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My husband and I have been in an international adoption for a year and a half. We have had very little to no support from my family at all. My family is very close and my husband and I have always been supportive of all my siblings decisions but we have recieved nothing but negative reactions and rude comments. We have really been hurt and have closed up a lot about talking about the adoption. We don't have very much support from our church either so both combinations have made this journey very hard for us but we've come to terms with it. This is our first child and we are adopting because we feel God has led us to start our family that way. We aren't infertile as far as we know and frankly have never tried to find out. We've made this clear to those around us and have shared our testimony but their lack of interest or care has made us be a bit more private. Meanwhile we continue to interact with our family, babysit for my nieces and nephews, and talk on the phone regularly. I have a close and happy relationship with everyone (although I do hurt by their lack of care). Our adoption is never brought up. However, recently another sibling has decided to adopt a child as well. She has other children but feels God has led them to adoption as well. We think this is wonderful and have been very supportive despite their reactions towards us in the beginning. However, my family and friends reactions to their adoption is what is really hurting and burdening me. While we recieved little to no support at all, and continue to feel that, my sibling is recieving loads of support from everyone. Even to my face my family talks openly about how wonderful they are and their testimony is but fails to even talk about my adoption. I don't understand this. I'm so happy for my sibling that she is recieving this support because I know how badly she needs it, and how badly I need it. I'm not sure how to react. I've been very discouraged and tearful recently because I'm just not sure how to react in these circumstances. I really need my friends and family, and have for the past year and half but I continue to be ignored. How would you tell me to handle this situation?
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i'm somebody who doesn't hide things, so i would put it right on the table. i'd invite the entire family for a sunday dinner, and at the start of the dinner i'd say "as you all know we are moving ahead with our international adoption. our future child will be coming from _____. we would appreciate it if you could give us as much support as you've all offered (other family member) because we love all of you very much and know that you love us and our future children. We feel very blessed to have a family like this and appreciate the love and support you are offering us through this. We'd like to tell you a little about the country that your future family member is coming from..."
it could be that your family is a little nervous to ask anything or say anything because of the nationality or appearance of your child. my gut feeling is that they are trying to be supportive, but don't know how.
you could make it really fun and have a map of the country up on the wall for them to see, talk about the flight length, the in-country conditions, etc. you could get some brochures from your agency about the children that come from that country and put one at each place setting. you could even make food that is native to the country and serve it for the dinner, have decorations that have to do with the country, etc. i'd make it fun, open and put it all out there. after that i bet some of them will come around. good luck with your adoption!
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Is it possible that your family is less supportive of your international adoption because they don't "believe" that it will really happen? My family could literally not comprehend the process of home studies, translations, notarizations, INS forms, interviews, required visits, etc. that would - eventually - lead to a child. Domestic adoption was more comprehensible -- they knew people who had adopted from the state or from a church agency. They may feel that not talking about it will make it hurt less when it does not happen. My family never believed that I was actually going to get a "real child" - in spite of seeing photos - until the plane reservations were made and I asked them to meet us at the airport!
MamaS I suppose that is possible. However, my sister is also adopting internationally, from the same country as we are. It just doesn't make sense to me. I've expressed my desire for their support in the past and I've heard accusations that I will never love this child as I will a biological child as well as accusations that I'm making a big mistake. But my sibling is doing the same thing now and they're embracing her. I don't understand.
I think it may be because she already has biological children. They may have some faith-based reason for thinking people should have/try to have biological children. They may view her biological children as her "real" God-given children and the child to come as some kind of religious mission/project done for God, if you know what I mean. That is, they are not supporting her creating/building her family through adoption, they are supporting her "testimony" in a faith-based mission to "save" a child. They may feel that "actually" creating your "real family" should be done differently. Same action--international adoption--different contexts. Just to be clear, I am not judging the ethics or morality of any of this, just offering it as what seems like a likely explanation given what you've posted.
I am wondering if perhaps it's a difference in just how the family views you. My husband is the youngest of three children. By all accounts, everyone admits he got the best grades of the three children, he got into the least trouble. However, he still, even in his 40's often treated like he doesn't know what he is doing. It's gotten a little better, but when we first married. (one month after his brother got married) he got questioned on everything we did. We gave birth to the first grandchild, and every step of our parenting was questioned. When we bought a house or got transfered and moved, we were treated like they didn't think we knew what we were doing. Our second son was born less than a year before thier first. They got none of the questions we did, about were we prepared for a child, etc. With both adoptions we were given nothing but negative comments. Though they did love the kids once they were here. Dh has just come to the conclusion that to them he will always be regarded as the "irresponsible baby" of the family. His brother moved far away, but his single sister who has no kids lives only two hours away and is constantly questioning everything we do. We find ourselves telling them less and less of what goes on in our lives, just so we don't have to hear it.
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MomRaine Wow. I am the youngest. Of a very large family actually. That's why it has hurts me so bad...to have so many people be unsupportive. My husband has mentioned that it is probably because I'm the youngest but I try to tell myself that hopefully they aren't treating me differently just because I'm the "baby"..wow. Thank you for posting that. Sometimes hearing it from an outside person has that "aha" factor. My sibling that is adopting and recieving so much support is the oldest.
I have also been dealing with family not being supportive as well. (I don't have the component of another sibling adopting tho.) It's very frustrating (I am the oldest of 7) and I've ALWAYS been there for all of them. I'm like the 2nd mom to some of the younger ones. I am doing foster to adopt and have the children already but haven't actually adopted them yet. I have been VERY let down by my family members. They are unsupportive, don't treat my children as if they are part of the family and make negative statements about them. I never would have expected this. Plus I thought maybe they would even try to do extra things for me to help make my life easier so the adjustment went better. Instead I get this attitude like you chose to do this, you deal with it. It's all very frustrating. I've gotten cold shoulders, my grandfather doesn't even want the kids at his house, etc. So I sympathize with you. Don't have any words of wisdom though since I haven't 'fixed' it yet. :o)
I am so sorry to hear that...we are pretty new to the adoption journey...in our case, I have a few family members who are VERY excited and can't wait to see what the Lord does...but, then there are my other two sisters and ALL of his family how just act like it isn't happening...no comments, no mention that they will be praying, nothing! It does hurt...we all have our fears...we all wonder how things will turn out...but, it is still a worthy pursuit! And, people don't just decide to adopt for no reason! Have you mentioned the adoption recently? Or could they think you said it back then, got negative and let it go? It is hard to imagine why they would be so negative with you and so positive with your sister... You guys are going to be SO blessed by this! I'm just sorry that your family is not being a blessing to you on the journey! I hope you can get this resolved soon...it would be so great if you and your sister could be support for eachother!!
Wow...Bristols...that is harsh! I am really sorry to hear THAT too! =( It's funny how people can be, huh? Circle the wagons so to speak...but, not around you in this case...I am grateful that the family that IS excited lives closer than the family that isn't in our case...but, i sure hope the other half can at least be NICE! These children need LOVE, not rejection! =( Hang in there!
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This must be hard! My brother adopted 10 years ago and my family was very supportive. When my hubby and I announced our plans of adoption (July 2010) they were not. I felt bad! I was angry. But we are now the parents of a beautiful 4 month old boy and the support is amazing! My mom told me that they didn't realize they weren't supportive, but they didn't think we were serious/would follow thru. Family will come around. Pray about this and tell them how you feel. As for your church, I would talk with the pastor (if you feel comfortable) Find out why there is a problem. You may want to remind them that Moses and Esther were adopted and Jesus was raised by a father that wan't biological. And they changed the world! Good luck with your journey and if you need support, feel free to come here. Or you may pray about your calling to that church. We are blessed with a church that is ultra supportive and there are several adopted families in our church. God bless you on this journey!!
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