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Hi
Our daughter was placed with us at birth as a foster placement. TPR happened and we were able to adopt her. Our DD is now 5 years old. When whe was a baby, she had one visit with her birthdad. His past caught up with him, and he was not allowed to have any additional visits. We live in a community that is not huge. Birthdad recently made contact with me through my work. We have approached this cautiously. We asked that he meet with our lawyer as a go between. He has requested a picture of DD which is how he found me. We are going to give him some pictures. Birthdad does not know DD's name. Should I put it on the back of the pictures along with her age in them? Do you have any suggestions on how best to approach this situation?
Thanks.
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I have compassion for anyone who's a parent and loses their child. It's a huge thing, whether you're a bioparent, adoptive parent, foster parent, doesn't matter. I'd want him to have a pic. At the same time, with it being a little town, and him knowing at least where you are for work... do you think there's any kidnapping risk? I've been connected thru friends to 2 gals who had their children kidnapped by biodads, one her little boy disappeared for years and years, he was aided by fundamentalists who thought the biodad had converted to their religion. Do you think there's any risk of this? If I thought there was risk of that, I might be tempted to give him older pics, without her name. It's all so strange and difficult, trying to make these decisions. In the case of my long-term fson's dad, he was kidnapping risk and I gave him pictures, but he was still visiting. Biomom I knew wasn't a kidnapping risk, and I wasn't worried she might damage me or my home/car etc.
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We adopted our son from foster care and are in the process of adopting our foster daughter. We have an open adoption with son's bmom but no contact with bdad. We are negotiating with fdaughter's family.
I generally believe that openess is good for kids but that depends on where the parents are at treatment wise (on appropriate meds, out of jail, not in violent relationshiops and sober). If my son's bdad came forward, I would consider contact, but only if he could show me that he is sober.
I would approach this the same way I would approach starting a new school year in a classroom: Start with firm rules/boundaries and ease up as you gain trust. It is always easier on the relationship to start strict and get easier than to start with loose boundaries and have to tighten up.
Good luck on your journey.
We will always communicate and send pictures through our agency after we adopt our FD. I'm not comfortable with them having information about our family. It's just for my FD and my bio son's protection. I do believe having an open relationship if it is safe but you may need to scope it out a little more before giving too much information.