The Serenity Prayer

The first part of The Serenity Prayer is the hardest part for me. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... Whew, that is such a concept...serenity and acceptance, which have never come easily to me. The prayer shows that serenity does not come from within ourselves, however, but rather from a Higher Power, whether that be God, Goddess, Universe, Cosmos, Fate.To accept the things I cannot change...I cannot change the past. I cannot take back my decision to place my son for adoption. I cannot fix what was broken in both our lives as a result of that decision. What went down back then was extremely unfortunate, tragic on many levels, but the reality is that it's my signature on the surrender documents. The reality is that it was my decision, and no one put a gun to my head. Having few choices and very little room to navigate during the Baby Scoop Era does not make me a victim. A survivor, perhaps, but not a victim...So I take all responsibility for what happened, and I will live with it until the day I die. But that doesn't mean I have to live with guilt or regret or self-hatred. As my friend is always saying, no blame, no darn blame. The first part of The Serenity Prayer helps me to forgive myself, to quit blaming myself...to accept myself with all my faults and weaknesses.What does it mean to you?

I have found the serenity prayer helpful to refer to when I feel frustrated by it all. It helps me to remind me that though I will never get to meet my birthmother, that I can get to know my other relatives and that I am learning from my journey (eg I have learnt so much being on these forums). I suppose with the last line "the wisdom to know the difference", I don't know that I have quite acquired that wisdom yet but I do know that I am learning to accept that things are as they are and moving forward is the only way. One thing that fills me with hope for the future re adoption journey is that there are still relatives to meet, stories to hear and that is something to look forward to :) By the way, Ravensong, on a personal note, your wisdom has helped me over the last year and I know that many others have been helped by your wisdom throughout the years. You have just reminded me of an article I read in a magazine lately (unfortunately no copy of it is on the internet) entitled "Searching for closure, why you might be wasting your time" where it stated that too many times, we go to extraordinary lengths for closure when sometimes closure is not possible, we just have to learn to live with our pain instead by accepting and navigating around it -quote "A fundamental part of being human is to accept, and then naigate around what life throws at us - not to shred the pain files and forget it ever happened.. By letting go of the need for closure, we may gain more than we know". Perhaps the wisdom comes in knowing when closure is possible and when it isn't and dealing with it accordingly. Btw It had some sensible advice - I had planned on starting a thread about it a few weeks ago but the article is so long lol. Interestingly, one of the examples used in the article is about a birthmother (J) who had surrendered her child 30 years ago and has now reunited -people have expected that because they have happily reunited she must now have closure but that it is not that simple - she says closure suits the people around her better than it does her but that she has freed herself from the expectation of closure even if her friends haven't. Part of the quote further down is this"J has found a way to make room for episodes of intense angst while still - to borrow a phrase from Oprah - "living her best life". She has close relationships with her family, laughs "daily" and loves her job, but also acknowledges that pain is an inescapable human emotion. So as much as we'd love to access a fast-acting analgesic, our inability to resolve certain losses may serve some noble and even functional purposes, shaping our character, providing hard-earned wisdom and reaffirming what makes us truly happy"

A more specific example in my case might be this: I thought very long and hard about the wisdom of contacting my biological family as I knew I was doing it for my own benefit - after all, they didn't necessarily need to know that their sister/aunt had had a baby they didn't know about. However, I was very respectful about doing so and I do know that some relatives have said that learning of my existence has made them understand my bmother a bit better. However, lately, I had been wondering whether to contact my bmother's widower and has decided that it was not in HIS best interest. I might have liked to do it but I didn't think it would be fair on him. So I realise that what was fine in one instance is not necessarily fine in another instance. OK, it is not an exact correlation, I know, but it is the best I can think of at the moment. Btw the latter decision has sort of been taken out of my hands as my bmother's widower doesn't have long to live so obviously I am not going to speak to him now.

The older I get, the more I'm convinced that closure is not possible in some cases...acceptance, yes; closure, no. I think the beauty of The Serenity Prayer is that it teaches us to accept ourselves and our lives...to accept the things we cannot change.I don't know what closure would mean in my own experience of relinquishing a child for adoption. I doubt that I will ever experience a total sense of closure for what I did, for the circumstances leading up to it, for the end result of serious damage being done to two human beings, three if you count my son's natural father. I can, however, accept what happened...because I cannot change it.The courage to change the things we can... The second part of The Serenity Prayer is powerful stuff. We accept the things we cannot change...but we change the things we can, with courage. And sometimes it just takes plain old courage and resolve and tenacity to change what wrongs have been done to us...and to change the wrongs we've done to others.The second part of The Serenity Prayer gave me strength to became involved in adoption reform and the fight to give adoptees access to their birth records. It is something that I *can* help to change. It is a way that I can help right the wrongs that were done to the mothers and children of the Baby Scoop Era.I've also used this part of the prayer many times in relation to a terrible experience I went through as a young adult. When I was 21, I was kidnapped by three men outside the hospital I worked at, repeatedly raped, and then left for dead in a back alley. A few years later, I became an outreach worker and counselor for a Rape Crisis Center, as well as my university's Women's Center. That was something that I could change---I could help other women come to see themselves as survivors, not merely victims. I could help change attitudes among law enforcement and help change police procedures during interviews with rape suvivors. I could help change the sentencing laws for rapists. I cannot change my past; I can't obliterate the actual experience...but I can change some things that came about because of that experience.

It's always interesting to see what people think is an appropriate gift for a pastor. Over the years I have been given framed copies of the Lord's Prayer, and plaque of "the Pastor's Prayer", several copies of the Serenity Prayer - one that was a also a music box with a little dove that magnetically moved around across the prayer... From where I'm sitting right now, I can see two copies. For me, Raven, it's the line "the wisdom to know the difference." As the pastoral leader of a congreation, I see so many things that need to change (IMO!) and very few that I can actually change myself. Serenity is not easy to acheive! I agree that closure is not attainable in many situations, adoption among them. Conviction of a murderer doesn't bring closure to the loved ones of the victim; he/she is still dead. Being in reunion has certainly brought more pain and sorrow than I experienced for years as I came to terms with his place in my life now and grieved in a new way all that I had missed.

Kathy, a friend of mine who is a television newsreporter was sent up to San Quentin in the 1990's to witness an execution. She said that on the way out, she stopped to talk to the victim's family, who had also witnessed the execution. She asked them if they thought the murderer's execution would bring them closure...and they said no. They had actually tried to intervene with the governor earlier in the day and asked for his death sentence to be commuted to life without parole. One of the reasons they gave the governor was that his execution wasn't going give them any closure or bring their daughter back.And the wisdom to know the difference...The final line is the kicker, the foundation so to speak, of the whole prayer...it's what comes first before serenity and acceptance or courage and change. We have to discern the things in our lives that must be accepted from the things that we can change or have control over. And that's pretty darn difficult, if you ask me.The one thing that helps me when I'm applying The Serenity Prayer to a specific area of my life is to sit down with pen and paper and list all the facets of whatever problem I'm facing. Sometimes just seeing it in black and white helps me in deciding if it's something that I can change, or if it's something that I need to accept. And then I sleep on it...give it a rest. In Twelve-Step programs, they have a saying, "Let go and let God..." That concept, combined with The Serenity Prayer, has worked wonders in my life. I just wish I'd remember to do it more often, lol. I can really mess things up when I try to make them more complicated than they have to be.I've reached an age where I find myself wanting to simplify things around me...take care of the important stuff...and let go of the unimportant stuff. I think The Serenity Prayer is helping me to focus a bit better...become a little more centered and balanced.