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We will be finalizing our foster daughter's adoption in a couple weeks. We have contact with the grandparents who had adopted our daughter's biomom. So technically they can't really be called the bio grandparents, but not sure how else to word it!
Anyway, we will be having a number of family and friends attending the finalization with us, going out to eat afterward and etc. I can't decided whether to invite the grandparents as this is a very exciting day for us, and for them it is a painful time. They are having a hard time being positive about adoption as their daughter has bipolar and gave them a hard time.
Am I being selfish for not wanting to have them there? I don't really feel like dealing with their issues on our special day. Another complication is that we were not really their "dream" family for their grandaughter. Single mom with four other adopted and foster children. I feel we have developed a respectful relationship as a whole, but I am still conscious of the fact they they complained severely to the caseworker about the fact that they chose me to adopt her.
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I don't think it's selfish at all for you not to invite them. I think that day is to have those closest to you who were there for you to support you on your adoption journey and who will be there to support you 100% as a family as you move forward--those who are excited for you. If it were an event that were just about your daughter, like maybe a birthday or something, you may feel like you want to allow them to celebrate in some way (maybe separately from other family if it's hard for them) but this is a celebration of your whole family, and imo should be those who are excited for all of you and will add to the joy of that special day. Enjoy!
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My feeling on this is always that the adoption should be for your family and those happy about it. There have always been discussions on here and other boards about inviting BPs and GPs to the event. My feeling on it is, it is our family's special day, and it's not fair that you'll have to worry about their feelings. It's admirable that you want to. Trust me, I am struggling with this too (our BM asked us to adopt, we are planning on an open adoption, so it has been tossed around if we should invite her).
Our kids biogrands ask to come to the finalization and we said no. I wanted it to be a celebration and gma would have cried like someone had just died. I understand her grief but didn't want it at our finalization.
It was the kids day to officially become part of our family and it turned out great.
We have open adoption with Mom, aunts and grandma. However even thought we let them know about the day, we choose not to invite them for the same reasons, some others have mentioned. That was our day, we were happy, but for them it was a sad day. We just wanted to show our love to our kids, and be with people that would not confused them. As some times is not about us or the bio's is what is the best for the children. - Live is alrady confusing to them to add more to it.:coffee:
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I wouldn't invite them. It's a day to celebrate the child's new beginning. Having them there, especially if there might be negativity wouldn't be a good thing.
I would suggest the possibility of doing something with the grandparents at another time ... Something to re-enforce that just because the child has been adopted, she's not gone from their lives.