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Hello,
I'm so excited to find this website, I've been looking for a long time for a support website that may help offer a little insight on some issues I'm having in my second open adoption.
A little background..... I am the adoptive Mom to a 3 year old boy and almost 2 year old girl. My first adoption is semi-open (birthmom's choice) and my second adoption is fully open; quarterly visits with birthmom, BD & birthmom's parents. I absolutely love our daughter's birthmom & family but I'm having some issues with where we are.
We only knew of the adoption 1 1/2 weeks before my daughter was born so we only met the birthmom & birthdad twice before the birth. We agreed upon quarterly contact. After my daughter was born, I received texts daily for the first few weeks and she found ways to come over every 3-4 weeks (bringing a new outfit, etc). The texting went to weekly at about 6 weeks but the contact remained the same. I finally told her that I cannot keep up with this schedule when my daughter was around 6 months. After some bumps (birthmom's mother contacting us wondering what the problem was...) we moved on & everything was fine with some boundaries in place.
Fast forward to a month ago (about 1 year later), I found that my daugher's birthmom was swiping pics from my Facebook page and placing them on her profile & used one as her profile pic! I emailed her stating how uncomfortable I was with this. I explained that as her mother I need to know who is viewing my daughter's pics and that I needed that control. She apologized and then went on to say that she is having trouble dealing with the adoption and that she sometimes believes she is more important in my daugher's life than she really is. I felt terrible but held my ground. She said that she wasn't sure she would make it to my daughter's birthday party (one week from this happening). I told her that I hope she comes but will not pass judgement if she chooses not to. She came, then sent me a text asking that I excuse her behavior the previous week as she was just having PMS.
I do not understand where she is! She placed her child for adoption but did not deal with the pregnancy or grief of adoption (by her own admittance). I told her that I thought she should speak to a counselor but this is the second time we've had this conversation and I doubt she'll follow-through. I'm really struggling here. I need her to let go to a certain extent. It makes me a crazy Mommy knowing that she is still pining for my daughter. Is this normal? Help! (I should add that only a verbal agreement is in place as my state does not honor any legal binding)
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I guess my firtst question is did you use agency for this adoption? If so I would talk to someone at the agency to help deal with the situation. She sounds as though she is having a hard time dealing with the adoption which is more than understandable.
I also wouldn't take things personally about the comparision between your daughter and her bmom. Of course she looks like her and more than likely she will have milestones and such that coincide with her bmom. I wouldn't take it personally but take it as an opportunity to learn more about her bmom and ask questions. Its going to take time to develope a relationship with your bmom and find a happy medium in contact and just getting to know each other. If she won't reach out to get counseling than take care of yourself and talk to someone about your feelings and how to proceed in your relationship with your bmom.
Good luck!
I would encourage you not to change the conditions of the OA (quarterly visits). But you can tell her kindly and directly that you care about her, you worry about her, you think counseling can benefit her greatly but you cannot take on her grief or be the one to heal her from the adoption.
I had some issues adjusting to our OA (for very different reasons) and I wasn't able to fully let go of what for me was guilt UNTIL I accepted that I could not fix bmom's pain.
If things become very difficult I would suggest meeting with a mediator who knows about OA who can help you work things out in the OA. We considered that (because of me) but the issues I was having resolved themselves when I stopped feeling guilty about setting appropriate boundaries. DS is now 4 and we have a GREAT relationship with his bfamily. In fact, I wish we could see them more but they are so busy...
All the best to you.
Thank you so much for that reply! I admit that I also feel extremely guilty when I have to play hardball and set boundaries. She helped to complete my family and I am so thankful and without being a bm I can only understand from an outsiders point of view how hard that must have been for her to place her child for adoption. I think we probably should seek out a mediator. Thank you!
I agree that maybe you should meet with someone to mediate. Our adoption has been fully open to the point of bmom taking DS for the day and occasionally overnight. We are very close and it has almost been 6 years already! I really think that bmom is a very important person in a child's life and we as amoms should try to make it work too.
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jandzsmom
Thank you so much for that reply! I admit that I also feel extremely guilty when I have to play hardball and set boundaries. She helped to complete my family and I am so thankful and without being a birthmom I can only understand from an outsiders point of view how hard that must have been for her to place her child for adoption. I think we probably should seek out a mediator. Thank you!
I do not understand where she is! She placed her child for adoption but did not deal with the pregnancy or grief of adoption (by her own admittance).