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Hi, I remember about 3 years ago when I was dealing with lots of issues when we became foster parents to our 3month old niece(who is now our AD who is 3 1/2!) this site trully helped me...Well now I have a question regarding our OA agreement. I live in MA and 2 years ago we went to court and our niece became our AD..We agreed with my DH's sister that we would settle for an OA so that she wouldn't have to go to court and lose any sort of contact with her birth daughter(she would have definitely lost) Anyway, looooong story but my dh and I do not have any relationship with BM other than what it states in the OA agreement..Our 3 1/2 yr old AD has seen her bm 2x since the 2009 adoption and knows that "Auntie N" is also her bm(but she was just a baby so the only mom she ever really knew was me)..My SIL is totally still in denial(believes we stole her daughter) and still wants to call herself momma and we strongly believe she is still using, etc....My question is that she has many times not done what the OA says to do for example for her very first visit it was written that she needed to show us written proof that she completed a rehab prgm...That never happened (I had to call her probation officer and he said she completed it so I let her see bd) Also she missed a visit b/c she didn't call to confirm the day before.....Now recently she is starting to send my AD letters signed Momma which she knows is inappropriate and we've told her many times we would like her to stop that...In the OA agreement it states she is allowed to send BD 2 letters/year but she has sent more than that...At the end of the OA it does state that if she violates any of this agreement, we no longer are obligated to commit to see her....................so my question, how legal is it and can my dh and I at this point say, we are under no obligation unless we feel it would be beneficial to our AD????We are just sick of playing her games and we have followed the OA agreement 100%!!!!! Sorry so long but any input????? Thanks in advance
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I also have an OA out of MA with a relative's BD. BM also has substance issues. From what i understand, the process is simple.
You need to document the reasons you feel the OA is in default. Dates, times, specific breaches. Thats all you're required to do
If it were me, I'd notify BP why i believed the contract was in breach
Once visitation ceases, its up to the BP to petition the court to review the issues. All related court costs are hers. A GAL reviews and advises the court with his summary.
The court can order you to respect the original OA IF they feel you broke the rules prematurely. However, they can't arrest you or undo the adoption
good luck to you
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Thanks for responding.. I think in May when I see bp again I will let her know that she was in breach of the OA agreement and why...Luckily I have documented EVERYTHING having to do with her since we got our AD 3 years ago!!! If the OA agreement states shes allowed to send 2 letters to her bd and she sends 3 or 4, do you think a court would be on our side??? There have been other things she's done and I'm sort of mad at myself for helping her out....Like I said, for her first visit with bd she was supposed to give us a signed, completed written form stating she completed a rehab tx program and she never did that but I helped her out and contacted her probation officer and he said she did.....but still in the OA is said she was supposed to give us the proof so would that play into this if she did that and sent more letters than she was supposed to???? Thanks so much for the reply and for the great advice....it really helps!!!!!
Too many letters would be a tough sell. But you'd be within your rights to tell her, no more than 2 letters per year will be chared - and either send them back unopened, or store them away for when the kids are older.
as for the written proof, since to let that visit occur, that's not cause.
the missed visits can be cause. Does your OA say anything about them? Mine state, 2 no shows, or showing up impaired are cause for ending all visits.
Thanks again for your reply and everything you said makes perfect sense..Thanks I needed to hear what others would do...Yes our OA has same as yours, 2 missed visits or if we feel she's using, we can end visit.. It's so hard when it's family and I know this is just the beginning..My dh's sister(the bm) has been told many times that she can't call herself momma to our AD or in letters b/c it's not appropriate and we feel it will confuse our AD(she's only known me as mama b/c she has been with us since 3 months!! We have a bad relationship with bm and our entire family(on dh's side) has been torn apart b/c of her. And when I get letters in the mail signed love momma, sometimes I just lose it, but I have to keep things in perspective I guess...It really is helpful to listen to others who are in similar situations though!!! So thanks again, you truly helped me!!!Take care for now.......
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In MA the burden is on the bparent to demonstrate to the Court that the OA should be enforced. In cases that started with foster care, many bparents lack the skill necessary to figure out how to file with the Courts. And if they do get the appropriate paperwork filed with the Court, it is not without risk. The law says that upon review, the Court may (1) enforce the original agrement as is; (2) modify the agreement to reduce the obligations of the AP; or (3) terminated the agreement and end all obligation on the AP. The Court cannot ever modify an OA to place any additional obligations on the AP.
That being said, I don't think the Court will give much weight to "too many letters". Unless she was barraging you with mail daily, I would probably just put the letters in a box for a later date.
But the suspicion that she may still be using - that the Court will care very much about. And if that is your reason for closing the adoption or not allowing further visits - the Court is likely to support you.
As for her calling herself mama - my guess is that it will play itself out as your daughter gets older and develops her own understanding of her story. When our son was about four he started asking questions about his adoption and where he came from. By five he understood that he was born to one mom but that she could not take care of him. He talks openly about having two moms and two dads - and for him it seems to be a healthy way to understand and process. He calls his first mom by her name, but during the last visit did talk with her about being his mom. And it was fine.
My situation is a little different because I'm not dealing with a relative adoption, but similar in that we are dealing with a first mom who doesn't really understand why she can't parent.
I hope you are getting the support you need here.
Good luck on your journey.
Wow what amazing people you are, not to mention intelligent and compassionate!!!! I absolutely love that I posted here and will keep doing so!!! I wish I could help others like you helped me...Just from these few posts, I've learned something so really, thank you!!! My ad is 3 1/2 and we have always been open and honest with her and she is a remarkable little girl,..She knows that Auntie N was her birth mom and she couldn't take care of her but she did grow in her belly..Our AD has an older brother and sister(my bd and bs) who are amazing with her and she knows they may have grown in mommy's belly but as she says, "I grew in her heart" I know she'll grow up to be a confident, caring, well rounded young girl because we LOVE her so much and she knows what a very important part she is to our family.. Thanks again for your thoughts and words of encouragement!!!