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We will hopefully be adopting a newborn in the next month or so and I have been reading lots of information about attachment and bonding in adoption. Some articles I have read say that no one else except the parents should hold the baby or visit for at least the first three weeks so we can establish a bond with our new child. My parents and my husbands parents are both going to want to visit the new baby since it will be their first grand baby. My Mom is already talking about coming to visit for an entire week. My parents live out of state and so do his parents so they will have to stay with us during their visit. My Mom said she doesn't want to visit at the same time as my in-laws so she can be selfish and have more time with the baby... So if we have three weeks with the baby to ourselves and then my parents come for all of week 4 and the in laws for all of week 5....will that be too much on the baby?? I don't know if I'm being too overprotective and I definitely don't want to hurt my family's feelings, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it and if it impacted the bonding process with their child? I've considered telling them they can only come for 4 days max and there has to be some time in between the two visits. Is that too cruel? Thanks!
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We adopted a 3yo child so it was a little different, but the issues with the grandparents are the same. It is great that they are so excited and they are treating this like their first grandchild. You might want to tell them you want to encourage this attachment just as much as they do. However, your first job is to ensure your child attaches to you and your husband first.
If either set of parents would do it, send them a good adoption book that talks about attachment to the parents, why it is different with adopted babies. Then talk to them about this being very important to you, that your time with you will be for them to support you and your husband attaching with the baby and not for them to attach to the baby. I would tell them how much you will need them there to help and support you being a first time mom & dad. If you can have this conversation now it should relieve a whole host of problems you will have later. If they can't listen or don't want to be supportive of what you are trying to do, then you know you need to limit visits and create time between the visits. Maybe they will get it and work hard to ensure the bonding occurs first with the parents.
Final hint, make sure your husband is fully on board with the decisions you make about visiting time and what the grandparents job is while they are there so you have a united front. That way it isn't you being overprotective, you both have made a decision together.
Good luck - I assumed the in-laws understood because they had adopted and instead I'm still having conversations around why they can't have dd (5yo) for 2 weeks in the summer, instead she is ready for them to take her for an afternoon on their own in our town. I wish I had the upfront conversation with them, instead of assuming they understood.
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I def think that with a newborn it wouldn't really matter (but I have been wrong before). With children that are older I would suggest only very short visits with others. We always explained before visiting or visitors that they were not allowed to give or get the children anything. The children needed to learn that we would meet their needs.
Three weeks alone with you and then two with Grandparents equals a lot of love for that precious little one!
I think you can set some ground rules - things like you are the only one to feed the baby, or respond if the baby cries, but newborns sleep ALOT and it's not going to hurt the baby for it to be cuddled by grandma or grandpa during those early days -- and trust me, getting and accessing support is a good, good thing :)
We adopted a newborn (7 weeks old) She is 100% securly attatched. Grandma and grandpa and nana and pawpaw and aunts and uncles all visited and held her. I bonded with her the second I laid eyes on her. Babies can easily attatch with more than one person. I don't think you need to worry about the baby knowing who you are. They just instinctively know. My little girl would sleep better when I was sitting next to her in the NICU. Then when I left, she was wide awake and couldn't sleep. The nurses would call me in to help get her back to sleep!
I think that the "parents only" for three weeks thing is for older adopted kids. I can see how that would have been helpful with my older kids, but as far as a newborn is concerned, no.
If it helps you feel better, then be the only one to feed her/him.
Let your family come and share your joy....and HELP YOU for goodness sakes. You are gonna be TIRED! lol