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Well..where do I start..it seems I have no words..at 16 I placed my beautiful little girl up for adoption.no words can describe the pain of handing your sweet angel faced firstborn over to people you barely know to raise..I was crushed, devestated and depressed for a long time.her father, abusive, somewhat supportive things were rough we were young...I managed to get through it somehow and I'm still alive..I gave birth 18mo ago to a wonderful baby boy whome I parent now.but that's not where my incredible recent heartache, and my reason for being here comes from..just this last week I placed my 3rd born sweet baby boy up for adoption..he went to the same family and is my little girls baby brother.what I can't seem to fathom is the seemingly stronger hurt placing brought me this time..for some reason I thought it would be easier..hey I've known and loved the family for almost 6 years, this won't be so bad..and I felt somewhat detached to this very unexpected little blessing..but I tell you when that 7lb 7oz little bundle of a furious newborn was put on my tummy after birth...i shattered. I have NEVER had so much pain, confusion, guilt,jealousy,envy,utter somplete sadness...my god...with my daughter I just knew..I was young naive and totally unsupported as far as parenting went..I placed her with a little more ease than this..but this time I battled myself something awful..I still am..I know I'm not READY for him, but maybe I COULD'VE done it? An 18mo old and a newborn isn't the end of the world is it?? I still fight this everyday..especially since the adoption is not thru an agency..I haven't even signed my rights..is it wrong of me to want him back soooo bad? Am I so bad that I went out got pregnant and put myself thru this again? Is it mean that I cant bury my hurt and jealousy towards the adoptive family I've grown to love over the last 6 years? They now have 2 of my babies...I still have my beloved son..but its all I can do to not stop,snatch and cuddle every newborn I see..my eyes water at every sound that sounds like sweet baby whimpers...I really can't claim complete sanity right now..I just want help through this..I have great family support an amazing understanding sweet boyfriend(father to my son, broken up at time of new sons conception THO possible birthfather..complicated) nobody really understands my hurt..and after a while they start wondering why I'm still crying..all the time. Sometimes I'm ok, I smile I even laugh..and other times I'm reduced to a slobbering ball of wracking sobs... I just don't know..help
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I am so sorry for your loss and pain. There is nothing I can say to change it. Therapy may be helpful and you need to find someone that specializes in adoption. How old is your son? If you have not signed away your rights, you can always change your mind. I do think that this sounds very complicated, and you may need support from others. I will pray for you and your son and whatever decision that you need to make.
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My brother and I are about 13.5 months apart. My fiance is about 2 years older than his little brother. It can be done an has been done many times. It's not easy to do. You will get frustrated at times but it's one of those things where the reward is so great that the sacrifices are hardly thought about. I can't make that descision for you. I would advise you to do now what you feel you will not regret later. If you have a close relationship with the adoptive family, maybe tell them you aren't sure and you want to try for a while? I know, it's hard. Just don't sign anything until you are 100% sure this is what you want and what is right for your son. Is this an open adoption with your daughter? I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
Yes its an open adoption with both children...I've been thinking and thinking and THINKING...and decided to stay with the adoption decision..I don't want to.. I really want to take him back... in best interest for the baby, this is the best.. I can't provide for him :( I get pictures and texts from the mom everyday, and he's thriving so well... his sister loves him soooo much.. I can't.. and as time goes on, I'm feeling more at peace.. my boyfriend and I are thinking about marriage this year, so its something fun to plan, and we are going to work hard to get our life together so someday we can comfortably bring a new baby into our own little family.. my heart is still broken I wish I could be the best option...I wish I could handle 2 young children right now..but I cannot :( I really appreciate the feedback and support I've received here, I really do! With more time, and prayer I will get through this.. and from now on, we will make better choices and grow more mature, so someday...we can make our family bigger :) that's what's been keeping me going!
When I divorced I lost full-time contact with my children, or any legal rights, because I'd been a stepparent. The kids and I loved each other a tremendous amount, and the loss was worse than I could imagine. Glad you do have your one son, still, to love and hold.One thing I did was get a calendar, and every day I would write "I love you" on the square. They say children wonder "Did you really love me?"" and it seemed something concrete like that would help answer the question for the kids. Or I wonder if you could make a little book for him of some sort? Telling him how much you love and want him, how torn you are. So later, mid-20s or 30s, he can read that. And know, really know. My cousin was adopted, and found his birthfamily when he was 80, so your sons will never quit being your sons... they just are people who have two families. Have you seen this song? The man who wrote it and sings it was adopted: [url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPYaRJOWznk&feature=channel]YouTube - Mark Schultz - Everything To Me (Video)[/url]
You know that is a FABULOUS idea :) I should start one for the both of my adoptive children! I used to write a lot when I was younger...I was picked on a lot and it helped to write... that's going to be helpful...it gets easier by the day, but its always in my mind...I hope to expand my OWN family someday...this year I get to focus on a possible wedding so I'm somewhat distracted. But that's something I'm going to start :) thank you very much for sharing and I hope those children are in your life again someday it sounds like you cared a lot for them..and nothing beats that kind of unconditional love..bless you.. and I will listen to that song :)
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Thank you for replying! I did a lot of thinking about..its probably one of the top things I think about..I'm still back and forth about it, and I wish I could just take him back..but as much as my heart hurts I probably won't end up doin so.. he's doing so well with his family, and his sister loves him sooo much, I can't.taking him from his parents, maybe I could, but from her, no.. :( ahhhh jeez..the pain gets better but it will never go away...yes it killed a part of me, both times and I will never get those pieces of my heart back that they took away...not even when and if they come to me, and thank me for it someday...it will never heal. I love them so much, and it really is the best for them..I at least know that.. I am actually going to see them on jan 25th so that's what I get to look forward to the rest of my life...seeing them.I appreciate all of everyones support and opionions..they have in many ways helped with my coping, knowing id have support somewhere if I were to do that..
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I am in counseling outside of the agency yes and so far its been helping. I won't sign anything until I know for sure of course.jonah is about 5 wks old, and since the adoption is not through an agency, ( since I know the family well) papers aren't going to be signed for about 3-6 months.. from what I was told by the adoptive parents..I guess you could say I have plenty of time but I can't make decisions for myself..I will only make my decision on what's soley best for jonah..and so far what I've come to conclude..is that the adoption is STILL the best choice...as much as I'm hurt I really am not in a place for another baby :( it would be so hard on him...and my son that's living with me and that's not fair right? If I kept him I'm thinking it really might be selfish. I'm coming to peace with it but of course it crosses my mind everyday... he's still legally mine I could walk right in their house and take him..no one could say a **** thing..but jeez..how could I take him from what they have to offer...:( I will be ok with this..never again will I choose adoption..if I have another unplanned pregnancy ( god forbid I have learned my lesson) I will keep the baby..but in the meantime..I strive to fix the reason I couldn't keep himmMAKE MY LIFE BETTER! So someday..I can bring a baby into my family comfortably... and there will be no more heartache for me or family. Thank you very much for your post I understand what you're saying , its a smart idea and yes I will def consider my options more in depth. But for now..today...I'm ok
I am in counseling outside of the agency yes and so far its been helping. I won't sign anything until I know for sure of course.jonah is about 5 wks old, and since the adoption is not through an agency, ( since I know the family well) papers aren't going to be signed for about 3-6 months.. from what I was told by the adoptive parents..I guess you could say I have plenty of time but I can't make decisions for myself..I will only make my decision on what's soley best for jonah..and so far what I've come to conclude..is that the adoption is STILL the best choice...as much as I'm hurt I really am not in a place for another baby :( it would be so hard on him...and my son that's living with me and that's not fair right? If I kept him I'm thinking it really might be selfish. I'm coming to peace with it but of course it crosses my mind everyday... he's still legally mine I could walk right in their house and take him..no one could say a **** thing..but jeez..how could I take him from what they have to offer...:( I will be ok with this..never again will I choose adoption..if I have another unplanned pregnancy ( god forbid I have learned my lesson) I will keep the baby..but in the meantime..I strive to fix the reason I couldn't keep himmMAKE MY LIFE BETTER! So someday..I can bring a baby into my family comfortably... and there will be no more heartache for me or family. Thank you very much for your post I understand what you're saying , its a smart idea and yes I will def consider my options more in depth. But for now..today...I'm ok
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Please, I urge you to get some counseling. If you cannot, get into a support group for woman that are feeling some of the same pain you are feeling. Good luck. Please attempt to stop being so hard on yourself. You gave the adoptive parents two gifts that only you could have given them. I believe your children will be fine. It's is time to take care of yourself and mend. You are a hero in my eyes.
