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Hello. I wanted to share my story. It feels good to talk about it when I'm feeling down about it.
A year ago a young girl contacted us about being pregnant and not wanting to keep her baby. She had an on and off relationship with the father of the baby. She told me in the beginning of her pregnancy that she was afraid to tell her mother about choosing adoption. I encouraged her later on in her pregnancy that she needed to discuss her feelings with her mother because sooner or later she would be giving birth. Her mom fought her for a while. There were a few times where the girl was forced to tell me that the adoption was off. Each time we died a little inside. Well eventually her mother came around. We had the opportunity to meet her family and they loved us. When we were leaving the meeting the mother of the BM hugged us and told us the baby would be ours. We went out that day and finished getting things for the nursery. It was a few weeks later we got the call that her mom made her parent. We were depressed for weeks. I never thought in a million years my husband and I would be going through this. I hated myself for having infertility issues. I felt like my husband married a woman that couldn't give him a family they he desperately longed for.
Months moved on. I confided in an old high school friend who had children she told me she would love to give us our dream. I told her thanks for her kind words and forgot about our conversation. I got a text from her a couple months later. This text happened to come in on our anniversary. The text said "I'm pregnant again and I want you guys to adopt it." I was elated. I just knew my friend would never put us through what we had just been through earlier that year. I went to her doctors appointment to confirm her pregnancy. Bought her special prenatal vitamins. I spent time with her just talking about our feelings. Everything was going wonderfully.
One Sunday morning during church I get a voicemail. I waited to listen to the vm til after church. Her voice sounded confused. She told me she needed time. She found out that a different man was the father and she wanted to keep it. I flipped out in sadness and ended all the games that day. We were left hurt and destroyed again. This "friend" is due in a couple weeks and latest word has it that she's adopting to her aunt and uncle that have a 16 year old.
We cry all of the time in sadness. When does the pain stop? When does the longing for a child stop? The nursery is full yet very empty.
We fostered a family friend's baby and it was like a taste of heaven. Giving her back after the parents were released from jail was hard. We were so grateful for the experience.
We want to try adoption again but we are very scared. How did you all move on? Did you try again? Thanks for reading.
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I'm very, very sorry you've been misled and sorrowed by your adoption experiences. Our family has gone through some tough times with adoption too. I'm sure you've heard the people who've told you to grieve...and you should. Take the time, clear your head.
If you're reading this and thinking, 'THAT'S what we've done!' Good.
Now.......take some control of your adoption experience. Really. And yes, it can be done to a point.
I'm guessing you're doing an independent adoption on your own, correct? Have you considered going through an attorney or agency? Consider it. And if/when you do, tell your agency/attorney that you'll only accept babies that are already born. Now, I'll tell you that many agencies/attorneys will tell you 'We just don't have situations like that."
That's wrong. They do. Maybe not a lot of situations, but they do. Our family is living proof that they do......in and out of state. Consider also being open to scenarios where there is use of drugs/alcohol, special circumstances, etc. That doesn't mean you have to be open to a lot of use if you don't want to......but MANY babies born in adoption have these issues. Seems it's becoming more the norm. Sad, but true.
IF you'll only accept babies already born, you'll have VERY LITTLE RISK of having someone change their mind simply because the bmom has already signed.....Now, consider too, that the bdad will have to be notified, have signed, been found and asked about any plans he may have, etc....so sometimes, yes, there is risk....but NOT to the extent of 'matching pre-birth' and before the bios really have a full concept (IMO) of what it will be like to release the baby for adoption.
To me, this is the adoptive couple taking more control of their journey. It isn't a guarantee; but it's more 'sure' than waiting to see if someone feels the same way AFTER birth, as they felt prior to birth.
I hope this helps somehow; and if it doesn't, please know that I'm sending my sympathies to you and your dh. I'm hoping your journey will eventually take you to *your* baby very soon.
Sincerely,
Linny
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I concur with Linny. Our DD was a "baby born" situation. We also let our agency know that we were open to drug exposure. I hate saying "never", but after all the heart break I read day in and day out here, we will most assuredly only consider doing baby born situations in the future.
DD is almost a year old, and is our dream come true. It sounds so corny, but she really is. We would more than probably still be waiting on a placement had we not been open in our stance on drugs and alcohol. Do some research, PM me if you want to. :)
Hello, read below, based on my own failed adoption experience. We now have a healthy baby girl at home. I pray that you and hubby become parents very very soon.
1. Please hire a reputable adoption lawyer or agency to support you along the way and help you assess the risk level in potential adoption situations. Agencies provide birthparents with counseling and that helps weed out those that are not serious about their adoption plans. Beware of any adoption provider that wants a lot of money upfront.
2. Be very open to race, gender and possible drug exposure (I have read that alcohol could be more lethal than certain drugs, our pediatrician also told us this).
3. Be open to incarcerated birthmothers, it is very difficult for them to parent or have someone in family parent the child, especially if they have other kids already in foster care and have little family support.
4. Try adopting in a state that have adoption friendly laws (like Florida).
5. Don't give up. Use the failed adoption tax credits so you continue to have the needed finances to keep trying.
6. Pursue adoption situations where you feel that birthparents have very little options going on for them. I hate to be blunt but ours was a very messed up situation and I think that's why it worked out. Our baby needed us.
7. I am not an expert by no means, this is my humble opinion. Based on our experience.
It will happen. Your child will find you. This might sound corny but I feel our daughter found us as much as we found her. It feels as it all the hassle we went thru was completely meant to be for us.