Is it only where I live?

I have noticed other caucasian parents don't start conversations with us, but other parents will. I also think that once adoption comes into the equation it seems to become awkward as well. I'm no longer part of the mom's club. KWIM? That somehow I'm less of a Mom because I didn't birth my child. I try to take it in stride. I have my friends, and they get me and our family...if the moms on the playground can't, well it's their loss! I think we are a great family and have lots of fun, and if they can't see that, well its shame on them! :p Sorry its happening to you!

so sorry to hear that....I've never received anything but support from my co-workers. What is funny is that at church, moms will be polite when they first meet me (single with a child) then if they hear some gossip about L that she was adopted by me, all of a sudden I'm IN the mom's circle (read: phew, she didn't fornicate...lol) I try to take it in stride, but it's always something....I guess that "something" may have to do where one lives???? maybe??? don't know. All I know is that I follow both your blogs and your girls are too dang cute for words....I wish we lived closer.

That's really a shame. Maybe it is partly a matter of where someone lives. As the white, gay mom of an adopted AA son, I have noticed the opposite. Suddenly, the fact that I'm gay or my family is a little unusual doesn't matter, because we're all moms. People who used to be a little stand-offish suddenly seem more comfortable. We have something in common and they know where I "fit." I'm a mom like they are. Ironically, it is my gay friends - most of whom don't have children - that I have less in common with now. JCM - I really noticed that when D was a baby. I notice it a little less now, but it's still there. When we are out, the people who talk to him, or comment on how cute he is are almost always other AA people. In a way, I'm glad. I want him to know that that's his community and he has a place there, so I'm glad he gets a welcoming, approving "vibe" from them. I don't notice white people being distant here in the city, but the minute we hit the suburbs, the stares start. I've started to bristle at the city limit in anticipation. :)

I find that most AA moms are friendly b/c they see I have AA kids and they assume that I will be friendly towards them. Many AA people stick together b/c they feel that connection and have had experiences where CC people are not that comfortable around them. Of course if both make an effort to become friends that can all change but I agree that AA people are more friendly with me and my kids. Not that CC people are NOT friendly. Just that I see AA's liking that connection.

It is a regional thing I think ... in our area, I was almost always assumed to be my AA sons' mother (either through biology or the usual assumption of adoption). It was almost always 100% positive reaction from everyone, and yes often any person of color was more positively interactive PARTICULARLY with the kids. CC people tended to talk to ME about my kids, people of color (AA, Indo Canadian, Asian etc) would talk to my kids :) HOWEVER - now that I am the mom of two FN (first nations)/ NA (native american) kids I am assumed to be either the foster parent most of the time, or feel very real racism that I am FN/NA myself or married to a FN/NA man. In our community, that is the marginalized population with significant issues. When I am outside our direct community, again everyone assumes I have adopted from Asia or South America, and get very few people who think the girls are FN/NA. Its a strage phenomenon

Thank-you for all the replies ladies. :) Oak & Bethany, you make some good points. Unfortunately, the area we live in is quite segregated (int his day and age, it's beyond me :grr: ). It's the main reason I want to move, like yesterday. So what you ladies had to say makes a lot of sense, and it's cool Cam gets to see people of color interacting with her. Jen, it must make you livid and sad to experience first hand what the FN people face every day. Your little girls are beautiful, and the antics they pull crack me up. "Misplaced trust" had me giggling every time I went back to check for an update. :) KLL08...you know, I have gotten that vibe too. I actually had a woman say to me something along the lines of "you wouldn't understand, you didn't give birth". I was floored. She's lucky she still has teeth. :eyebrows: Dannie, you harlot!!! LOL...not sure I could handle the judgy church ladies. :D

I rarely get asked the question outright if C is adopted. I assume that most people assume (lots of assuming there) I'm an adoptive mom. Most of the questions come after I've seen someone a few times, like say at a class. Or someone broaches it with "my friend adopted a boy from Ethiopia..." something like that. Only once have I outright had someone question if he was my child. At a children's museum, an employee saw me holding his hand and leading him to another area, and asked if "that little boy was lost."When we're at things like a mommy and me class, the playground, etc, the other moms, even if they don't know us, almost always comment on how cute he is, and make references to me being mommy. This is with both white and AA people. The guys at the barbershop didn't broach adoption until after we'd been there a few visits. I've never had another AA woman really ask me outright if C's adopted, except a couple leading in with the "a friend adopted..." type things.I do get a few odd looks and "are they all yours?" when I'm out with all three. My girls are fraternal twins, and they really don't look much alike. So I can kinda see people working it through their heads like, "Are the girls sisters? Cousins? OK, what's with the AA boy?" Not in a rude way, but just wondering. But then again, I also have had people talk to the girls and call Caleb "your little brother", maybe just to ask them by proxy? Overall, we've really had overwhelmingly positive-to-neutral reaction from the general public, not many rude or nosy questions at all.

Hey jcm, that stinks. It doesn't seem to me that this would be regional... it would just depend on the individuals who happened to be attending that class. It's probably a pretty small sample anyway. Maybe another class would be different. I haven't seem anything like that but here in fl everybody's integrated. Up north where I am from, it's heavily segregated and I think it could be different. Maybe the next class group will be better. (At any rate, I'm just jealous that you get to take the little one to a class.... lucky!! :love: )

My daughter is Asian and we are both Black. For us, most of the comments come from AA people. White people and Asians generally do not say anything but they mention that she is so cute etc. When Asians and CCs do mention adoption and our differences its something like "oh, my sister adopted from China...." or "my family is from 'so and so' country too". Occasionally, people will assume that I am the nanny but that only happens in certain areas of my neighborhood.In my experience, African American people are bolder, perhaps because we are Black and they feel comfortable with blatant statements and questions. I already mentioned a long time ago about the extreme racism we experience at the airport (and quite frankly those situations rarely happen) but most Black people will say something like... "Why didn't you adopt a Black child?" , "Is she your 'real' child?", "Where is she from?" or they assume my husband is Asian.

Oops, I kinda ended my post before getting to the other issues in the post.I tend to get more questions when I'm by myself with Caleb than with DH. Usually if I'm with DH, it's all the kids too, so I guess then they definitely assume C is adopted. Sometimes we get asked about his adoption, but I do have to say it's usually not in a nosy capacity, sometimes people wanting to know what agency, how the process worked, etc. Most often, the question is "where is he from?". That one bugs me a little, like there aren't black people from the US?I've never noticed anyone avoiding me or anything at the playground/classes. If anything, being with Caleb tends to draw attention.

I've never encountered that at My Gym or elsewhere. I live in a very integrated area (Maryland) with lots of interracial couples and kids though.

I know right?! I think I've stated this before, the city I live in is kingdom interracial marriages or families so honestly most people when I go shopping don't think we're a strange family...we blend in because of where I live. Luckily I have a warped sense of humor so I don't mind the church folk....I think I had a positive outlook growing up in church or at least had good and not negative memories so I just go for the friends I make, the message, not so much for the "system" or politics, or judgy ladies :)