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My mother had me when she was 16 - I don't remember my birth father but I do know that he was around for a while because my mom had a second child with him, my brother who is almost 2 years younger than me. There were never pictures of him around and I have no memory of a child spending any time with him. My mom met and married a wonderful man when I was 8 - he adopted my brother and I 2 years later. I have never heard anything from my birth father and I have never sought him out, I consider my adopted dad my dad and have never thought otherwise.
Yesterday I received a message on Facebook from a man claiming to be my birth father - I asked my mom if it was true and she said yes, he was very polite and wanted to know if I wanted to get to know him and his family - I told him I needed some time to think about it.
I know some people jump at this opportunity but I have some serious reservations - I'm 28, why has he taken so long to ever seek me out, especially since he lives only an hour or so away? My mother is very against any sort of contact between us, she won't even discuss it - I'm not sure how my dad feels about it as I have never really talked to him, I don't want to risk those relationships just to meet my birth father. I also have 2 very young children - and call me protective but I don't expose them to just anyone, I'm pretty selective. I guess I'm just looking for some advice - I'm not really sure how to go forward - I feel like the door has now been opened and can't be closed again - I generally have no idea what the best thing to do is. Any advice from those who have been in this situation?
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Wow. That had to be quite the shock. Let me give you my normal disclaimer, it is perfectly OK for you to not want to meet your birthfather, or have a relationship with him. That's fine. I can also understand your hesitation about your children. That being said...It may be nice to talk with him, get medical info that you may need, or could benefit your kids later. Even if you don't want to do this now, it might be wise to leave the door open for later.Why did he look now? Who knows? Maybe he didn't want to interrupt your life, and realized you had a family. Maybe he's grown up and feels he needs to be open in case you need him. Maybe... you see where this is going. It's pretty common for birthparents to feel they don't have the right. I imagine the fact that you stayed with your Mom would have to be pretty intimidating from his point of view.Most of our birthparents are perfectly normal people. Nothing to worry about exposing our kids to. Of course, caution is always a good rule!As far your your Mom and Dad go... with all due respect, it isn't their choice. I totally get respecting them, not wanting to rock the boat and all that stuff. Been there, done that. It's a horrible predictament. Just meeting your birthdad will NOT make your Dad any less of your Dad. Maybe you should talk to him without Mom there. She may very well be trying to protect both of you. Again, if this isn't something you want, then there is nothing wrong with saying no, asking for more time, or whatever. Sometimes having our bparents enriches our lives, and our understanding of who we are. It is an emotional undertaking. You may want to read some and get an idea of what it's like. Good luck! I hope whatever you decide is something that leaves you at peace and happy.
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brinley_s
I also have 2 very young children - and call me protective but I don't expose them to just anyone, I'm pretty selective. I guess I'm just looking for some advice - I'm not really sure how to go forward - I feel like the door has now been opened and can't be closed again - I generally have no idea what the best thing to do is. Any advice from those who have been in this situation?
I am not an adoptee so therefore can't give you any advice on the reunion side of things. I will say that I am pretty protective of my kiddo and don't allow access to her to very many people. She is not on my facebook page at all because I have a lot of friends on facebook that I haven't seen or really talked to in years, so I don't feel I know them well enough to let them have access to her there. So I would allow your bio dad access to your kids in the same way you would any other person you don't really know. You can always allow more access, but once you have opened the door to a certain level of openness with your kids, it's hard to go back.