom flowers to the hospital. We got a premade card at the flower shop that was pretty (not sympathetic like for a funeral) and it said "Thinking of You." Then we all signed our names (DH, me and DDs) They were the only flowers she got. She really liked them and they added joy to the room.

Keep us update!!! Can't wait to hear!
Nora
As a birthmom getting any flowers in the hospital was nice, especially since I was on a floor with all new Moms, everyone had tons of flowers and balloons - so getting some flowers from the AP was really appreciated.

As far as a card, I got a card saying something to the extent of thinking of you, and the inside they wrote they thought I was a strong and amazing person (I'm paraphrasing here).
What really meant a lot during that time was feeling like a normal Mom, getting flowers and cards, getting visitors in the hospital who oohed and aahed over the baby, well it was great to feel normal.

I put good thoughts towards you, I know how tough to waiting was on my end and I imagine your side of things the waiting is even worse.
We gave a very small gift (fancy moiturizer for new mom's bellies) and a card that said congrats on the new baby and how much we have enjoyed getting to know her. We were sure to only say something that would hold true whether or not she chose adoption.

All the best to all of you!
We did get our boys' b-mom a gift - a Willow Tree angel and a journal (she likes to write). We got a card with some scripture on it because we are Christians and so is she, and just signed it....I planned to write more, but we ended up driving overnight 12.5 hours on short notice, and I was trying to get some sleep in the car, so I didn't have time to write much (not to mention I couldn't write well in a moving car either).
I'm so excited for you! We got our birthmom a sterling silver necklace of a heart with pinkish lavender jewels so she could always keep us & Nicole close to her heart & because her favorite color is purple. We had gotten to know her over the phone & loved her, but we did not get to meet her. She decided at the end it would be too hard emotionally so the adoption coordinator from the agency gave her the necklace. The adoption coordinator gave us the idea to give her a heart necklace, it was my idea to give her one with her favorite color stones.
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