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I thought I'd hide out in here for a few minutes -- in case I say something that might sound unloving or unkind in reference to my daughter. At least here it's understood that I'm not living in circumstances that even come close to being normal.
K is upstairs right now. She's supposed to be cleaning her room and making her bed -- consequences for using her bed as a springboard to jump up and reach the curtain rod and try to "release" the curtain that I had looped over the rod to keep it out of her reach until such time as she was old enough to leave it alone and let it be pretty -- and in the process ripping the curtain rod hanger out of the wall and bending the rod.
Of course, it's my fault that she was in her room in the first place -- she had gone outside to play in the snow... BUT I stupidly noticed that she was not staying off the potentially icy concrete as I had told her and went out to tell her to do as she was told... at which point I noticed that her jacket wasn't zipped... and then realized that she had no hat or gloves on (it was only 16 degrees)... I told her to get back in the house (to remedy the oversights) and she started walking toward the playset (where she was supposed to be in the first place)... I somehow managed to yell loud enough for her to hear me and got her to come back to the house (her explanation was that she didn't know which way I wanted her to go to get back to the house -- my bad for thinking she would simply follow me back to the front door)... then... after all that... she started running on the icy sidewalk..... That's when I decided she needed to stay in for awhile. She watched tv for a bit, then went up to her room. Then I heard jumping over my head (my office is directly beneath her room). We had a discussion about the whole jumping thing either yesterday or the day before -- even though my head is congested and I can't hear much I definitely CAN hear her jumping on her bed.
What gets me the most is how much I don't look forward to Christmas anymore. I have no desire to even try to make it special. Last year a friend helped me get the "big" tree set up -- promising to come back after Christmas to help take it down -- it didn't get out of the house until my sister came to visit in September. The decorations are still in the living room. There's simply no joy in it for me. I used to LOVE decorating and would dream of the day when I'd be making it all magical for a child. Now I have a child and I hate it. K expects the house and yard to be decorated but has no understanding of how much work is involved and little interest in helping.
I don't even feel the desire to buy her toys, games, and stocking-stuffers any more. Why should I? She won't keep her toys in her room and I'm constantly telling her to get them out of the living room. Besides, she already got a RC car from the dentist -- I can't compete with that! And it still doesn't occur to her that she's supposed to be giving gifts as well. I need to figure out how to fix that. How do you teach a kid that she's supposed to buy something for you -- without making it look like Christmas is just about presents? How do you teach a kid who never had the chance to develop a giving nature to want to share good things with others?
Hmm..... I think I'm done ranting... time to start blogging. Maybe I'll find some answers as I type.
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Isn't this such a fun time of year?!
I was one of those nutty moms that let my kids play on icy concrete in unzipped coats in the dead of winter. Not a battle I was willing to fight.
I use to love Christmas as well and wrote a mock Christmas letter on another attachment sight-one I'd never send. It included things like "Probation, death threats, theft, and creating babies for the welfare system". All that fun jazz.
I'm a bit concerned about Christmas. 4 of my boys are fighting and they can get pretty intense. One head butted the rear window out of his car in a fit of anger. Part of me hopes they won't come, the other part would be sad they didn't care enough to show. They won't buy gifts for our side of the family-even their brother yet buy expensive gifts for bfamily.
I insisted my kids purchase gifts for anyone they expected gifts from. If they didn't, they didn't get the gifts purchased for them by those people.
I was also careful about the amount of gifts and what I bought. Some kids cannot handle a lot of stuff to take care of and find it overwhelming.
I recommend a large bottle of rum, lots of chocolate, and early bedtimes(first 2 for mom, last one for child)
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I am not a holiday person by nature. They were horrible, traumatic events as I was growing up. I now have 2 small (3 & 5) boys. The 5 had to leave kindergarten, the 3 has alot of medical issues and honestly although I have been off work because of surgery I don't have the time or desire to do anything. I feel like I spend all day yelling, screaming, correcting and just being frustrated. I really like the rum idea but then I would want to sleep and that is just not possible.
gisellechloe
I am not a holiday person by nature. They were horrible, traumatic events as I was growing up. I now have 2 small (3 & 5) boys. The 5 had to leave kindergarten, the 3 has alot of medical issues and honestly although I have been off work because of surgery I don't have the time or desire to do anything. I feel like I spend all day yelling, screaming, correcting and just being frustrated. I really like the rum idea but then I would want to sleep and that is just not possible.
I feel for you. I hope you can find a nice short amount of time to enjoy the Christmas spirit just for you. Get a cup of hot chocolate or take a thermos out and go look at a community tree that someone else decorated for you. Anything - as long as it is for you.
Mine is younger (turns 5 right after Christmas) so I told her she had no choice she couldn't ruin or stop Christmas no matter how hard she tried. She actually told me she was going to test Santa and make him mean to her. I told her it was just impossible because Santa knew she was a good little girl inside and no matter how bad she was she couldn't stop him from coming. She's confused because she wants to control Christmas and Santa.
Interestingly I just figured out that she doesn't know how to handle "excited" feelings. So she acts like she does when she is mad/nervous. She's never really been excited - so she doesn't know what to do with those feelings. So now we are trying to teach her how you are expected to act when you are excited. Don't know why I didn't know that I would need to teach this since I had to teach her what a happy feeling was.
Teaching - giving??? My guess is every kid is different and their willingness to participate is questionable. I've been making cookies/cakes w/ dd and then having her give them away to people that help her w/o having her eat them. It is VERY upsetting to her to give food (especially cookies and cakes) away. She has even asked to eat it as soon as they opened it and then asked them to give her a present too. So I continue "my christmas spirit" and consider it therapy for her.
With all of that, I couldn't put her to bed last night because I was too upset with her testing me so much. I just had to walk away.
Merry Christmas to you - I'm sending happy Christmas vibes through the internet and hope it helps a little bit.
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Oh my goodness your dd sounds identical to mine amd is exactly the same age! I took her out tonight just she and I. It zaps my brain to spend time with her, but she needed the alone time away from the babies.
This IS a very hard time when you have a RAD child. Mine hates receiving anything she did not demand. So if I try to do something nice that was not her idea, she makes me pay!
I have really focused a lot this year on the christmas story and making goodies for other people. I think the only way my kids will catch on to the joy of giving is to watch me do it and join in. That is a long term goal for me. I think it will take them longer than most kids.
My heart goes out to you. Turn on some christmas music and sing your heart out. Maybe do some baking and let her join you if she feels like it. That works with mine sometimes. I don't ask them to do something with me. I just start doing it and let them ask to help me. It is their idea and therefor a more pleasant experience.
P.S. That whole playing dumb thing is my absolute least favorite. Makes me spitting mad! My dd does it nonstop... But not at schhool, just with me!!! Yay I feel do privilaged!
With all of that, I couldn't put her to bed last night because I was too upset with her testing me so much. I just had to walk away.
It's gone better than I thought, but still not great. We don't have to worry about curtains, she tore down all curtains a long time ago. On Christmas Eve, we went to church and she did some public ignorning to do what she want. I ended up walking to the front of the church, pulling her from the front pew where she was bugging the pastor, and telling her to get her coat and let's leave. Our neighbors were there, and we haven't heard or seen them since...I'm sure they just feel sorry for D.
I went to be Christmas Eve not wanting to do anything for her. I had a nice MP3 player from Santa that I considered not giving her. But I did. I warned her that if she wanted to continue parenting herself, she could just put some gifts under the tree from Mommy because I'd be taking mine back. That prevented a tantrum.
The day after Christmas, she was just disrespectful. I can usually take some of that, but today I was unwilling. I just walked away. Said only what I needed to her and canceled all plans for th day. Finally, after dinner I told her that disrespect won't work here. She doesn't really get it. She said, "I know...if I can't respect you how can I respect others." I said, "No. You need to respect me because I'm your mother and I'm a person. That's it. No other reason. But you need to know, it's not a request. You MUST show respect, it's required."
I think I made some point because her eyes were big. I don't know if that's "She's not playing." or "I'm going to get her."
Thank God for day care. We are home together tomorrow but then we get back to some routine.
Oh...I had the same problem with giving gifts. I gave her money and made her save money since October. She was not allowed to buy herself anything. We made a list of who she had to buy for and the minimum she could spend. Then she got to wrap the gifts and shop on her own. She said, "I didn't know giving gifts was so much fun." We also bought gifts for the Angel tree too. For the longest time, only the gifts she bought were under the tree. It made her proud to see them all. It's a process. I also asked friends not to give her too much.
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Hope everyone made it through the holidays. With two children with RAD we made it by the skin of our teeth! Both had been doing so much better until the holiday hit. Honestly thought my youngest was healthy, but thanks to a crappy preschool teacher we have had a HUGE step back. Had to pull him out of there.
We were excited to get through the holiday season without any major tantrums until my daughter had a complete meltdown last night. Kicked me several times which was a first for her. Hadn't had a tantrum to that level in a long time. Thankfully, I was able to go into her room and calm her down after a bit before the throwing of belongings started! That alone was the best Christmas gift ever! She normally is unable to be calmed once that level is reached. Other than deep breathing and counting backwards (while hoping from foot to foot) what do you encourage your RAD children to do for self calming techniques?
We also had the same problem with kids 'expecting' everything to be given to them and/or done for them. That has decreased because we now do a LOT of volunteer work. I have worked hard to find places that will allow the children to go and work along-side of us. Most places we volunteer with are churches that go out into the community and feed the homeless, gather items for those in need etc. We have also started our own nonprofit to help children in foster care. Actually getting out and seeing the other side of things seems to help them. I think it also helps their self esteem to know they are making a difference in someone else's life and their sense of 'belonging' in their community.
We managed to get through Christmas vacation fairly well... It was a little dicey the last few days after 2 weeks of total togetherness. I know there were some pseudo-tantrums and a few mini-tantrums but she's still alive and school has restored peace to our house. Several times leading up to Christmas, if she wasn't getting her way, K would tell me that if I didn't do what she wanted then she wasn't going to give me a present. It kind of spoiled it for her when I'd look at her and tell her that since she has never given me one I wasn't expecting to get one from her. Once she tried to tell me that if I wasn't good to her I wouldn't get anything from Santa -- but I already had 2 gifts under the tree from him. :)She did a pretty good job of driving me nuts about time. I was taking skating lessons both weeks of vacation and I'd usually try to run some errands first. Almost without fail she would get it in her head that we were going to be late. One day she was upset by the time we left Target because she just knew we would be late. I couldn't think of the other places I needed to go at that point so I just drove to the rink. We arrived more than 30 minutes early so I sat in the car listening to the radio for a few minutes -- which caused her to throw a mini-fit in the backseat. I had just told her 10 minutes earlier that my lesson wouldn't start for nearly an hour but she has no real concept of time. The day of my first lesson she told me that she was scared to have to sit in the bleachers by herself with so many people around. Then a few minutes later I turn around and find her talking to a stranger; during the lesson I see her slowly but surely working her way closer and closer to one of the moms in the stands. Afraid of the people? She certainly didn't act like it -- though I suppose it's possible that she just has a bigger fear that if mom gets hurt on the ice she's going to need a new family....