RAD parents- help!

January 27, 2011

My ds is almost 8 years old, we adopted him at just over 6. I have never felt he had RAD, although he does display some mild symptoms of attachment problems. He is actually very honest and doesn't have rages/tantrums and is not physically violent or destructive. Symptoms he does have:

Lack of impulse control

Superficially charming

affectionate/physical with strangers

inappropriately demanding and clingy

hyperactive, yet lazy in performing tasks

verbalizes (tho infrequently) that he is "bad"

Need to control situations/behaves only when it is on his own terms, although he does respond pretty well to discipline strategies and redirection

He has always struggled in school, but has been praised by his teachers for his good attitude and willingness to keep trying. (I personally think they have been somewhat tricked by his superficial charm and his "playing dumb" and they aren't aware of what he could be doing if he applied himself). But today we got a call from the school that he has been having behavior problems and he won't listen. Example this morning was that she had to ask him 4 times to take his coat off. I am amazed it has taken this long for them to have behavior problems with him, because that seems like pretty typical behavior for him from what I have seen at home.

My question is, in your opinion, is it indicative that he is getting more comfortable at school and that's why he is acting out there too now? OR, do you think this means something is making him feel unsafe and therefore he is trying harder to control the situation? Does he fear getting attached to his teacher? Is he making enough progress and being praised as a good kid scaring him so he has to prove he is bad? What can we do about it, other than maybe increasing attachment parenting strategies? I don't really want him attaching to his teachers, because I fear that could interfere with our relationship at home, but I do want him to understand they are authority figures he must respect and obey.

Sorry to get so long-winded. I really felt some of these issues would go away over time, and they have improved, but I am now wondering if I should be doing more, since he is now acting up at school as well as at home. Thanks in advance!

Lorraine123

January 27, 2011

I sounds to me like he has been acting out at school all along. He has been doing it very passively (playing dumb, charming, manipulating). Now he is doing it more aggressively (defiance). There really is no difference in the child's mind. The reasons and the results are the same - to control those around him. Are you in attachment therapy? That would probably help. And ramp up the attachnment parenting.

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Mom-2-2

January 27, 2011

Lorraine123

Thanks. That's a really good point that it has actually been going on the whole time, just wasn't recognized in the same way (by me, and especially by the teachers). We haven't done any therapy, I have been looking into it lately. I think I was fooling myself to think that all we needed was time and consistency. The improvements we saw at first were so dramatic, but we've made less progress since the first 6 months. He really is good at passive-aggressive manipulation, so it didn't seem so severe that we would have a need for therapy, but obviously he is still hurting and doesn't know how to express it.

jeffw

February 8, 2011

Mom-2-2

Oh, what crazy webs we weave! You've got two options here that are completely opposite and equally valid:

1) Acting out because of fear (social situation, attachment to teacher, whatever)

2) Acting out because he feels safe enough to let himself show.

In our house we are constantly making and breaking behavioral theories. Its all part of the game. We can never get any information from our kids about how they feel. You can possibly find out if there is a kid at school who is teasing or something. Otherwise you probably have to just wait to see what happens.

CovenantCreek

February 8, 2011

It does sound like your son is displaying the passive-aggressive version of an attachment disorder. My daughter isn't exactly like your son, but she's close. To test your son's attachment issues, see if he'll lay on the couch with his head in your lap (or your wife's, since moms are often the hardest for kids to attach with) and let you feed him. When my daughter and I tried this at the therapist's office she had a difficult just keeping her head down; when I would try to put a piece of a cookie in her mouth she was constantly trying to take it away from me to feed herself. Even though she's rarely violent, doesn't throw many tantrums, and doesn't seem to be much of a challenge compared to others, she still doesn't trust me in such a simple act -- after nearly 5 years. The therapist assures me that she is deeply troubled in spite of the minimal signs of outward aggression.

One thing I noticed with my daughter over the years was that as she has gotten older her behavior has changed. When she was 3-5 she never tried to hit me. That really didn't start until last fall, at 7. When she was 6 she started including spitting in some of her tantrums, along with calling me names. She has always tried very hard to behave herself at school, but as she gets older she's seeking inappropriate forms of intimacy with her classmates to fill the void that she isn't letting me fill (yet). My guess is that your son has also figured out the boundaries and is beginning to test them.

One of the latest theories regarding attachment-challenged kids (and is equally applicable to all of us) is that bad behavior and anger is the outward expression of deep seated fear. If we, as parents, can provide the security our child needs the negative reactions to life will disappear. The key for parents is to remember that the child has experienced some major emotional trauma that has adversely affected their cognitive brain development at some point, and to respond in love when the child throws his/her worst at us.