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We've recently discovered that despite what appear to be improvements in attachment with our 13-yr-old (she's lying less frequently, doesn't have as much anxiety as she used to now that we're homeschooling, and "fesses up" to wrongdoings more readily now). But she is still wandering at night and lying about the evidence she leaves behind.
Ex: She woke us at 2 a.m. a few weeks ago, saying she had gotten up to use the bathroom and supposedly heard a noise downstairs. Indeed, I then could hear the noise, too--it was my husband's razor he had been charging in the downstairs bath. But it doesn't just turn on, so we knew she had either dropped it, or had been pushing buttons and didn't know how to shut it off. (Until a confrontation today, she had maintained her innocence on that one!)
Over the weekend: I folded a bag of 12 powdered donuts precisely and awoke to find the bag askew with only 4 or 5 donuts left. (Youngest child sleeps like a rock, middle child's door makes a loud, scraping sound when she opens it, so it had to be the oldest.)
We didn't bother to ask her about it because she'll lie, but did set up a camera and caught her coming out of her room around 4 am. She didn't go downstairs on that occasion, but stared at our door for a good 20 seconds. We think she saw the red glow from the infrared light and was trying to figure out what it was. (She ended up turning around and went right back into her room.) :clap:
Now if it were just a food issue, I'd just put the basket of nonperishable food items in her room like other RAD parents and therapists have suggested. But for this particular child, it's not the food so much as it is the need to wander at night.
We've tried door alarms in the past, hoping it would calm her nighttime fears (if that's why she isn't sleeping), but they always wind up broken/won't work after 1 or 2 nights! First we tried bells around the doorknob, but she's so quiet when sneaking out that we don't hear it.
Then we tried a silent alarm that's for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients (the door contact is broken and it sends a wireless signal to a receiver in my bedroom that buzzes). But again, that only worked 2 nights. Changed the battery, still won't work. Either she messed with it or it's a junky model.
We could try a loud window/door alarm, except that it would wake everyone in the house and my husband leaves for work at 6:30 am, so sleep is already at a premium for him. Plus she gets up every single night to use the restroom! (Both of my older two do. My 9-yr-old sleeps through the night...10-11 hours without waking!)
As a last resort, we gave her a bucket to pee in and empty in the morning, and just told her we had an alarm on the door "so you can feel safe." Result? She "tested" the door alarm and found that we were bluffing. She did pee in the bucket, but still wandered at night.
AHHHHHH......
What do we do to remedy this?!
P.S. We've put all medicines in our master bathroom because one night she drank some grape children's Tylenol and who knows what else. Another time she sucked on my son's Excedrin and spit it out in her trash can (she found the bottle in his baseball bag). She also sucked on and spit out an Efferdent tablet that he used to soak his retainers in....Granted, she was only 7 or 8 at the time, and now she knows those things aren't candy.
But there are still lots of things she could get into. We "babyproofed" the house before they arrived, but she's 13 now and as tall as I am. And she climbs on counters, can break open locks and medicine containers, etc.
This is a child with a borderline IQ, but she definitely knows better (she's very rule-oriented when others are breaking the rules!). We suspect FAS and she's impulsive, so there's a risk there of letting her wander at night: weak cause and effect thinking.
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We had a lot of problems in the early days. We had an alarm on the refrigerator and a key lock on the pantry door. We ended up with a stalemate. We caught him most of the time and prevented him from getting food, but he still did mischief when he got out. To have the best chance you need multiple alarms and you need to test them every night after you put your daughter to bed. You might need to control her movement in the house during the day to prevent her from breaking the alarms. Every time she gets up at night you would also need to verify that the door is actually shut and that she didn't damage the alarms while she was up.
In the end, we installed a hardwired burglar alarm. It's not hooked to the phone system or a siren, but the control panel rings in our bedroom. It is 100% reliable and even works when the power is off (for up to 4 hours, in theory). The system was reasonably priced ($200 in all, if I remember right) since I installed it myself. I still haven't gotten around around to wiring the front door! I recessed the contacts in the door frame, spackled, and painted and now the alarm is completely invisible. The kiddo knows it is there but can't find it. He used to try hard to find a way out, but has long since given up and accepted it. I also did his window.
We also ended up getting a video surveillance system from Costco for a reasonable price. I also installed myself. Now we don't even have to get up when the alarm rings. I just touch the Netbook on my nightstand to turn the screen where the video feeds are already displayed. I make sure he only goes to the bathroom and then back to his room. The alarm system shows that the door is actually shut, then I arm it and go back to sleep.
When we travel and stay with family we have to do it the old way. we put our kiddo in a tent (in the house, no stakes!) with our old portable alarms tied up to the zipper so he rings it if he gets out. In a hotel we just put anything that might be a target in a plastic Wal-Mart sack. Its impossible to get anything out without waking me up!
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I was reading about that type of situation recently -- I think the advice was along the lines of asking the child to wake you when they get up and you'll get up and hang out with them. Rather than trying to make the child feel bad about an unexplained need to wander around, build the relationship with the child by taking part. Maybe get up and have some donuts together. Share the sugar. :) If your daughter can just wake you, then your husband can go right on sleeping. You'll be more tired but your relationship with your daughter will improve and eventually she won't feel the need to make sure you're still there by wandering around at night.
Thank you both for your suggestions!
I prefer Jeff's idea of hard-wiring the house because it reduces the friction and animosity and will allow us to work on the relationship with well-rested attitudes. Trust me, if I had to wake several times a night to hang out with my daughter at all hours, I don't think I'd be able to do so lovingly. :arrow: Plus my other two would suffer from my crankiness the next day.
In the past when she couldn't handle unsupervised play with her siblings, I'd have her do time-ins with me indoors. Her mood improved and since I was supervising and not "catching" her strangling her sisters or kicking them in the head, I felt better, too. That's alot of work, though, and her sibs are old enough now to fight back if she attacks them, so she gets lots more unsupervised play (I can hear, but can't see them).
I guess my point is that she does better with more structure--it helps her feel safe. She's a detached RADish (though improving after nearly 7 years home), so she fights closeness with me. I seriously doubt she'd wake me in the middle of the night anyway, since she's not looking to bond at that time. (I forgot to mention the other thing she did a few months ago--added water to all shampoo, soap, mouthwash, and hydrogen peroxide bottles! Grr.) These sorts of behaviors don't scream "trying to make sure we're still there/fearful she's been abandoned" to me.
Then again, I'm not a therapist, so who knows? :confused:
Jeff, I'm curious, though....Has the structure and safety helped your son's behavior? Has he relaxed since installing the wired system? I know when mine has high structure, she doesn't have to strategize how to "break out" or beat the system every waking moment (hypervigilance) and she seems to relax. Has this been true of your son, too?
Thanks again to both of you!
Whatever path you take, try to remember that all negative behavior comes from fear. If you can think about what her life experiences have been, and try to pinpoint what she's afraid of, you may be able to reach your daughter on an emotional level that bypasses her cognitive desire to stop you from getting too close.
I used to want a surveillance system in my house, too. I routinely used the door alarm (which actually made some things worse for my daughter because it made her feel like she wasn't welcome here -- triggering her fear of being sent away to an orphanage again) up until a couple of weeks ago. I've only been working with the new theories of attachment therapy for a couple of weeks, but the change in our house has been dramatic. Mostly it's a change in me. I don't view my daughter's behaviors as attempts to control everything anymore. Instead I see them as the cries of an infant who needs Mom to make things right. Granted, she's 7 years old, but her front part of her brain didn't get the stimulation it needed when she was an infant so she needs it now in order to connect the proper neural pathways. Currently she's unable to self-regulate her emotions. That's a skill that children develop during their early years when their primary caregiver responds with love and calmness whenever the child cries. (Attachment issues can develop in the womb, so even you adopted her at birth some very primal fears could have already set in.)
Children who have been adopted have suffered trauma that can affect their brain development, some more than others depending on how much trauma they faced and how well they were able to deal with it. Reminding myself of these things really helps find compassion for my daughter rather than fear of her. By the time I got her she had been neglected and forgotten by her birth family; stripped away from the only family she knew and handed over to overworked employees at an infant-housing institution; removed from that warehouse and taken to an orphanage to be cared for by a few overwrought employees -- all before she was 18 months old. By the time I met her at 27 months she seemed to have given up. So much loss in such a short time... it's no wonder she has problems believing that she's stuck with me forever. :)
You've done a good job making the world smaller for your daughter during the day for by keeping her home and homeschooling her. At night however she's still dysregulated. Something about the house being dark and quiet scares her and she isn't able to sleep. In that state, her cognitive brain is no longer controlling her behavior and she reverts to survival mechanisms that developed long before she had a mom and dad to lovingly care for her. Perhaps, after you've hard wired the house you can provide her with the means to "test" the system (or view a video monitor) so that she knows the house is safe -- or whatever it needs to be to reduce her fears so she can sleep.
whoownsthis
Jeff, I'm curious, though....Has the structure and safety helped your son's behavior? Has he relaxed since installing the wired system? I know when mine has high structure, she doesn't have to strategize how to "break out" or beat the system every waking moment (hypervigilance) and she seems to relax. Has this been true of your son, too?
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yes, Jeff, that's our AT's take on things as well. She wasn't thrilled when we asked about door alarms, but she understood the safety issue. And our daughter doesn't hear it. Plus we don't punish, just "help" her back to bed.
Speaking of which, we've been using them since I originally posed the question (changed both batteries and she doesn't realize we're using the silent alarm again). And she's been doing great. She knows we were on to her, so I think she's just biding her time with a single bathroom break about 4 hours after going to bed. (I sure hope she's not staying awake that entire time!) But then she stays in bed until morning. And I ALWAYS help her back to bed so she knows I'm aware that she's up. (I don't think she has figured out HOW I know, yet.)
But I did want to mention what CCreek said about dysregulation when we're not with her at night...
Man, today was a doozy! My kiddos had soccer practice today (they've only had 7 sessions so far and all of the kids and coach are new to them), but I had an appt. so their aunt came to watch and then bring them home for me. She texted me and said my 13-yr-old was "acting crazy" and she had never seen her this out of control before (dysregulation because Mom was not there as a safety net?).
She hid behind the coach and refused to play, hung all over him, jumped on him, etc. (Her aunt said he looked extremely uncomfortable, not sure what to do, kept peeling her off of himself.) Her sister complained when they got home that she had chattered nonstop (her nervous, incoherent chatter) and held the game up, irritating everyone. (Apparently she lay down in the middle of the field for a few seconds at one point, refusing to move.) And then to top it all off, after practice when she seemed to have calmed down a little, she took a running start and leaped into this male coach's arms, hugging/hanging on him. (Remember, she's 13 and she's growing into a young lady---definitely inappropriate, esp. for a RAD kid!) NOTE: This is a co-ed team of 10-14-yr-olds, so she's one of the oldest (but about 8 or 9 emotionally).
Her aunt said the coach looked bewildered and embarrassed and that the whole practice was "difficult to watch." (Aunt felt bad for my kiddo, but didn't know if she should intervene.)
Now had I been there, a) my daughter wouldn't have behaved this badly, nor would she have "hung all over" the coach--we've talked about this before. She does have a crush on him, but I think she was just anxious and not necessarily flirting with him. And b) if she had done this with me there, I would have called her off the field to sit with me and decompress.
But wow! The stuff that happens when we aren't there to contain them and help them think through their actions.
I'm glad to hear that things are going better at night for you.
It definitely sounds like your daughter was reacting to you not being at the game. It's quite possible her amygdala was convinced that you weren't going to come back and she'd be going to a new home. Or worse. When things like that happen there's really no telling what is going on in their brain -- except to say they aren't thinking and probably won't even be able to remember it at all. Her actions were being driven by her deepest level of memory, where all the trauma of her past is stored. She had entered fight or flight mode and her actions were those of a very young child fleeing to whoever looked safest. You said her emotional age is 8-9, this might have even gone back earlier than that. Our age (even for us grown up without major issues) bounces around some. It refuses to follow a nice, predictable linear path.
I'm going to guess and say that your daughter wasn't told ahead of time, or not very far ahead of time, that you weren't going to be at practice. She wasn't able to process the transition and the stress quickly overflowed her ability to cope. Right now, you are your daughter's coping mechanism -- she's unable to regulate her emotions and self-soothe herself back from the place of dysregulation to regulation (most kids learn this as infants when they cry and mommy runs to hold and soothe them). You've probably known some infants who refused to be calmed by anyone but mom, your daughter may not be able to return to a regulated state without your presence.
Next time you're unable to do something or go someplace with your daughter that she expects, let her know as far in advance as possible and begin the helping her transition smoothly. She'll probably still have some degree of reaction when the time comes, but at least you will have helped her to understand your absence during periods when she was regulated and her frontal cortex was functioning. I know a lot of therapists believe that the RAD child does these things in an effort to control the situation and therefore they shouldn't be told what's going to happen ahead of time, but research has shown that the behavior viewed as controlling is actually coming from a location in the brain that has no ability to reason -- it can't act out in an attempt to control anything except fight, flight, or freeze. The more your daughter can process in advance, the less of that there should be.
CovenantCreek
I know a lot of therapists believe that the RAD child does these things in an effort to control the situation and therefore they shouldn't be told what's going to happen ahead of time, but research has shown that the behavior viewed as controlling is actually coming from a location in the brain that has no ability to reason -- it can't act out in an attempt to control anything except fight, flight, or freeze. The more your daughter can process in advance, the less of that there should be.
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Covenant:
She had about a week's warning, and we talked about it the day before as a reminder. The aunt was not only going to sit and watch them play and then bring them home, but she was also going to take the older two to the new Justin Bieber movie while I stayed home with the youngest.
So not only was I not there (which likely undermined her ability to regulate), but there was the excitement of the movie to come....But she had known about going to the movie with her aunt for months (as long as it has been advertised), and learned WHEN she'd be going (and that I wouldn't be at her practice) early last week with periodic reminders up until yesterday.....But I wonder if it would have gone better if I had told her to expect that she'd get dysregulated with me gone and we could have role played some alternate (better) reactions on her part. Like: "What can you do when you start to feel X? Could you take deep breaths? Could you go get a drink? Could you ask Coach to sit out for a few minutes?" Not only would this have helped her prepare, but it would have given her sisters ideas to help her, too. (Instead of simply getting annoyed with her, they would understand that this was a stress reaction and could have reminded her what else she could do to regulate.)...I hate to put them in that parenting role, but they are healthier than she and are perplexed by her immature and wacky behaviors. Ah, hindsight, right? Well, now I have a better plan for next time. Thanks! :)
Though I will say that she does tend to sabotage when surprised with things more than when prepared. As an example, last school year I walked her into the building to tell her teacher she had a therapy appt. that afternoon. She had already been in the room and left when I entered, and I saw right away that she had somebody's shoes in her bookbag. Why? Because there was a substitute teacher there that day and she panicked! Her way of dealing with the unknown or sudden changes was to steal. (She's now being homeschooled for a variety of reasons, including the lying and stealing that confounded her teachers and disrupted the classroom each day.)
Jeff:
Ha! How ironic--I wonder if we have the same therapist! (Mine once told me she was "getting worried" at how many of her clients/parents had been asking her about NT methods as I had already done. But I've seen NT in person at a seminar, and she's a much more nurturing and loving parent than people giver her credit for! She has way more patience and compassion for her kids than I could ever muster! But one thing she said at the seminar that was like a punch to the gut in response to our question about how to therapeutically parent 3 children who all vie for attention AND have RAD---"Don't! Don't adopt a sibling group if one has RAD!" She said it makes their healing so much harder, and she is so right. But a little too late for that warning.) :rolleyes:
jeffw
I think most of the methodologies still in use for dealing with RAD really come down to the same principles. Our therapist, who does the Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy approach from Dr. Dan Hughes, was really opposed to Nancy Thomas because it was too controlling and not compassionate enough. But when we read Thomas's stuff we found it was really more or less the same thing. She has a lot of practical advice for dealing with the behaviors, but she also consistently maintains that we need to keep a therapeutic compassionate attitude. The main difference between her suggestions and some of the others was that hers, because of its structure, could be implemented in a home with a lot of kids. Some of the other methods that appear more compassionate are downright impossible to implement successfully in a home filled with children who are all competing for mom's attention.