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A little background... We have an open adoption after fostering our 6yo son whom we've had since infancy. His bgp's are amazing and his bp's try but they have mental health issues. We consider them extended family.
Last fall, birthmom had a child which she is going to try and raise. Out of the blue, my son asked me why momma(name) is keeping Audrey but didn't keep him:eek: Okay, so we talked about that.
The issue....
His birthmom calls me shortly after having the baby. She inquires about how he feels about it. I answered honestly and she got upset. "Why did you tell me that? Now I feel bad."
I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. The tone and way she phrased the question made me believe she was mature enough for a honest answer. Did she really think he would be elated?
On the other hand, since I usually only report the good news perhaps I should have been more vague.
Our son has blessed our live immeasurably and I will be forever grateful to her for that. I just feel like a phony passing ourselves off as if we live in a utopia where he always behaves, is a genius and a pillar of the community.
Has anyone else ever had to deal with this?
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I believe the saying "sometimes the truth hurts" We only have an open adoption where I post blogs and pictures of the children. I am constantly rewording my posts so that I don't insult or hurt the bio family. Problem is that my children's issues/dx are a direct result of neglect and alcohol use. Sometimes I feel like you expressed, the fake always happy and healthy family. After about a year of posting "fluff" I decided to get real. I post the truth. Honestly and with as much curtisy as I can but I couldn't find anything to say any longer that didn't involve the children's dx. So far we haven't had any issues. Hope it stays that way. I have to say that you handled it just fine. You were honest and truthful.
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We have a similar situation - 5 year old son we adopted from fostercare. He has been with us since 11 months old. Open adoption with visits 2x per year. Bmom has big cognitive delays.
When he was three, she was mad at us, believing that we weren't "honest" with him about his adoption. The reallity was that we talked about his adoption, read books about adoption and were (are) very open about his adoption. But he just didn't have the verbal skills to communicate that he understood that she is his bmom.
At our last visit he made a comment to her about how she cared for him when he lived with her. She was amazed and thrilled.
One challenge that can happen in open adoption is that bparents who have no experience parenting a child can have expectations about child development and behavior that are unrealistic. (Just like my brother, who has no kids, has unrealistic expectations about how my children should behave when we are visiting.)
I am always honest with my son's bmom, and sometimes it is an effort to be honest in a gentle way. A few weeks ago I was talking with her about "n" her other son (my boy's younger 1/2 brother) and she asked me if I think she would ever see both of her boys together "and just be a mom". I took a deep breath and said, "do I think you will ever have time alone with both boys, no. Do I think that you will ever have custody of N? . no. but if N's foster mom adopts him, we are both committed to the boys seeing each other and are willing to schedule visits so that you can visit them and see them together." It was a hard conversation to have.
You are doing the right thing. Speaking the truth gently.
Good luck on your journey.
[QUOTE=wrekdiver]She inquires about how he feels about it. I answered honestly and she got upset. "Why did you tell me that? Now I feel bad."QUOTE]
Her response was pretty self-centered, which is not unusual for someone with mental illness issues. She needs to understand this isnt about her feelings, it's about your son's feelings. Her response just indicates to me that she just wants "feel good" answers to her inquiries so that she will feel okay.
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