Please help...

I emailed the AW and let her know we are stopping the adoption. Its killing me. I don't think much has been held back at this point. There are some things that trickled in over the past ten months. We are close to the child's previous foster mother. It seems like we just got these little bits of info along the way that have gone into this bigger picture. I really appreciate all you have said. Its a hard wake up call. Not really the conclusion we want to come to, but we have to face the reality.

I emailed the AW and let her know we are stopping the adoption. Its killing me. I don't think much has been held back at this point. There are some things that trickled in over the past ten months. We are close to the child's previous foster mother. It seems like we just got these little bits of info along the way that have gone into this bigger picture. I really appreciate all you have said. Its a hard wake up call. Not really the conclusion we want to come to, but we have to face the reality.

It may be a hard wake up call, but as you say, this is the reality of the situation. And I want to add this as well: *YOU* have done all you can do. Don't blame yourselves for the fact this child cannot live in your home. IMO, your caseworkers and the system fail/failed this child long ago and hoped that you would/could pick up the mess they contributed to-and bring this child back into normalcy. That's a pretty tall order for anyone. *You* are doing what you feel is best for everyone and that in itself speaks to responsibility and caring for what's in this child's best interest. Keep us updated and feel free to come back here for support. Many of us know what you're going through-first hand. Sincerely, Linny

A big hug for you. I know this wasn't an easy decision for you. Sometimes all of the love, willingness, knowledge, and determination that we have is just not enough for the amount of damage that has been to a particular child. This is hard to accept but it is the grim reality. Know that you did all that you could do.

Hugs for you. I know this is hard. You have to do what is best for you, your family and this child.Know you've done your best. And come back and talk to us. We'll be here to support you.

The childs previous foster mom wants him back. She has always loved him so much and only wanted him to have the chance to have two parents. Now that it isn't going well she wants him. At first I felt relief but now I just feel terrible sadness. I believe this is what he has wanted and I believe that its whats best for him but its just not how I thought this was going to turn out. I don't know how we are going to get through letting him go. I cant imagine our future without him anymore than I can imagine it with him. I just don't know how to do this...

In reading these post, you have been given amazing caring advice. We just disrupted after 10 years :). It has been heartbreaking for all involved. We had similar doubts going into the final stage, but I could not imagine our lives with out her. Our home was like what Linny described. We had alarms on doors, intensive in home services. We used every service available to us and the final recommendation by our crisis team was remove her. I only wish love was enough to save these kids. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We are just starting the healing process for our family.

For those of us who disrupt or reverse an adoption, it is NEVER how we imagined our families to turn out...but sadly, for some of us, this is the reality. I think if facts were truly known, there are many more disruptions than most know and it's only kept 'secret' because the child/ren is being raised by relatives or other known caregivers. Raising children who have been sorely neglected/abused isn't an easy task and truly, some of these kids have been damaged so badly, there's just no way they can live in a traditional home. And then, there are also adoptive parents who do this type of work (dealing with extremely difficult children) and do it very well. We, obviously, were not those kinds of parents. Maybe if some of us had only ONE child who was this damaged, things might have gone differently. But the fact is, most adoptive families hope for more than one child and so, when one is actually causing harm to the others in the home.....it's a choice and not an easy one for sure. Just know....*you* have done your best. If being raised by the prior foster mom is what fits best for the child---that's the best thing ever. It doesn't mean you're not a good mom or family. It means this child needed more than you can/could offer. That's not failure. The failure would have been if you would have done nothing at all and finalized. Sincerely, Linny

Run -- do not walk -- from finalizing this placement. Your first responsibility is to your existing child. Most social workers would not even recommend placing a child who has been the victim of sexual and/or physical abuse in a home with other small children, especially if the child has already shown a tendency to hurt others and to act out sexually while in your home. I'm actually shocked that the social worker would push for finalization and not for removal of the child from your home. Even if such a child can be healed, it will be a long, slow process, and you do NOT want your other child endangered until the healing occurs -- if it occurs. You cannot protect your other child 24 hours a day, no matter how hard you want to try, and a child who hurts or molests others WILL figure out exactly when you aren't watching. Even if such a child can be healed, he/she needs to live in a childless home, or in a residential facility where monitoring can be 24/7, at least initially. Remember that, with many children like this one, things will only get worse as they get older, stronger, and more independent. By the time this child starts school, you will also be worrying about the phone calls from parents whose children he bullied or tried to entice into sexual acts, or from teachers whom he threatened to stab with scissors. You will need to spend thousands of dollars looking for a private school that will take children like him, on top of all the therapy you are already providing, because the public schools will remove him. You also need to nurture your marriage. Too many marriages fall apart when parents need to be on duty 24/7, protecting themselves and their other children from a child who is a danger to himself/herself and to other people. You and your spouse need time to be a couple, to enjoy parenting, and to sleep and relax like normal folks! You are trying to be Superman and Superwoman, and that just won't work. Yes, I know that you will be sad when the child leaves. You will remember the "good" days, when he convinced you that he loved you and would try to be a good boy, even though what you heard was his RAD or conduct disorder talking and trying to manipulate you. Perhaps, if he winds up in a good situation, you can visit him regularly, so that he "may" see that adults do love and care about him, even though he is not able to live with them. Just don't let him manipulate you into bringing him home -- and, believe me, he will try. And don't beat yourselves up for "failing" in your efforts to help the child. You tried your best, but no one in your situation should be parenting him. He probably can't live in a family at all, at least right now, and if he can be placed in a family later, it will need to be one with no young children, with special training in therapeutic parenting, with the ability to create a highly structured environment, and with access to respite care and otherservices. Sharon

Well I feel this needs an update. Even after all the great advice we decided we had to stick it out. We signed off on adoption with a three month supervision. Two weeks ago he strangled another child at school to the point the child was turning purple by the time she saw what was happening. Teacher said they were not fighting. She had no idea anything was going on. We were able to reverse our adoption petition and ask that he be moved. He will be moved in the next couple weeks. After everything it is sad but not as sad as when we initially wanted to disrupt. At that time I felt like we were just trying to get out of the hard stuff. I just didnt want to fight the fight but now I know 100% without a doubt this was about saving my DS life. I know now I have done the right thing and I can sleep at night. At the end of the day I am just thankful we did not close the adoption and that we were able to finally do the right thing.

Well I feel this needs an update. Even after all the great advice we decided we had to stick it out. We signed off on adoption with a three month supervision. Two weeks ago he strangled another child at school to the point the child was turning purple by the time she saw what was happening. Teacher said they were not fighting. She had no idea anything was going on. We were able to reverse our adoption petition and ask that he be moved. He will be moved in the next couple weeks. After everything it is sad but not as sad as when we initially wanted to disrupt. At that time I felt like we were just trying to get out of the hard stuff. I just didnt want to fight the fight but now I know 100% without a doubt this was about saving my DS life. I know now I have done the right thing and I can sleep at night. At the end of the day I am just thankful we did not close the adoption and that we were able to finally do the right thing.

I just want to send hugs to you. i'm sure this was a difficult decision. One thing I will echo: If you decide to adopt again, please go with a child younger than your bio. These children need so much more, and there is a reason that on many adoption sites, profiles read: "Must be the only/youngest child." My heart goes out to all of you.

{{HUGS}} to you, mmbreb. I know that was hard. But I'm glad you saw what could happen before the adoption was completed, and you could still stop it. You did the right thing, and every time you look at your young child I hope you realize it again. hugs.

Absolutely. And to also second the previous poster....should you adopt again, please choose a child who is much younger than your child at home now. It is so important to do this when our children are young. Good luck! Sincerely, Linny

Our family is going though the painful decision to disrupt but don't know how to do it. The adoption agency suggested another agency in a different State that provides those services but nobody has come forward wanting to provide a home for our daughter. Does anyone have any insight as where or how we can find a new home for her? Help!!!