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My daughter was born when I was 15, which was 22 yrs ago and my mother put her up for adoption. We have found each other now and are planning to meet for the first time. 2 Questions I have: I was raped which, since we've been talking, the nightmares have started again and its very unsettling to think of seeing her even though the circumstances were neither of our fault and i love her, she's my daughter! So many mixed emotions right now. Secondly, how do I even begin to explain this to my now 17 yr old daughter that doesn't know anything about her or what happened?
Thank you. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Your dates are confusing. If this happened 22yrs ago, how is she only 17, and who did the reuniting of a minor. She is very young to understand the circumstances. I went through this but son was 27 when we united. A grown man..You can #1, Lie, dream up an unknown one night stand..probably not the best, as she will look forever for him..or #2, do what I did, and spit out the truth, BUT her age at 17, I am concerned that the truth may be too much for her to handle..if she was 21 or so, much easier..If you lie to her now, and then later change the story, she will not like being lied to. I would see advice from a counselor before you meet and perhaps have one with you when you unite, so the counseler can help her with the emotions of.."OMG..my father was a rapist of a child" what a burden for one so young.IMO only..others may differ.
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I think you misunderstood.Her reunited daughter is 22 years old, her daughter at home is 17 years old. Shes trying to tell her younger daughter what happened and why.That said, the truth will always be correct. The 17 year old is old enough to understand the situation.God Bless and best of luck to you and your family.
Does your daughter know she was conceived as the result of a rape or is this something you need to tell her? She will at some point ask about her birthfather, and I think honesty is the best and only way to go.
Can you get counseling to help prepare you to have this discussion with her if you already haven't? It might also be a good idea to get counseling to help you with the recurring nightmares and other feelings this is bringing up for you. I'm sure it's not easy and you don't want it to color your reunion in a negative way.
One of the ladies at my triad support group had a child conceived through rape. She wasn't ready to relive or reveal all the details, but when asked about the birthfather, she said "it was a very bad situation and he was not a good man and I had no contact with him before or since" or something to that effect. She wasn't ready to say any more at that point, and expressed this to her son, who seemed to understand what had happened in so many words. I think it's OK to reveal what you can in stages without having to go into all the gory and painful details.
I don't have other children, so I don't know what to say about telling your 17 year old. I think she is old enough to handle the truth, it's just a matter of when do you want to tell her. Counseling can help here, too. I think in situations like this, it's best to just be direct and to the point and not get too overwhelming about it. I just told a friend of mine about my son (I know, not nearly the same as telling a child who didn't know), and I was so nervous, but just told her in a very natural and matter-of-fact way, and it was totally fine. My fears were unfounded as I thought she's be shocked and wasn't sure if she would be understanding, but she was very much so.