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Just a mini-vent, hoping to see that I'm not the only one. At one point on our journey, we were considering applying for an adoption grant and needed our priest to write a letter of reference for us. When we approached him after Mass (we did not have an ongoing relationship with him), he agreed, and as we were walking off, he added "have faith, God can still help you conceive".
Now, I understand that he meant well, what with all the talk of barrenness being lifted for women in the Old Testament. But his words really hurt me. I took them to mean that any child we adopt would only be second best, and that is so not true. I wanted to adopt before I wanted to ttc, and to imply that a miracle of God might "help" me prevent the "need" to adopt is an insult. I look forward to the day I finally meet our child, and I am over any issues of infertility.
In a similar vein, I was at family Adoration recently, and they had different groups lead a decade of the Rosary. It came time for mothers to lead, and the person in charge stated "mothers, who give birth". Now I know I could try to philosophise that I too will "give birth" to new opportunities for my child, etc etc. But this was tied to the third joyful mystery, the birth of Jesus, and the physical childbirth was not lost on me. Never mind I didn't know if I was included in this group because I was an "expectant adoptive mother", but especially after the added "who give birth", that certainly seemed to exclude me.
Lately too, I've been reseaching veiling and while I do appreciate the notion of "veiling that which is holy", the reason women are considered holy and thus worthy of veiling themselves is because of the unique relationship between woman and God at the moment of conception, which happens after the part of the man is, ehem, done. So does this mean that since I'm never going to experience God's miraculous hand at work in my womb, I am not like other women, I am not as holy, I am not to veil? Or if I do, am I fooling myself or misrepresenting myself?
I know I read into stuff, but it's hard not to notice right now. We hear about Joseph the FOSTER father of Jesus, which also bothers me, bc during his entire childhood, Joseph was His ADOPTIVE father. You don't pass down your lineage or inheritance through a FOSTER child, only once that relationship is solidified through adoption.
We say that we are all adopted children of God. Yet if we believe that we are originally made in God's image, then He is our original parent, like a birth parent, and He has entrusted our earthly childhood to the care of our earthly parents.
Anyone want to comment? Anyone find support and meaning for your adoption experience in the Catholic faith?
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I am sorry.
As a Christian, as a Catholic, as a woman, and as a mother, there are always going to be situations that can make you feel being an adoptive mother is "less than."
I know that this is not the case. I know that our families are no less destined or God given than those made through biology. But these things do come up.
I have found that I have a choice. I can say something, right there and then, or I can just let it go and know what is true in my heart.
I would have been tempted to ask that priest if he could speak to me more on the subject. Perhaps God has not given us a biological child because he has called us to be an adoptive parent. To take another child he created and bring that child into our family and God's family. See, I believe with all my heart that I was called to adopt, that being an adoptive parent is my vocation. This is the conversation I would love to have with that priest. Maybe adoption wasnt supposed to be a "B" plan. This was God's "A" plan for me all along.
I am so sorry you have come into contact with such insensitive people. They just do not understand the profound experience there is in adopting. It is no less painful then giving birth, I assure you, just different.
As far as vieling is concerned, is it when she was conceived in her mother's womb or when she conceives her child? I believe that even if you do not conceive that women are still holy with all the parts to conceive, whether or not they work is different story. Although the man and woman must make love inorder to conceive, it is God that allows conception to happen. So, I believe that God has a different plan for you. He is calling you to adopt. He is saying your child is out there and was conceived just not in your womb. Believe me you are holy. Adoption is not for everyone and takes a very loving, open and strong person to take a child that is not biologically theirs into their hearts and give that child unconditional love and devotion. Jesus said in Mathew 25:40 (paraphrased) When you took care of one of the least of my brothers you took care of me. Who is least than an orphaned child. God will praise you for opening your heart to one of His children.
Please do not condem the Church for what these people said. They are only human and do not understand the nature of adoption. Pray for them, for their hearts and minds to be open and for them to understand how beautiful and rewarding adoption truly is.
I hope this helps.
God Bless
I know that I am replying late to this thread. I just wanted to add that sometimes people, who mean well, say the dumbest things. When I had my oldest three children baptized (2 just home from Guatemala and one just born), the parish secretary asked me if I had permission to have my two from Guatemala baptized. I asked whose permission I would need and she said "their mother's". When I told her I was their mother, she asked for proof. I marched to my parish office with three birth certificates in hand. She told me she only needed to see my "other" children's.
I was furious. I know it isn't your situation exactly but the sentiment was kind of the same. That children who come to our families through adoption are somehow less ours.
Hope your journey as been a positive one so far.
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ok, just gotta say...if i had been forced to show a birth certificate, i would have formally withdrawn my membership AND my tithe from that parish, and asked to see the priest to tell him so...
i can honestly say that i have an incredible priest. we have several adoptive families in our parish, and our priest is well informed of our years of struggle with infertility, AND knew we were doing a mini-IVF and prayed with us for success in it... when he baptizes an adopted child, he says a little something about Jesus and Josep, and their father/son relationship, etc...really special. i feel bad for those of you who have any less than this kind of relationship with your priest. honestly, if my priest were that way, i would have left the parish, and possibly the church, a long time ago...
Since I wasn't sure how the secretary would know my third child was mine. I did bring her birth certificate. Actually, I made the woman copy it as well. I insisted on the grounds that she was every much mine as the other two and if they needed birth certificates to prove it for my first two, then they should need proof for the third as well. <I also brought my fourth child's birth certificate two years later and insisted the same thing>.
The one of the priests did try to make an excuse by saying that the secretary was confused and thought I meant they were foster children (and then I wouldn't have the right to baptize them). I had been an active member of the parish singing at Mass for more than 20 years before three babies entered my life in rapid succession. Pretty much everyone at the Parish office knew our story. I think the priest was trying to make excuses when none should have been made.
Their baptism was beautiful. Thank God, no distinction was made between 1, 2 or 3.
Just a cute comment: While setting up the nativity one year at Christmas, my then three year old son wanted to know who the man was. I told him he adopted Jesus. My son looked pensive for a minute and then beamed as he said "Mommy, I'm just like Jesus. We both have birthmoms!"
i agree...i'm adopted and a lot of my 'close' friends often ask things like 'so, is he your real brother?'...ok...so maybe they could have said 'genetically related' instead of real??? i always reply "yes, he's real, and my brother"...
these same people also often say things like "i could never let my daughter have a kid and know that it was being raised by somebody else" sort of thing...OK...so, keep the baby when it's not the best thing for all involved????
i honestly have to say my blood has boiled over some stupid comments over the years, but know that I'm a PAP, i have learned that many people don't realize that they sound stupid, and have learned to just let it go.
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anilorak13ska:
Hi, I read your thread and hope that I can offer some words of wisdom--as someone who is an adoptive mom. I don't know why you have been unable to concieve, but for me it was/is PCOS, so your priests statement would have been true for me--as we have added to our family we always continued to pray for a birthchild. Never because our AC is second to a BC. I would try and always think the best of people and thier comments. I'm sure he was trying to be encouraging. I have a BD who is 18 and 2 adopted children, hoping to be 4 AC soon. It could be that you are over sensitive to these remarks because you are wanting a child so badly. I know how hard this is. . . I am a catholic homeschool mom and had 1 child, while everyone else was either nursing or pregnant and had tons of children. It was unbeleivably difficult sometimes I couldn't bring myself to go to functions becasue if it. And many of these ladies did not appreciate what a gift their fertility was. My feelings were hurt many times not intentionally I'm sure. I can't tell you how many times I drove home in tears.
At adoration, be the person who goes up to the leader and mentions to her that many of us adoptive parents are out here(in record numbers now) and that maybe this could be re-worded.
God will bring you the children he has planned for your family to have in His time. And no matter how they come there is labor(waiting and pushing and pain). My adopted children were mine from the beginning of time, and so are yours!!
While we were in the waiting period(still are on these last 2) I would always assume that God was trying to teach me patience--I would say okay already I've learned it now hurry up!! We have adopted thru fostercare and it has been very difficult and stressful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.....but then again I wouldn't trade it either.
You know what they say what doen't kill us makes us stronger.
((hugs and prayers))
christie
mi75
i can honestly say that i have an incredible priest. we have several adoptive families in our parish, and our priest is well informed of our years of struggle with infertility, AND knew we were doing a mini-IVF and prayed with us for success in it...
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