Advertisements
OK, 14 years post reuion, seeking the assistance of author Nancy Verrier, the lady who wrote the book on adoption! She accepts my plea for help and offers her assistance. After a few emails and a few phone calls across the country to her office in California we some to a place where it is appropriate to bring in the B mom. I was instructed to send a letter of invitation, stating what we were doing, how it was going, my current boundaries, including, no phone calls, emails, snail mail, keep my parents and spouse and b dad's family all out of this ( all boundaries that had been currently inplace and were not new to her). Then I passed on Nancy's info and waited for a response. A response came that we could do a three way phone call, which I was uncomfortable with and I counteroffered a three way email. I have been very successful reconciling relationships with email ( for yany doubters out there thinking this is so inpersonal). I received no response to this at all and was left out of the loop. What I did find out through other b family sources was that this b mom of mine took my email I sent to her requesting reconiliation and how to go about it and passed it on to her sister who then broadcasted it to the whole extended family in another state (in which I live) then she went on to send a Christmand card to my A mom, thus putting her in the middle (where she does not want to be until we are in better spirits with each other). Can anybody tell me this was the right thing to do on her part???? I go to councelors, I seek guidance to how to navigate this, I'm introduced to boundaries, my boundaries are reviewed with professionals who approve of my boundaries, they are then shared and a door of reconciling this is opened throught the assistance of more counceling. and then she takes allthis and goes against it rashly, making me look like the bad guys. Can anyone honestly tell me this si called for?? Seriously?? We have the help of Nancy verrier at our side and she throws it allaway because of her complete lack of emotional integrity!!!! There is really nothing left for me to pursue here. has anybody else just been left to grieve a dead relationship? i am so depressed!
Like
Share
Out of all the replies to my posting yours is the only one most understanding and insightful to my feelings and case. I have specifically set ground rules and my comfort zone is only emailing at this pont because as you can see one includes no contact with my family and after recieving that she blatantly disreguards it. Numerous times in the past we have tried reconciling and she takes the intiative to over step my comfort zone. Accordng to nancy's books on adoption we qualify as having PTSD and if you read about overcoming that one must subject oneself to the circumstance most upsetting to one but with caution and safety in mind. I used these techniques with my b dad and we have a very successful relationship. clearly what I was asking for wasn't too much.
Piertz
Advertisements
Raven,
My comfort zone only allows me to go as far as 3 way emails, nancy suggested phone calls but i know we'd only get into a yelling match as we have before. i would think b aprents who really love their adult children and would be willing to do anything for them would be willling to meet them on their terms. Writing/emailing has been wonderful for resolving conflicts and reconciling relationships. Once you have built a foundation of trust over the internet you can move on to another step. i would disagree that writing is impersonal.
Piertz
TXRNR,
There is much more to the back story and after everything i've been through with my b fam/b mom who, nancy agrees does have a lack of boundaries, i am still leaving an opening for communication where up until recently there was none at all. what you don't know is that I sent her an email inviting her to into reconciling this relationship with my boundaroes set forth and she passed this email onto her sister who allowed other family members to read it. I'm not a bad person for having trust issues but that is how it makes me look - clearly the bad guy. it doesn't cast any light on the fact i tracked Nancy down and have initiated reconciling, all of which is incredibly emotionally exhausting. i don't think asking for discretion is too much to ask and if she needs someone to lean on she has Nancy. She also needs to find a support group for b moms and probably her own counselor. i don't see her putting forth any effort to resolve this even if it is as small as keeping things private.
Piertz
Just peachy,
We have had many good conversations via email which had progressed to phone conversations, we unfortunately had a mishap happen in the past that caused a huge break in trust. I am struggling with overcoming that at this piont. I want Nancy to assist us because someone has to mediate this. otherwise my b mom's emotions get the best of her and no one is there to keep her in check. we just can't keep at each other like this and get nowhere. it was my b mom who sent a card to my a mom and my b mom's sister spread our personal letters around to the rest of the family.
Yah at the way we are going it may not look like it but I am trying to reconcile the relationship.
Piertz
Advertisements
I like others, do not know the history you and your Bmom have however, I want to send you a cyber ((HUG)) because I can so relate to the part where Bmom brodcasted if you will what was supossed to be a between you two.
I have had that happen with an aunt who took pleasure in using any communications(letters that weren't even written to her) as a source of amusement and mockery of me.
This is such a betrayal on so many levels and can only add to any already existing stressors that come with this whole search and reunion.
I will say that, an this might sound aweful but I am glad by the time I found Bmom she had already passed one. Because I ma sure that she too would have pulled the same kind of stunts.
I am sorry if this offends anyone but it was all aout timing in my case. Of course I wish Bmom were still alive but as far as the aforementioned my life would have been made to be unbvearable knowing the dynamics of that family and how they operate. I have already been through enough with the Bsiblings so I got a taste of what could have been and I am sure I would have either been lied too or never got answers anyting more than what I already have.
EZ
Piertz, I would have a distinct issue with someone who forwarded a one on one personal conversation to either of my families. I also do not do well on the phone and especially not when high emotions are likely to spill forth. Trust once broken has to heal on its own time before it is viable again... It is is going to work it will but if not you need to accept that also because you cannot fix others. Kind regards,Dickons
Advertisements
Piertz,
I reread your original post on this thread to see if I was understanding it correctly. I'm still confused, as I pointed out in my first reply on this thread.
Do your current boundaries include no communication from your birth mother? If I'm understanding your original post correctly, you don't allow her to communicate via email, snail mail, phone calls, etc.
Sometimes in reunion, we have to be careful that our boundaries don't become barriers and walls....
I am curious about one thing. Have you met your birth mother face to face? If so, how long has it been since you've seen each other?
Right now the only communication I'm allowing is email with the guidance & medication of Nancy Verrier, so it would be a three way email. We have only started this so the first email has yet to occur. I havn't built any walls that with time and trust I am not willing to bring down. For the first 3 years we had a face to face relationship that was too stressful. After that I maintained she stay away, it's been 10 years. One of the reasons, as pointed out in the book Coming Home to Self, was we both had different expectations. Also in the same book it outlines what a relationship with a b mom who didn't have her needs met as a child would look like and it described our relationship to a T. This woman has a lot of buried past hurts she hasn't come to terms with and looks to others for "mothering" when two people are in a relationship and both are looking for mothering it creates a conflict. Now this may sound very easy and straight forward to many however when you face an emotionally charged situation this is not easily resolved. She also has poor boundary issues, hence the lack of discretion to keep personal communications between herself and others out of the extensive family eye. Dickons and EZ understand this and you may want to reference thier postings for furthur understanding. Hope this clears things up.
Crazy Woman,
Yes, she is frustrated with all my rules, but those rules were put in place with the assistance of counselors experienced in the area of family communications for reconciling. People, like myself, have to have their basic needs of safety met before they can step out of thier comfort zone futher. These are the same ground rules I put in place with my b father, he respected them and over time I was able to advance to phone conversations, one to one meetings, having him over to my house, then his and integrating ourselves into each other's families. These things take time, and b mom thinks she can just brush past them, which doesn't take any of my feelings in to account, and "do whatever" she wants. Adoptees are victims of PTSD due to the trauma of separation from their mothers at birth. To overcome PTSD one must subject oneself to the stressor in a manner comfortable to the individual, which my boundaries state.
No, she doesn't want me to "leave her alone" or she would be putting restrictions on me which if you read my inital posting wasn't at all evident, nor is it neccessary as sited in the boundaries I have posted.
I would also ask that in the future some consideration be put into your statements before they are posted, or I will have to continue to bring them to the attention of the people who oversee the website.
Piertz
I think your bmom should respect your boundaries and if she wants a relationship she should do what is asked. I do think that one problem with communication by email is that tone and inflextion is not present and can easily be misinterpreted, which can sometimes make things more difficult. But regardless if she is unwilling to abide by your requests then the relationship may be one that has to be put on hold.
Advertisements
Piertz,
Well, it does sound like both you and your birth mother are facing some challenges in learning to communicate more effectively with each other. Hopefully, Nancy Verrier will be able to guide the both of you on your journey to reconciliation. I wish both of you the best of luck.
If your birth mother wants to find a triad support group in her local area, let me know and I'll run a search for you. She may also want to consider talking on the phone with just Verrier for a few sessions, in addition to a 3-way email between the three of you.
It sounds as if you are trying very hard to make things right and get her to do her part in it. It sounds very frustrating and possibly hurtful that she is not responding according to the script this counselor and all the books you've read have set out as the way to proceed. It also sounds as if she simply does not have the capacity to understand what you are trying to do, how you are doing it, or how to square what you are asking her to do--if she even understands it--with her understanding of how life works. It sounds as if she is flummoxed by ideas and requests that are alien or incoherent or too complicated to make sense to her and may be frustrated or feeling unfairly dealt with or defensive. It would be natural for her to look for affirmation of those reactions from her sister. It doesn't sound as if she can give you what you think you need in the way you think you need it. But she may well be able to give you something else if you are able to remain open to her. I think you may be able to gift yourself something of her, I don't know what as that would have to reveal itself, because the two of you are worthy to each other. Even if, because of safety or toxicity issues, it needs to come down to a kindly given good bye without rancor, that would be something better to go forward in life with than yet another disappointment. Sometimes resolution comes with re-integration; sometimes it comes with recognition, acceptance, and forgiveness that re-integration and personal trust may not be possible in the way we envision it. I am not writing as a person who has been adopted because I have not been. I am writing as the mother of a remarkable girl who has been navigating, sometimes very painfully, reunion with her birthfather and her birthmother's family since the birthmother's passing. A large part of dealing with the birthfather has been acceptance of his limitations, something that has been very healing for her as she recognizes that they have nothing to do with her. I am sorry you are so upset and hurting. I hope the two of you are able to find peace with each other.